Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Brief Moment When Pro Wrestling Is Real

A Brief Retrospective on the Career of Eddie Guerrero


So earlier today I tweeted, "He was the wrestler that was never supposed to be, BUT true talent and hard work always break the glass ceiling. RIP EDDIE GUERRERO."  For non-fans of wrestling, I am of course raising all sorts of red flags. He does know it is fake? I appreciate the terms, "pre-determined" and "choreographed", nothing fake about injuries and the pain these men and women experience. Jeez, I always thought Martin was kinda smart guy maybe I need to re-evaluate? (You should re-evaluate that just because I like wrestling and I wear zebra-print on normal basis)  He does know that Eddie did not actually win anything? I would say to last statement, Eddie won the respect and admiration of millions of devoted followers and that is all that matters.


Such a happy camper


A common mis-conception about wrestling is that anybody can be champion. Yes, of course, the promoter (in the case of WWE, Vince McMahon) decides who will be his world heavyweight champion. However, just like in real life anybody could be the Vice-President of Marketing at Coca-Cola. It would behoove of  the CEO of Coca-Cola to pick the most qualified. Of course there are times where nepotism and cronyism rears its ugly head, but for the most part the most talented and hard-working individual will win the position. The same applies to pro wrestling and the position of being the world heavyweight champion. There is a reason  more people know who "Stone Cold" Steve Austin is than Bob "Hardcore" Holly, (whose name sounds kind of like a pornstar ). This is because Stone Cold  worked hard and had talent both in and out of the ring that made him resonate with millions of people. In short because he was entertaining at the mid-card level, the powers that be continued to push him to the main event level.  So Vince made the decision to make Austin world champion because he was the lucrative superstar meaning he drew people to the arenas, sold PPV's and moved massive amounts of merchandise.


The world champion tends to be the highest-drawing commodity in wrestling (as much as I hate to say it, that is why Cena is always hovering around the title) and has a certain credibility with the fans. If I trained to be a wrestler, there is no way I would win the world championship in my first match because I have no credibility with the fans and I wouldn't have any sustainable drawing power. It would be just like me becoming the CEO of Exxon-Mobil, tomorrow. Ok, Martin, so I understand now that winning the world championship is like a promotion on the corporate ladder and that hard-work and talent are important in pro wrestling, BUT how come Eddie Guerrero was the wrestler that was never supposed to be?


The Guerrero Family: Mando, Gory, Chavo Sr., Hector, Eddie (left to right)


Eddie was the youngest of the prolific Guererro family. Guerrero's were a Mexican family stationed in El Paso, their father was the famous luchador (a Mexican pro wrestler), Gory  Guerrero. However, like most luchadors and Mexican wrestlers the Guerrero's (Mando, Chavo Sr., and Hector) had a hard time breaking through in the United States. Eddie is the general consensus best wrestler of his brothers and also was the most charismatic of the Guerreros as his brothers were about as interesting as potted plants, was the one who rose to the top of the pro wrestling world because of his in-ring talent and charisma.

Eddie honed his craft in Mexico and Japan (assuming one of the prestigious gimmicks in Japan that of being Black Tiger, given to the best foreign junior heavyweight in New Japan Pro Wrestling) becoming one of the best pure wrestlers in world today. There is a difference between one of the greatest wrestlers in the world between the ropes and being the most popular and well-known. Hulk Hogan is arguably the most famous pro wrestler, but any real wrestling fan will tell you he sucks in the ring. It is just like the difference between Britney Spears and Rush. Rush are technically some of the best musicians out there, but they lack cross-over appeal. With Eddie, he was technically the superior wrestler, but his charisma had not been the afforded the opportunity to shine through. His biggest strike against him was that he is under six feet tall, which is the ultimate sin in wrestling in the early 90s. Men such as 7-Foot Giant Kevin Nash have critical of "undersized" wrestlers because he feels that the fan can not connect with their lack of size noting that their lack of visual impression does not leave an indelible mark on the fans. He has gone so far as to claim he was a "vanilla midget" at one point, which draws even my ire. There was nothing vanilla about Latino Heat. Even in the ring against opponents like Rey Mysterio Eddie used his body language to emote in fashions that very few can. Since Eddie did a frogsplash and had athletic matches he got characterized as some sort of spot monkey by these jealous main event acts like Nash. Nothing could be furthered from the truth as Eddie worked harder than most of his peers at developing matches with great move selection and building them to a satisfactory climax.

