RAW IS MUPPETS!

RAW IS MUPPETS


Hey yo all my Street-Walking Gypsies and Children of the Beast,

Work has finally caught up with me and I will be suspending the Rocktoberfest countdown for the time being. Dont worry as any girl will tell you I always finish what I start (Liar!). Hey, if i'm lyin i'm dyin and I will definitely get around to the next nine albums at some point. Hopefully. Maybe. Eventually. Definitely.

So anyways, it is time to get super self-indulgent as I will writing a real-time running blog (ala Bill Simmons) for Monday Night Raw. Yeah no one likes wrestling. Bite me, it is fun,  ridiculous, over the top entertainment, I am tired of grading papers.

So I arrived late on the scene due to being distracted by Maddow's piece on Perry's pseudo-inebriated ramblings from over the weekend. She was clearly still butt-hurt about the whole Dean Scream debacle and was relishing in the fact that she could ridicule, Mr. Neo-Con, Rick Perry.

I have not watched wrestling in awhile. Lets see how it goes.

I arrived to my boy, CM Punk losing via DQ, to the World's Strongest Push, Mark Henry. I love a MONSTER heel as much as the next old school wrestling fan, but Henry getting the title was unnecessary in my book. I dont like the idea of using the title to reward long-time service. It should go to the biggest draw or potential draw.

Apparently, I missed The Rock VIA SATELLITE announcing to the world he would wrestle with the real-life manifestation of a muppet, John Cena taking on my boys, Awesome Truth. Yep they are going to job so hard at Madison Square Garden. It was fun while it lasted guys.

As much shit as I give Cena, that was a pretty funny gag.

So first muppet sighting, predictably Kermit and Miss Piggy. Vickie Guerrero, having lost mucho grande weight in recent months, was subject to many Miss Piggy jokes and now hits the stage. She doesnt bring that up. Continuity failure! YAY!!! Jack Swagger sighting and my boy does well with some humorous exchanges with Kermit. Santino hits the stage to announce the card for the night, him vs Swagger (for the love of God if Swagger jobs, I am going to lose it.) and Dolph (MY BOY!) vs Zack Ryder. #AreYouSeriousBro, a Main Event at any recreational hall (TORCHED).

Kelly Kelly, out now, to kiss Kermit allowing for the best line of the segment. Miss Piggy does some jealous stammering, "Get Back Here!" to which Kermit quips "Ya! Get back here" I chuckled.

That transitioned to a Women's Costume Battle Royal (aka the Most Dangerous Match In Pro Wrestling). Dont let anyone convince you otherwise, there is no match that leads to more injuries than these clusterfucks. One of the girls is dressed as Dog The Bounty Hunter and is automatically my favorite diva, but I missed her name alas. I miss Sunny... The match sucked something fierce. But no one got injured! WOOOOO!

ALERT! Dr. Bunsen is selling ROIDZ that also freshen your breath. ONE STOP SHOPPING! The crazy red-headed stepchild muppet who cant speak gets the ROIDZ dumped on him by everyone's favorite whiny brat, Christian. Sadly, I was hoping that would cause him to transform into Sheamus. Instead of that, Sheamus just waltzes into the scene and scares off his feud-mate, Christian. Then kids around about him and the Mitt Romney muppet being family. The muppets have been ok, decent scene to remind me these guys have been feuding.

Tag match between Tag Champs Air Boom (remember just because your kid suggested it doesnt mean you have to use it) against the make-shift tag team of Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett. Air Boom jumped around and bounced around like pinballs. Barrett looked imposing for a jabroni and Rhodes drew great heat.  Pretty decent "Cody Sucks" chant. Look at that kid, I remember when he couldnt even draw heat when his daddy was getting beat up in the middle of the ring. They grow up so fast. Apparently after getting jobbed out for months on end, the Barrett push is back on as he picked up the win. Dont care for the finish. Barrett/Rhodes does not seem like a full-time team and Rhodes has been doing well against Orton. Air Boom had to do some jobs for Awesome Truth, they needed the win. Christian comes out randomly and attacks Air Boom. Uh does he have a tag partner. Cole, in one of the few instances of being helpful, explains that he has aligned himself with this duo. FUCK YES! I love wrestling stables. Definitely something that has been missing, so maybe this is a full-time team and I was wrong. I rather have Christian/Barrett team then you can have Rhodes with I-C title as the singles competitor of the team. Sheamus hits the ring to chase off the baddies. WOAH mid-card storylines and progression. What the fuck is this 2001? I am loving it!

