Friday, October 14, 2011

#24 Steel Panther - Feel The Steel: Fuck The Goo Goo Dolls

ROCKTOBERFEST: A Most Excellent Countdown of the 31 Most Bitchin Glam Metal Albums

#24 Steel Panther – Feel The Steel (Released 2009) #98 Billboard Albums Chart

Michael Starr (Move over, Diamond Dave) – Vocals

Satchel (Move over, Eddie) – Lead  Guitar

Lexxi Foxx (He’s pretttttty) - Bass

Stixx Zadina (Get it? They totally slay me.) – Drums

Fuck The Goo Goo Dolls:  Everybody Shout Heavy Metal Is Back

Has any song or album opened with better lyrics? NO FUCKIN WAY! I was first introduced to this spandex-clad, filthy-mouthed quartet on a cold night in January 2009. My suitemate, Ed Salamon (by the by YANKEES SUCK and sorry about the Phils, umm NOT) burst in my room and told me I needed to drop whatever I was doing and listen to a song he found via Stumble. I was a bit skeptical at first. After all, I am the glam metal guru and I have heard it all. How very, very wrong I was. What I heard was some BITCHIN’ 7-gram rock THAT melted my face, instantly drenched me in a cold sweat of poontang juice and left me feeling sticky and pretty. (See the guys in Lonely Island have it all wrong, you only Jizz in your Pants while listening to Steel Panther. If you do it otherwise you are a pussy that sings about a combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell.)   So every single one of you have now been warned about the consequences of listening to the following heavy metal music video.  (Do it. Do it. Do it. DO IT!!!)

The song is a battle-cry for metal-heads that are tired of fucking boring alternative rock, cookie-cutter pop and vanilla hip-hop. The video incorporates elements of wildly popular 80’s metal music videos such as Twisted Sister’s I Wanna Rock, Van Halen’s Hot For Teacher and Britny Fox’s Girlschool (my all-time favorite music video). The video takes place at a school where Steel Panther invades upon yielding to the pleas of help from the school’s metal-head Nicholas called Dickalas by the school’s Nickelback fan.  Steel Panther summarily infects the girls and the teacher with the desire to become strippers. (Strippers love heavy metal and pro wrestling. It is my destiny to marry a stripper. I have accepted this.)   For true students of heavy metal you should be able to recognize the bridging riff from the verse into the chorus. After hearing the song, I needed to consume as much information about Steel Panther as there was. Who were these Prophets of Heavy Metal? Where did these Sleaze Kingpins originate form? Why had NEVER about these Metal Messiahs? Steel Panther, being way smarter than they look (There's that nasty inverse relationship between pretty and intelligence to overcome) released the following  Behind The Music Video. 

Immediately, as if I was Paul on the Road to Damascus, I knew my true calling I needed to spread the Gospel according to Steel Panther.  I created a Facebook and then proceeded to do my best John the Baptist impression to make straight the paths for the arrival of the Metal Messiahs. After years and years of being a closet glam metal fan I came out in all my glory. Much to my surprise, people took to it. I mean they really, really liked it. I felt like the mother in the Life cereal commercials, proud that I FINALLY found something my picky, BRATTY son would fucking eat so I could stop breast-feeding him at the age of seven. (I bet that was getting kinda weird for her) So in a weird way, Steel Panther was the catalyst that activated the chain reaction that caused this blog. That’s the Power of the Panther. It is a feeling you feel way down in your COCK-(les) and that results in your passion just growing and growing and growing. (Wait a minute, it gets even BIGGER). 

Some people like Evans Mullan love the sordid tales of sailing across the Pacific and sampling the exotic, Oriental poonberry bush. K*rt C*bain (sorry for the foul language.) wished he smells like sushi…

Scott Raymond has serenaded his woman with the greatest love song, Community Property to be written since David Guetta’s Sexy Bitch (He doesn’t want to be DISRESPECTFUUUUUUULLLLLL). 

Macho Men like Dan Maser blare the heavy metal shredder Eyes of A Panther, showing he is not afraid to FUCKIN ROCK. This is actually my favorite song off the album as it rips and roar with a shit-ton of hooks starting at 1:50 of the song until end every single second is a hook. Think about that most pop songs have one hook. Half of the fucking song is just hook after hook after hook. Katy Perry wished she has this many BIG, DUMB hooks. 

Aaron Wolf found the anthem to his “Do it with Lights Off” campaign in Turn Out Lights. “Tie you up with some garden hose, slap your tits and rub my balls on your nose”

There is even a tribute to my first ex-wife, Stripper Girl. What? That’s her birth name. Her parents were just clairvoyant.     

If I love this album so much, why is it ranked so low. Real talk, Steel Panther is one killer joke, but a killer joke is still a joke and there are just much better serious glam-sleaze metal albums. Steel Panther sounds fuckin killer and they are really tight musicians. Starr has vocal prowess that most original glam singers wished they still had (Vince and Joe, be prepared for the UK tour). He does a most excellent Diamond Dave, without being too derivative. Satchel is a great throwback to the guitar heroics of the 80’s with harmonized, layered guitars and finger-tapped solos that smoke. 

I would be remiss not to mention that Steel Panther’s new album drops Cocktober 31st (That’s a Steel Panther term demonstrating once again why they are trail-blazers in the art of sleeze). What can you look forward to uhhh BIGGER riffs, even BIGGER hooks, more BITCHIN vocals, SLEEZIER lyrics DUH! Also, everyone should be jealous because I am going to see Steel Panther Rocktober the 20th!!!! Here’s the latest single to play us out, a very, very Def Leppard feel to this one and I LOVE IT!!!!! Remember boys, just tell the girls if they want to you to go away, all they have to do is BLOW YOU…away. (I am getting A LOT of mileage about of that Martin Fuckin Boulevard original gem).

No comments:

Post a Comment