My favorite Eddie look (heel circa 1997). Best mullet EVAH~!

So Eddie made his way to Philadelphia to Extreme Championship Wrestling where his wrestling acumen was displayed against a fellow member of the Holy Trinity of Pro Wrestling, Dean Malenko. (The other member of this elite group was Chris Benoit, who before his heinous crimes was one of the most remarkably gifted pro wrestlers I have ever seen). The Holy Trinity were what hardcore fans considered the greatest wrestlers in the world today even though they were stuck toiling overseas or in the independents or eventually floundering in the mid-card of World Championship Wrestling (WCW). They ended up floundering because of the death-grip Hollywood Hogan, Kevin Nash, Roddy Piper and others had on the main event. Out of the gate they were treated as a special commodity with Benoit joining the Horsemen and Eddie & Dean winning the Crusierweight title and the US Heavyweight title. By 1999, it was painfully obvious that WCW was a sinking ship and that the mid-card was never going to get a chance to draw as main event acts.



One of their classic ECW encounters for the ECW World Television Title

Eddie arrived in WCW  as apart of their new talent initiative to differentiate themselves from rivals, WWF. He played  technically capable, second-generation, but vanilla babyface. He captured the second most-important title in WCW, but it didnt mean much as WCW did not seem intent in developing his character and letting him play with big boys like Hollywood Hogan, Randy Savage and Kevin Nash. Over the summer of 1997, he re-vamped his character into a brutal, sadistic heel that was hell-bent on ripping off the mask of little Rey Mysterio Jr. This is just when I was getting into wrestling and I thought this guy was a total smarmy prick and goddamnit did I want to see his ass beaten. One of my favorite memories from this time period, is when Eddie and fellow bad guy, Chris Jericho teamed in a match. The fans were red-hot with chants of "Eddie Sucks! Jericho Sucks!" and each of them would cover the other's ears so as not to let the fans get to them. This only made the fans chant louder. They were true geniuses, but I was too young to realize it. My parents on the other hand, who thankfully tolerate my wrestling obsession, became huge Jericho and Eddie fans I think at first to troll me, but to this day my parents only care about how Jericho is doing and both were devastated when Eddie passed away. They are the only two wrestlers I think they have ever become true fans of. Funny aside, the first time I purposefully swore, was to scream "Jericho Sucks!" and my mom was pissed. Now, Jericho is one of my five all-time favorite enternati, weird, huh, I was sooooooooo lame as a child. Now I am so cool liking pro wrestling properly and out-dated heavy metal. Coolest kid in the room right here.

I couldnt find my specific memory. This one is still special because Eddie is ostensibly the heel in this match and he still gets a pretty big hometown babyface pop. Huge Jericho sucks chants though.

In a testament to WCW's mismanagement, I dont remember much about Eddie's career after late 1997. I loved WCW, but how the fuck you dont push guys that are drawing that much heat in a throwaway tag match is beyond me. In a very generalized sense that is how it should work in wrestling, you develop a character in the mid-card and if it gets over with fans then you keep pushing them and see if their merchandise numbers and crowd response follow. Now it wasnt all WCW's fault, Eddie had some personal demons that related to alcohol and drug abuse, which resulted in a pretty horrific car accident that almost cost him his life nevermind his career. In 2000 with friends Benoit, Malenko and Saturn he abandoned the sinking ship known as WCW to depart for the WWF.