The old guys from the Muppets mock that insipid "What!?!" chant that the fans do during promos they are bored by. I hate that chant. All the smart marks that do that chant ironically, go fuck yourselves. Quality segment.

CM Punk is in the back with Johnny Ace, RAW GM, crying foul that because of  the DQ loss that he doesnt get his championship opportunity. He accuses Ace of orchestrating it. CONSPIRACY! Meh, I cant help but feel they screwed the pooch (lol) with Punk who was red-hot during the summer. All the heat has been transferred to Awesome Truth so Rock/Cena can squash them and to Nash/HHH. What the fuck it is 2003? NOT loving it! They should have never gave the belt to Del Rio, if Punk had the title, he could at least contend with these monster attention whores. They give Del Rio the belt, to only make him Cena's bitch and then they are like "O SHIT, he's a chump" so lets give him the belt back. The hot-shotting of the world title is killing the drawing power of the main event scene.

My dad's favorite wrestler, The Big Show hits the ring to face the WWE Champion, Alberto Del Rio. No mention of the fact that Del Rio ran over Show's foot with a car in like May. Continuity failure. So I am slowly starting to realize that main event of tonight is going to the fuckin lame Cole/JR showdown (those are announcers). Nothing draws ratings like announcer drama. Why the fuck do I watch this shit? Fuckin Del Rio with a front chancery. Jesus, it is a fuckin 10 minute match guys, what is with the resthold. Show just had a vacation, he cant have blown up already. Epic standing 10-count three minutes into the match, usually you wait until 20 minute mark.  AreYouSeriousBro? This match is sucking. Back to a headlock, I want to start grading to relieve my boredom.

O yeah so they did the ring-breaking spot again with Henry/Show this past Sunday and everyone bitched that wasnt as good as the Brock/Show one from 2004. Now by Jim Cornette's 7-year recycle rule, they should have been in the clear about recycling this spot, but I think in this internet age, I think the time interval may need to extended. For those wondering, both spots were rigged. For comparison purposes:

So we come back to Del Rio, working over the leg with a leg scissors, which at least is more reasonable. See I like Del Rio and he has shown flashes of being a skilled wrestler. He has a tough time stringing spots along in a logical fashion or gets lazy with restholds. Big Show is such a good face. His comebacks are so fiery, it sucks his moveset is limited. Nice swat by Show. That was a great straight right hand. FUCK ME silly! They jobbed their champ out to Big Show. Make up your freakin minds, decide whether or not you want to push Del Rio. This hot and cold, start and stop booking of your champion is killing his ability to draw.

CM Punk hits the ring. Punk looks to drop some PIPEBOMBS on a fallen, prone Del Rio. If he is out cold, is there a point cutting a promo on him? Punk realizes this and attempts to revive him. Punk slaps on the Anacode Vice until Del Rio says yes to a championship match. I am going to forego pickup lines and just execute this strategy for getting laid. O wait, that's rape. Gotta love wrestling logic. Loud "CM Punk" chants, so maybe he does still have some heat left. In a humorous moment, after months of purposefully having his mic cut out, it accidentally cuts out.

Gonzo just said "How easy it would be to be a WWE Champ", yep just ask Heath Slater. This guy was a champion. Wrestling fans wonder why people dont take this shit seriously. My boys Zig-Swag (Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger) play the bully heels to perfection and torment Gonzo for his insolence.

Thank God, the main event tonight is Cena vs Miz, lets see if they can top their abysmal effort at Wrestlemania. Hey anything is better than  JR/Cole shenanigans.

This is why the Muppets are here. They have movie. So we have 40 minutes left and three matches left and that horrid Sports Entertainment segment. Methinks my boys, Zig-Swag are going to get short-changed, hopefully they go over. Swagger is out to face Santino. Swagger is married to a smokin model and I have heard him cut a promo he is about as smooth as a SOS pad with a lisp. Swagger employs some good power wrestling. Yes MMA elbows on Santino, push-ups on Santino!!! I LOVE SWAGGER! Cole incorrectly calls these elbows punches. Cole, dont procreate. Santino's comeback meets a luke-warm response, nobody cares about the comedy jobber anymore, sad. It is the Sheamus muppet, with the ROIDZ! Santino drank it! TEST HIM! I WANT A PISS TEST RIGHT NOW! O Fuck he spews the mysterious liqueur into Swagger's eyes and it is my brother's least favorite finish: the flash roll-up by Santino. That finish was groan-inducing. Who the fuck does that help??? Santino has been dead in the water for years because of the booking. They killed Swagger dead only to realize that Swagger can actually ya know wrestle and it says wrestling on the marquee. So they have decided to re-push him, but God forbid we let Santino (Captain Jobber) look weak. This show sucks.