Benoit was clearly supposed to be the star of this foursome (he was the biggest of the four and most aggressive in the ring), but Eddie's out-sized charisma and heart could not be held down. His Latino Heat persona was hilarious and afforded the position of being an entertaining mid-card act. This all but flushed down the commode when drug abuse reared its ugly head and he was released and shipped off to rehab. In one of the few successful stories in wrestling, Eddie actually did get clean and returned to WWE in 2002. He won the Intercontinental title, the United States title and the World Tag Team championships with his nephew, Chavo Guerrero Jr.. He developed the mantra of "Lie, Cheat, Steal" and accentuated his Mexican hertiage with calls of "Viva La Raza" calling everyone, "Holmes, vato, or esse". Originally intended to be a heel character, the "Lie, Cheat, Steal" gimmick was so entertaining the fans turned Eddie Guerrero babyafce, which is truly something special in pro wrestling that does not happen often.

World Tag Team Champions: Los Guerreros

When I began watching again in 2003, I was over-joyed to see Shawn Michaels had returned and Jericho was in a prominent role, but my dad was happy to see Eddie back and being entertaining as ever. (I had stopped watching because of the badly bungled WCW invasion storyline of 2001.) My dad, deferring to me on wrestling-related matters, always wondered why Eddie was never given a consistent push to the main event scene. I would respond, "He's too small, Dad. Look at Brock, that's their money draw." My dad accepted this and just enjoyed watching Eddie performed. We NEVER expected that Eddie Guerrero would get the honor of being WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

Brock why did you ever leave us? Great heel work here!

Then in early 2004, something unexpected happened, Eddie was going to get a shot at the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in a PPV main event against burgeoning superstar, Brock Lesnar. This was Eddie's first PPV main event in his career and I immediately informed my dad and he was definitely ordering this one. I reminded him that Wrestlemania was next month and this was just a throw-away PPV. He was like yeah, Eddie probably won't win, but it was worth it to see him get his shot.

The match is truly one of the best matches I have ever seen and is a great showcase of both Brock's and Eddie's abilities as pro wrestlers and show-men. The false finishes to this match was so brilliantly executed and even had me a jaded wrestling fan biting on the possibility that wrestling darling, Eddie Guerrero could pull of the upset. However, with each Brock kick-out, I was waiting for inevitable Brock victory. Then the unexpected happened, Eddie Guerrero in true "Lie, Cheat, Steal" fashion, countered Brock's F-5 into a tornado DDT onto a title belt with the ref unconscious and hastily got rid of the evidence before covering Brock for the three-count and his first and only world championship. (Read that sentence again, that's why I love pro wrestling).

What followed is one of those brief moments when pro wrestling is so very real. It was the only time ever, my dad's excitement for wrestling matched my own as my entire family celebrated Eddie's success. The absolute and utter joy in Eddie's eyes and body language tell the entire story. He was truly happy. There was no faking this, those were incredibly real emotions displayed by him, his family, my family and fans in the arena and assuredly around the globe.. He leapt into the front row before even getting the belt to celebrate with the fans. He hugged his crying mother and his older brother. Every fan was on their feet, cheering on Eddie because for Eddie was the world champion that was never supposed to happen. He was supposed to be the entertaining mid-card act that supported the main event players. On this night, he broke through glass ceiling and proved talent and hard-work do matter. On this night, Eddie Guerrero was recognized as the best damn wrestler in the world and he deserved it.

End of the match, Look up the rest of match if interested. Includes celebration.

I along with my entire family got the opportunity to watch Eddie defend his championship against Rey Mysterio Jr. (a favorite of my mother's) in Boston and is one of my favorite memories. Along with watching Eddie face-off against Chris Benoit in 1998 for my first live wrestling show ever, I am so glad I was able to watch Eddie live and in vivid, technicolor before he passed.

He was so entertaining, he couldnt be a heel no matter how he tried.

The story does not have a happy end as Eddie passed away on this day in 2005. Eddie was clean when he died, but years of hard living, the constant punishment of wrestling and life on the road caught up to Eddie. I am still remember having to tell my family and the amount of devastation on their faces. It was just another moment when pro wrestling is all too real.

Pro wrestling is one of the weirdest entertainment media you will ever find. One part sport, one part broadway showmanship, one part slapstick comedy, one part morality play and all-around entertaining. However the weirdest part is the fact that you grow up with these men and watch their journeys every week so that you become attached to them. When they die it truly does hurt because you are so accustomed to seeing them every single week that they become apart of your daily life. I miss Eddie Guerrero and my thoughts and prayers go out to this family and friends.

One of the greatest all-around pro wrestlers in history.

Viva La Raza, Esse! RIP Eddie

Friday, November 11, 2011

Smell The Glove Exhumed

Exhuming is SO Metal

In honor of 11/11/11, VH1 Classic, the last remaining bastion of Heavy Metal, has declared today, National Metal Day. If you dont understand this, I pray to Ozzy to have mercy to have on your soul, but let me take you to the learning tree and drop my knowledge all over you.




While many of you have watched the Rockumentary, This Is Spinal Tap (now lacking umlauts), many of you have not heard the ground-breaking, earth-shattering, metal masterpiece, Smell The Glove. Until now, because this incredibly good-looking motherfucker has EXHUMED this masterpiece and is ready to share it with all of you because I am a SELFLESS, not SELFISH person.

I have a string of pearls for those girls. Just another way I am SELFLESS!

So I have stumbled upon the track listing of the ultra-rare, Smell The Glove album by Spinal Tap, the LOUDEST metal band in well metal, of course. However, I only saw the song titles and then it hit me all these songs have been covered by other various metal bands and it is my job to alert everyone that Spinal Tap lives through these artists. So I, Martin Fuckin Boulevard, @Superstarsleeze, the #AAFolkHero, the Bastion of Humility and the Coolest Kid in the Room have compiled for the first time ever: all of the songs off the double-LP masterpiece, Smell The Glove,  Don't worry Canada and Japan I did not leave you out, there are both of the Canadian bonus tracks and all three of the Japanese Bonus Tracks. Up The Irons!Bang Your Head! Hail Satan!, but most importantly LETS FUCKIN ROCKKKKKKKKKK!


Personification of Heavy Metal

In the Name of Ozzy, Dio and Halford,
SHOUT AT THE DEVIL!!!!!

Smell The Glove Track Listing



1. Judas Priest - Breaking The Law



My brother and I decided if you don't like this riff, we don't like you.

2. Motorhead - Ace of Spades



This IS SPEED METAL. Motorhead stole the umlauts from Spinal Tap, too. Has anyone ever seen Derek Smalls and Lemmy in the same place? Just saying...

3. Van Halen - Aint Talking Bout Love



This is Nigel Tufnel's signature song while he was not talking about love, he was talking about fuckin. But David Lee Roth, King of Subtlety, decided to leave that portion out only because HE FORGOT THE FUCKIN WORDS (Diamond Dave Being Diamon Dave)

4. Megadeth - Tornado of Souls



I LOVE Dave's snarl on this (St. Hubbins would kill on this) and I would die a little inside too if Dave kissed me. EWWWY

5. Iron Maiden - Run to the Hills



Originally the song was "Run to the Stage", but then when Tap could never find the stage, it was altered to give the album a political song. The galloping riff is perfect for NWOBHM, Iron Maiden and Bruce supplies power that I dont think David ST. Hubbins had.

6. Deep Purple - Highway Star



Purple & Blackmore are the most under-rated and under-appreciated band in rock and metal. But that's probably because everyone knows this is Spinal Tap's song. Poseurs.

7. KISS - Shout It Out Loud



Best party song ever! EVAH~! KISS wishes they could write a song this good. But Gene Simmons invented Spinal Tap. So he get his royalties anyways.

8. Scorpions - Rock You Like A Hurricane



My favorite song as a child. Smell the glove vs Animal Magnetism (Cover art), More misogynistic cover? Gotta go with the original in Tap's, just another thing the Scorps ripped off from Tap. Nostalgia will rock you like a hurricane.