WAHOO another direct-to-DVD release for Cena. That shit just looks weak against the Rock.

WOO! WOO! WOO! Zack Ryder is out for his 3-minute squash against Dolph. At least Ziggler will go over. This is why the booking is so ass-backwards. Zack and Santino are both comedy jobbers. The difference is people actually chant "We Want Ryder" at shows, but who gets jobbed out every week: if you guessed Ryder, then send your resume to WWE. Dolph is so silky-smooth in the ring, it is so sad that he has like no one to work with. Definitely one of the best wrestlers in the world today. Ryder is bustin out the moves tonight, missile dropkick and a plancha! He knows he needs to make the most of it before Creative gets bored with him. So that is a little unfair that I said Ryder gets jobbed out every week. He is just made to look weak because he always needs help (see Hugh Jackman) to pick up the duke against Dolph. Dolph won the the big match at the PPV this past weekend. So he is not being booked like John Morrison, who is being shit on, but I think he could afford some cleaner wins to help his credibility. Ryder has a fun gimmick and yeah he is a bit vanilla in the ring that has never stopped WWE from pushing someone. I dont know why they are so skiddish with Ryder. Listen to the crowd chant "Lets Go Ryder! WOO! WOO! WOO!".  He is over and the US Title is pretty much a joke so it is not like you are going to tarnish despite the best efforts of Ziggler to salvage the title. Ziggler is so damn good and he is pretty witty. The problem is comes off kinda wooden in his promos. Though he doesnt get much promo time and judging based on his promos on the Ryder youtube show he is improving. Love the face-wash in the corner by Ryder, this has been well-booked. Great false finish with Ryder getting his knees up in the corner and pinned Zigs, but the ref missed the foot under the ropes. Zigs takes advantage of the distraction. Only to be shaken off by Ryder. HOLY SHIT ROUGH RYDER!!!! RYDER WINS! HE WINS CLEAN! Totally makes up for the Swagger job. Much better booking, which is totally surprising. Alas, it was non-title. Ziggler with sell-job, but makes sure to hold up his title to remind everyone he is the champ. He gets it.

THE KLIQ EXPLODES NEXT! The feud no one wanted to see in 2003, is now the main feud of 2011. Yep, Big Sexy Kevin Nash vs Triple H. Look, I like the both of the, I love Nash promos, but Nash has not been able to wrestle well since like 1996 and unless he is putting over Punk or someone of that class what is the point. I dont know if Nash had an acute case of jobberitis (the Kliq members seem extremely susceptible to this disease) and didnt want to lay down for Punk, or he actually was injured, but the whole hot-shotting of the HHH/Punk too early killed Punk's momentum. Recap of last week, for once I am happy because I missed this. "I am not worried about my neck. I am worried about my heart. Kevin Nash broke my heart." It was hokey, but I thought it was effective and put over how personal this feud is. Nash comes back in with Sweet Lady Sledge and hits Trips from behind. Nash is in tremendous shape for 50, at least. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA we are made to believe that Nash hit HHH with the sledgehammer in the head. Ugh, I prefer a bit more realism. Nash has been re-signed. Yay? His promos were sub-par against Punk. Though, I got the impression that he was being muzzled so Punk could look even better. Nash's wrestling matches are a guilty pleasure because I can just unload all my jokes on him. O wait I dont watch wrestling with anyone. Good thing I am my own biggest fan! Gotta keep playing to that Audience of One.

They postpone the Cole/JR bullshit until next week as Cole calls JR yellow stating his excuses run the gauntlet of poop, old man, and fat jokes. Quite the range, why do I watch this shit? Look, I get it, Michael Cole was/is a heat machine, but make him a manage already so his heat can facilitate the rise of someone who actually wrestles. It was fun going into Wrestlemania so that King could have his one Wrestlemania match, but you should have just blown it off then. This is going to be bowling-shoe ugly next week.

Miss Piggy is hitting on the best-looking curtain-jerker in the world, John Morrison only to bring that horrible little midget on my screen. Miss Piggy whacks him in the family jewels. WOOOO! I am a sucker for midget violence.