9. AC/DC - Whole Lotta Rosie



Preach on AC/DC, tits on sticks just aint no fun. Tap loved the Big-Bottomed Girls RIP Bon Scott

10. Led Zeppelin - Dazed & Confused



Soul of a woman was created below. I bet more than a fair share of women smelt Plant's glove. RIP Bonham

11. Slayer - Seasons in the Abyss



You cant celebrate National Metal Day without SLAYERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! But most Slayer is unlisetnable except for this thrash classic from Spinal Tap, which SLAYERRRRRRRRRRR covered.

12. Motley Crue - Shout At The Devil



Et tu, Nikki? My favorite song was a rip-off from Spinal Tap. It still fuckin rocks! Shout At The Devil!

13. Dio - Rainbow in the Dark



My favorite metal vocalist. So much emotion, but his best song was a cover? RIP Ronnie James Dio.

14. Def Leppard - Rock of Ages



I gotta fever and the only cure is MORE HARMONY! Def Lep's only addition to this otherwise, note-for-note cover from Spinal Tap.

15. Black Sabbath - Children of the Grave



Even the Riff-Lord bows down to Nigel.

16. Twisted Sister - I Wanna Rock



If you dont like this song, you take yourself way tooooooooo seriously and go eat a shit sandwich.

17. Accept - Balls to the Wall



Metal Midget! If only he was on stage for the Stonehenge performance!

18. Ozzy Osbourne - Over the Mountain



My brother's favorite song. I occasionally hear him mutter "This song is so good." just over and over again. I dont have the heart to tell him it was a cover. RIP Randy Rhodes

19. Metallica - For Whom The Bell Tolls



My mother's favorite metal song, which kind of makes it un-metal except its Spinal Tap at their fuckin best. Thank God 80's Metallica covered this song and not shitty Lou Reed & Metallica. RIP Cliff Burton

20. Quiet Riot - Metal Health



This is HEAVY METAL! So BANG YOUR HEAD!!! So both of Quiet Riot's hits were covers? That explains a lot. RIP Kevin DuBrow

Canadian Bonus Tracks

21. Ratt - Round & Round



Canada always gets the best stuff. Even the bonus tracks from Spinal Tap rAwK! Hallmark of a true band. RATT N ROLL 4 LIFE!!! RIP Robbin Crosby

22. Mercyful Fate - Evil



Because you arent metal without a little devil-worship Hail Satan!

Japanese Bonus Tracks

23. W.A.S.P. - L.O.V.E. Machine



Before Lady Gaga had exploding breasts, Blackie Lawless had an exploding cod-piece, which he was inspired by the fact that Spinal Tap drummer always explodes. Guess which one I think is cooler.

24. Skid Row - Monkey Business



This song was originally called Spunky Business and featured such lyrical gems as "I am going to make you gleam with cream" and "Sticky N Pretty, thats what you will be, when you are fuckin me!" Seb Bach and the boys re-worked the lyrics to get on MTV. MONK YEAH!

25. Steel Panther - Death To All But Metal



Spinal Tap was physic or the Goo Goo Dolls were some very well-crafted blow-up dolls that St. Hubbins loved to fuck. Totally fuckin radical, dude. Because in the 21st Century Heavy Metal still lives! Everybody shout Heavy Metal is Back!

Without question, Spinal Tap has created the greatest album in the entire world. Beach Boys' Pet Sounds can suck it, this shit rules so hard, it would make Pet Sounds sound like a moose in heat. Seriously, go listen to an audio track of a moose in heat, it makes dubstep sound bearable. If only one day, we could hear the real Smell The Glove...

Monday, November 7, 2011

RAW is Mediocre!

hey yo Street-Walking Gypsies and Children of the Beast


It's Monday Night at 9pm and that can only mean one thing: another blog that no one reads!

I'm going to Wrestlemania!!! So expect these blogs to be a permanent feature.

Tonight's Raw is on a tape-delay because they across the pond in Liverpool, UK.

Cena met by massive boo's to warm my heart. Lawler immediately covers this up by declaring that Cena is the most controversial figure in wrestling all over the world. I got my tickets, John, already and CANT WAIT to boo you out of the building. This promo is as boring as that Game of the Century, Bama-LSU. Awesome Truth out to salvage this segment and their characters. Miz harps on beating Cena at Wrestlemania. Smart because he got shat on last week. Miz rambles. So the main event is Miz/Truth vs Cena/Mystery Opponent I gather. I love R-Truth. Little Jimmies and someone is going to get got. I went to a horrible wrestling show over the weekend put on by TNA. So after saying I was an R-truth fan to the kids, they were horribly confused because he is disrespectful. I am so glad that today's youth still has decent moral values. Though one little ruffian was totally into the hilarity that is R-Truth.

Cena hypes his tag partner and Miz is less than impressed. Expectedly, it is the Long Island Iced Z, Zack Ryder, who comes out to save Cena from the imminent beat-down. Yes, the top two heels in the company just got taken out by a comedy jobber. I'm so confused by this company. Who is getting pushed? If you going to push Ryder, push him.   

Zigs vs Morrison up now. YAY! When the kids are noticing you are on a losing streak, you know you are in the dog-house. Morrison is going to job hard. If they give this match some time, it should be pretty killer. Morrison has succeeded in developing the worst shirt in wrestling history. "Jo-Mo Sapiens, And We Are going to Eat your lunch." Yep, I got nothing too.

Good chain wrestling to start. This match is already better than any of the matches I saw this weekend. TNA should be ashamed of putting that house show on. Vickie out in some fashionable New Wave , skinny-tie attire.  Big clothesline from Ziggler. Very good match so far.  Commerical

So I am going to see the ALMIGHTY Judas Priest next weekend. Thin Lizzy and Black Label Society are opening. I just started to re-listen to some of the Thin Lizzy catalog. Wow, I forgot how much their stuff smokes. Just a great twin lead guitar attack, you can really hear their influence on the NWOBHM movement. Really digging Emerald and Cowboy Song.

Cole completely misses the point of the Vickie's outfit claiming it looks Beatles-esque. Shut the fuck up, tool. Great, on-the-button dropkick by Zigs. It used to be true that only jabronis threw good drop-kicks, but it seems to be a move catching on the main eventers. Zigs taunts Morrison, which leads to a flurry of offense for Morrison. Crowd seems lukewarm, shame. Zigs working over the surgically repaired neck. Good psychology. Dueling chants and the Zigs chants are louder. Good finish sequence leads to a backslide pin for Morrison. Damn. Guess he is out of the doghouse. Good for him, he is far too talented in between the ropes to be on job duty. Zigs loses two in a row. Ouch. He needs to drop the US title though so he can ascend to the main event.

The Randy Orton phenomenon is something I will never understood. He is totally and utterly mediocre in every facet of wrestling. Yet, he is the second/third biggest star in pro wrestling (CM Punk is his competition). Maybe I am just out of touch what is cool.

Some generic body-builder stiff, Mason Ryan aka Batista Jr. is out next to squash JTG. They love putting over the fact he was from Wales. As my Dad would say "The Welsh couldnt beat themselves out of a wet paper bag." Argentine backbreaker was kinda cool. MASON RYAN IS ANGRY!!! Full-Nelson slam is his finisher? Lame. Somebody should bring back the F-5 that was some cool shit. Mason Ryan smiles too much.

Miami: Land of Hot Latina Chicks. I need some good Latina-specific sleazy pick-up lines. That is definitely going on the to-do list. Of course, my natural #AnimalMagnetism should just have the ladies lining up to taste my vanilla-flavored inner beauty.

Zack Ryder fails to pick-up the Bella Twins. Which reminds of last Saturday night, where surprisingly, I shit you not was actually doing pretty well with the hottest chick at Rick's. Yeah, I am talking about the blonde in that flesh-colored, skin-tight dress, you know who I am talking about. Yep, I lasted 5-minutes. I am such a stud. However, I got detained by her less attractive friend (but still pretty attractive) and she wandered off with some other dude. Fear not, my Street-Walking Gypsies, for not all was lost because I still had her friend, who thought I was the funniest thing since Eddie Murphy in the mid-1980's. Then in a flash I became as funny as Eddie Murphy in the 21st century. I broke the number one rule of picking-up a woman, I called someone in the nearby vicinity fat. Never say the f-word, no matter how justified. Such a rookie mistake.