Cena/Miz starting at 10:55, I smell schmozz finish. This show NEEDS MORE Truth! I still cant really take the Miz seriously, but at least he is pretty good at promos. Cena's new shirt reads "Rise Above Hate" as far as hokey shit goes at least I can get behind that one. Though I am a little disappointed it is not in that fashionable Fruity Pebbles hue that he loves to rock. Pretty decent pop tonight foe Cena surprising as Atlanta boo'd Cena pretty heavily. Music cuts out and here come the boos. CENA SUCKS! Music to my ears. Dueling chants now as we get the Seven Minute STall O Doom at 11 pm. Come on guys, lets go. Cena with his shitty fisherman's suplex. Miz takes over with a high leg, lots of knees and we hit the chinlock a minute into this match. The crowd is red-hot dueling chants. Cena is totally over-selling, which only makes his inevitable no-selling even worse. Miz seems so lost. What the fuck? Knees, kicks, chin-lock. Rinse, lather, repeat. Miz has been a main eventer for a year now, I feel like he would know how to lead a match by now. SUPERMAN COMEBACK! Now time for the dirtiest move name in PG WWE, The Five Knuckle Shuffle. Miz cuts off Cena with a modified neckbreaker. Miz stalls with FIERCE facial expression. Cena almost catches him with his shitty STF. Miz with another modified neckbreaker and stalls again. Wow, Miz maybe if you followed up, dumbass.These guys have no chemistry. Miz is too small and his moveset consists of too many heel cliches. It is not conducive for Cena to have a good match. Miz needed to work this as a chickenshit heel and Cena as the angry superman. Way more entertaining. Miz is wrestling like a monster heel, looks fucked up. Wow, did they plan this match at the last second. There is NO flow to this match. Taking the match outside. I smell shenanigans. A "fan" grabs onto Cena, to give Miz a slight advantage, but dont worry kids, our fearless leader, Cena traps Miz in his shitty STF to make him submit and end my misery. Lo and behold, the "fan" is R-Truth, Miz's running buddy, who promptly takes Cena's finisher. Fuckin eh. We already know Cena/Rock are going to squash Awesome Truth. Cant they at least get the upper hand leading up to the match. Who books this crap?

My feelings exactly!

Decent episode, Muppets were kept to short, fun segments. The beginning hour with the mid-card was good, solid, old-fashioned wrestling. The booking was annoying: Del Rio jobbing and Cena going over Aweosme Truth single-handily. Ryder/Ziggler was fun and well-booked. It was smart to let HHH/Nash simmer. Punk needs the strap, but Del Rio cant afford to lose, way to book yourself into a corner. The main event sucked and really dont want to see another Cena/Miz match again. Great, what I have to look forward next week is JR/Cole bullshit. I can run, but I cant hide.

#10 Twisted Sister - Stay Hungry: What Do You Wanna Do With Your Life

ROCKTOBERFEST: A Most Excellent Countdown of the 31 Most Bitchin Glam Metal Albums

#10 Twisted Sister– Stay Hungry (Released 1984 ) 3x Platinum #15 Billboard Albums

Dee Snider (Pink Caveman)– Vocals 

Eddie “Fingers” Ojeda (Red Caveman) – Lead & Rhythm Guitar

Jay Jay French (Yellow Caveman) – Rhythm & Lead Guitar 

Mark “The Animal” Mendoza (Green Caveman) - Bass

A.J. Pero (Blue Caveman) – Drums

What Do You Want To Do With Your Life? 

Everyone’s favorite rabble-rousers rise up to take #10 spot with their MONSTER album, Stay Hungry. Twisted Sister has a unique history in the place of glam metal. They are among the few bands that did not emanate from the Sunset Strip, in fact they were not even from the West Coast. They were from New York City, home of the CGGB, Mecca of Punk Rock and New Wave. This gave Twisted Sister a different perspective than most of the decadent glam bands. Their songs are less concerned with rampant sex and drug abuse (actually none of the songs on this album are about sex and drug abuse, how positively UN-GLAM). Rather, the songs are designed to promote individuality, self-confidence, fighting against the man, and striving to achieve your dreams. This is what makes it so absolutely ridiculous that Twisted Sister was the band with biggest target on its back courtesy of Tipper Gore and her PMRC. Out of all the glam bands, Twisted Sister’s messages are the most positive and most uplifting. Unfortunately, these Sick Motherfuckers were at the absolute peak of popularity at the inception of the PMRC and were the face of mainstream heavy metal. It just so happens, that Dee Snider is probably the most intelligent man in heavy metal and was up for the task of ripping the PMRC to shreds in a very logical fashion. One of my favorite highlights from the congressional session is when Dee remarks, “Mr. Gore, your wife made allegations that my song, Under The Blade, contains sadomasochistic themes. I have always believed that each person has the right to interpret the lyrics as they see fit. Well that particular song is about my guitarist’s tonsil operation. Maybe it your wife with a twisted, sick mind.” That is a SHUT-DOWN if I have ever heard one. Here’s the Dee discussing the whole ordeal:

So how about the music, well, on Wikipedia they have stated that Twisted Sister is “Sex Pistols meets Slade”. Which I disagree, vehemently, yes the punk influences exist on the lyrics, but this is a HEAVY METAL band. Twisted Sister is definitely one of the most metallic, heavy bands of the glam era and more closely related to Judas Priest than any of the other bands mentioned. Yes, the glam rock influences are seen in the image (though that is more of a result of shock rock than glam rock) and the anthemic nature of their songs. Dee Snider and his band live and breath heavy metal, but they come equipped with a sense of humor, which is why so many people miss out on one of the best METAL bands out there. Tracks like Burn In Hell, Stay Hungry, Under The Blade, You Cant Stop Rock N Roll are tremendous metal burners that are just as metal as anything Priest has ever produced. Hell there first two albums were disqualified for consideration because they are NOT glam metal albums, but HEAVY metal albums. Of course, Twisted Sister had the audacity to want to be rockstars and you know have fun, so they have been passed over by many modern metal fans as a poseur band. Twisted Sister is a very unique glam band that stuck more closely to lyrical themes you would find on a punk rock, Sabbath or Maiden album and much more metallic than the later glam bands. 

So Twisted Sister of course has two song that have transcended generations in the form of I Wanna Rock and We’re Not Gonna Take It. (One of my favorite Onion headlines read, "After 25 years, Twisted Sister has finally agreed to take it.") These are probably the two most famous glam metal songs of all time. These songs were apart of that original downloaded setlist from when I was a kid. I have enjoyed them immensely over the past 14 years. I Wanna Rock still makes me head-bang almost instantaneously and We’re Not Gonna Take It always rejuvenates me. The videos are absolute achievements of camp. The I Wanna Rock video features hilarious ways of torturing a teacher after humiliating a Sick Motherfucking Fan of Twisted Sister. However, I can see how these cheesy, outrageous visual productions turned the band into a joke that delved into self-parody. This is of course, something I struggle with everyday, how to be outrageous and cheesy, but still remain edgy and never fall into the dreaded state of self-parody. Trust me, edgy and cheesy is a tough combination to achieve, but I sure as hell think I do pretty damn good job. However, the Three Stooges routine by Twisted Sister may have made them a popular act, but it negatively impacted the band’s longevity. 

The next album sold very poorly due to this problem and directional issues. The band continued to want to be a metal band, but the record company sought for a more mainstream sound. Leading to the horribly misinterpreted, Be Chrool to Your Scuel, a duet with fellow shock rocker, Alice Cooper. This is not a very good song to begin with and the title is not exactly very conducive to being well-received by parents. The video was also banned from MTV due to some pretty graphic imagery. The band attempting to re-capture their lost bad-assery attempted to do a sort of campy zombie invasion of a school, which was not supposed to be taken seriously, but it also was not funny. I have no idea who the fuck it was intended to entertain. I mean I hear teenage boys are into gross shit, but this was just so over-the-top that it sucked the meat missile. Now more up my alley was their cover of The Shangri-Las’ “Leader of The Pack”, a girl-pop group from the mid-60’s. See I understand the humor of the tough biker gang doing a cover of this song because it emasculates band in an amusing way. My problem with this is that this brand of entertainment is lost on many mainstream Americans, which just sees it as a candy-ass song. This is an effective technique that many pro wrestling heels utilize in order to get heat from the crowd (heels are bad guys, heat is crowd reaction). Bret “The Hitman” Hart said he wore pink at the beginning of his career because it was the color that got the most heat. While I enjoy these juxtaposition of tough and glam, I realize I am quite unique because the outrageousness of glam metal and pro wrestling is lost on most people. So Dee, nice try, but this was just not a good choice.

So when did I start reviewing bad albums. The last two choice cuts will be Burn In Hell  and the title track. Short time schedule, so I am just going to write quickly on these two songs. I absolutely love the lyrics of Stay Hungry, not because they are sleazy or entertaining. It is because those lyrics best encapsulate my perspective on life. I believe that apathy and complacency are two greatest sins a human can commit. I said in the manifesto of this blog that I believe that self-improvement is the purpose of life. This song epitomizes that philosophy. Burn In Hell is my favorite Twisted Sister song. The chorus is catchy and the riff is a heavy, pulsating attack. Plus how can you be a heavy metal band without a song about hell or Satan. 