Del Rio squashes one-half of the tag champion, Kofi Kingston to get his heat back. The yo-yo booking of Del Rio continues. Del Rio does well in these squashes, he has loads of passion and his moveset is slick and effective. Punk is out to interrupt Del Rio's post-match beatdown with pipe-bomb in hand.

Del Rio doubts Punk's cajones. CM Punk is WICKED over in the UK! Good news, the little kids love CM Punk. CM Punk's facial expressions are the among the best in wrestling ever! EVAH~! The most attractive thing a girl can have is really good facial expressions, save a set of wicked big EYES, of course. Punk JUST BURIED Del Rio on the mic and that bad thing for Del Rio is it was 100% on the mark. He points out every Del Rio promo is one-dimensional and it has gotten so repetitive that people just fast-forward through his promo segments and they miss nothing. HA! Sad but true. Then Punk does not let Del Rio rebuts, one of Punk's most irritating habits. Look man, you basically just shredded the man's credibility on the mic, the least you could do is see if he can improv something to salvage himself. Instead, Punk continues to bury Del Rio as boring, Ouch, there is no greater sin to commit than being boring.

Promo's like these are fun in the short-term because they are good for shock-value. But it really hurts Del Rio's drawing ability when 50% of his work just got shit on. Punk at least gave credit to his wrestling ability. However, it is on Del Rio to develop his promo skills. He has never matured beyond one-dimensional, smarmy, sleazy cheap heat heel. He is/was really good at that, but the problem is that is only adequate for the mid-card. He is a world champion now and he needs to become more creative with his promos. Maybe this will light a fire under his ass to deviate from his script and add a little of his flare.

SWAGGAH!!!! Lookin extra pasty tonight. Come on, Jack it was just one job, take some pride in yourself and hit the tanning salon, brutha. Swagger reminds us he is a former World Champ, who lost to a freakin muppet. He could have done a better job re-gaining his heat there. If Santino goes over again, I will riot in my bedroom. O wait, my room already looks like a crack's head room according to Peter, so I dont think it can be anymore of a disaster area. Some fun chain wrestling from Swagger. He is so talented, too bad he has a lisp and cant cut a promo to save his life. HUGE OKLAHOMA SLAM! My brother's favorite move. Belly-to-belly suplex. He finishes in short order with a ankle lock and the tap out is academic. This match has featured the most wrestling moves per match time, I have seen in quite some time. Swagger with a victory lap to some nice heat. Soak it in, brutha, you are jobbing to Orton this Sunday.

Kelly Kelly (so nice they named her twice) is looking extremely fit and is out I assume to promote her being in Maxim. With the WWE being PG now, they have ended their relationship with Playboy, which I am not totally sad about because everyone is air-brushed to hell. After awhile, fake-breasted, fit blondes all look the same, but it was pretty exciting when they first did it with Sable. Even though Sunny >>> Sable. Sable was still fuckin hot, regardless. King Leer (see what I did there? O you dont well, Jerry The King Lawler loves to ogle divas and make a general ass of himself when calling divas matches.) himself introduces his all-time favorite diva, Kelly Kelly and the crowd goes mild. #AreYouSeriousBro? Over-sell, much? Kelly Kelly cuts a great graduation-esque promo about growing up and overcoming all these obstacles to achieve her true dream, to be on the cover of Maxim. Beth and Nattie Neidhart, muscular women, still pretty good-looking come out to announce it is "CRY TIME!" for this barbie bitch. I lol'd. They get run off and we get the big unveil. Meh. She looked better tonight than she did on the cover. The fact I chuckled at all means thus segment was way better than it should have been.

Big Sexy is out next! WAHOO! This show has not been as actively as bad as last week's show. It just has been pretty boring and forgettable. Nowhere near as good as the string of shows from over the summer. Alas, I guess it was  a fantasy for their hot streak to continue. Survivor Series (the fourth biggest show of the year) only has four matches announced for it and this last show before the event. I figured they would try to sell it harder, but it seems like they think Cena/Rock is enough to garner enough buys. They should really go-ahead announce Ryder/Ziggler because

Johnny Ace is out to mild heat and to announce KEVIN NASH to nWo music! Let's part like its 1996. After all Tim Allen has a TV series and Eddie Murphy is in a movie. Maybe Hanson will make a comeback to??? O JOY! Nash jokes just come naturally to me. In all seriousness, Nash's promo ability is among the best. So this should be pretty good. Nash on point, good fire, good history lesson, explains his motivation and then brought it home with his heinous actions from 2 weeks ago. Listen up kids, that is how you cut a solid promo. Not something that belongs in Pantheon of Promos, but a promo that gets the job done. Good segment.

Johnny Ace is talking to David Otunga, his gimmick he is a tool that wears a bow-tie. Punk shits on Ace and Otunga. After taking exception to a lame joke by Otunga, he beats him down only to get Pearl Harbor'd by Del Rio. Guess Punk is going over Sunday. Poor Del Rio.

Main event time? I think so. O FUCK YES! The best entrance music starts to play. O BOOOOOOOO! Ya see R-Truth usually does live rapping over the music, where the chorus is "People over there, you suck! People over here, you suck!" directed towards the audience and Miz shouts in the background "You all suck!" I fuckin love it. Cena is out to NUCLEAR heat. Nobody is getting boo'd as heavily as Cena on this show. The announcers ignore this talking about Cena's popularity.  Ryder is pretty over, but not as over as here in the States. "We Want Ryder" chants starting popping up while Cena is in the ring. Big pop for the tag. That is the most popular thing, Cena has done all night. R-Truth increases his awesomeness point by having "Shut Up" printed on his jeans. He is such a good heel. Hard bump over the top rope by Truth. O I see the selling point of the PPV is can Cena/Rocky get along because clearly either one could kill these guys by himself. Ugh, way to sell the PPV guys. Ryder has added missile dropkick to his moveset. Ryder gets boo'd because he tags in Cena. I love the UK. Truth is one tough SOB for still being in this match after that rough bump. Heat segment on Cena and the crowd is red-hot for Ryder. Some boring chinlockery, does not enamor me to this match. Nice front suplex by R-Truth, best part of Truth being heel is that got rid of all those ridiculous spinning moves from his moveset. I think 90% of Miz's offense involves knees or neckbreakers. "CENA SUCKS!" overwhelms "Lets Go Cena!". Ryder tag gets you a huge pop. Cena is finally over because he dons the broski sunglasses does a little fist-pumping "Woo Woo Woo" and hits the stereo face-washes in the corner with Ryder. Heat on Ryder now, lets not forget who the real superstar is. They should really be selling this PPV on the merits that it is Rock's first match since 2004. That is really something note-worthy. I cant believe the WWE is dropping the ball on that one. Ryder selling so much better than Cena and the crowd is revving now. Dueling chants for Ryder and this kid is fuckin over, "Lets Go Ryder! WOO WOO WOO!" Cookie-cutter Cena superman offense. Looks like stereo five-knuckle shuffles. Weird finish. Literally 30 seconds after that, heels no-sell, then Miz off a kick to face pins Cena while Truth holds down Cena's leg. It was a feel-good house show main event, with a weird finish to give Awesome Truth a little credibility before the PPV. The ending was really disjointed and felt forced.

Pretty lame show. The booking was at least sensible this week save for the Ziggler loss. Nothing really stands out from tonight. Nash promo was the best segment of the night and moved his story along nicely. I think the WWE is really dropping the ball by not promoting this Sunday as The Rock's first match back since 2004. Miz, Truth and Del Rio are dead in the water. So maybe it is time for Ziggler to get his crack at the main event scene. Yep I had a better chance of getting with hit chick from Rick's. Well for tonight, RAW is Mediocre! Next week, The Rock returns to RAW in my hometown of Bah-stin. So that at least should be fun, I hope, maybe, they cant fuck that up, can they?