Dee Snider can still be heard on radio syndication, on House of Hair. The tagline is IF AINT METAL ISNT CRAP. One of my favorite gems on the show includes, “Welcome to my house, where all the dudes look like women”. Dee does a pretty good job mixing up glam metal, thrash metal (Megadeth and Metallica have been played) and traditional heavy metal (Priest, Maiden and Dio). I definitely recommend it and just like I recommend the whole album not just the two songs everyone knows. Here’s Street Justice another favorite off the album.            

#11 Faster Pussycat - Faster Pussycat P-P-P-Pusscyat, SHUT UP!

ROCKTOBERFEST: A Most Excellent Countdown of the 31 Most Bitchin Glam Metal Albums

#11 Faster Pussycat– Faster Pussycat (Released 1987) #97 Billboard Albums

Taime Downe (I bow before the size of your hair)– Vocals 

Greg Steele (The Wind Machine is My Best Friend) - Lead Guitar

Brent Muscat (Bitchin BANGS) – Rhythm Guitar 

Eric Stacy (Rock N Roll Pirate) - Bass

Mark Michals (Nice hat) – Drums

P-P-P-P-Pussycat, SHUT UP!

The album that kick-started the sleaze counter-revolution in 1987 comes straight from the gutter of Hollywood, CA. These rockstars only think with one of their heads if ya catch my drift. Their name si derive from one of the most famous pornographic films of all time, Faster Pussycat KILL! KILL!. They owned a rock n roll, dive bar called the Cathouse. Located on the infamous Sunset Boulevard, the Cathouse was glam haven for sex, drugs and rock n roll. They ever wrote a song about their establishment dubbing it the place, “Where pussy aint no feline”. Faster Pussycat was edgier and darker than Poison and Warrant, but still retained the hedonistic disposition that is characteristic of all glam bands. They come equipped with an incredibly obnoxious, almost jaded view of life on the streets. Lyrically, they are among the most abrasive smart-asses of glam metal, but yow know they are doing it with a wink and smile. Musically, I stated this before they are the perfect confluence of New York Dolls, Motley Crue and Aerosmith. This time, the Dolls are the influence that is emphasized, which makes for even a sleazier good time. Hip hop artists love to talk about swag nowadays, in my mind Faster Pussycat is the personification of swag. The following video from the well-know Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years illustrates the typical experience of an underground sleaze band in the late 80’s.     

Starting with band it has begun more difficult to whittle down the choice cuts of each album. However, as school-work has picked-up I don’t have the time to showcase each song. So I implore any glam-sleaze fan to pick up the next eleven albums because these are the most BITCHIN albums out there.  I will begin with the obnoxiously delicious, Babylon. The song opens with a high-pitched sneer of “p-p-p-p-pussycat” before huge drums kick off the song. The guitar fills between the lyrics are catchy noise-punk at its finest. The opening lyrics are truly wonderful “Livin’ in LA is so much a fun//Boy you is ugly//And your girlfriend weighs a ton” delivers with a vicious sneer. Another great lyric is “Shut your face//And Take off what you got under” The chorus is the entertaining “No we wont shut up//We are just babbling on and on//P-p-p-p-ussycat//SHUT UP!”. The song epitomizes the punk-y , wise-ass attitude of sleaze rock that is so delectable. 

The first single was Don’t Change That Song, a hot, sleazy party album that is like Aerosmith on crack-cocaine. The video is directed by Russ Meyers of Faster Pussycat KILL! KILL! Fame and God Bless his taste in women. Watch the video and you will see what I mean. The riff is just a great attack of power chords that make wanna great up and groove. I love the drums on this album tons of reverb that makes them feel like they fill the room. Even though it is a raw sleaze rock album, they had the acumen to produce a good-sounding album. The chorus is the immensely catchy gang-shout, “DON’T CHANGE THAT SONG!” This is my favorite Taime vocal performance is just drips with sleaze and sneer has that addictive swaager to it. The best lyric of the song is “I always have 12 inches of fun at my command”. WOOOOOO I love sleaze music. 

The next song is the incredibly bottom-heavy, Smash Alley. Taime sneers “My life is just one trick or treat” while the rest of the band shouts about “SMASH ALLEY!”. Smash Alley is a place for lipstick junkies and runaways, ya see, a fantasy land of sleaze. The harmonized guitar riff is a low-down, filthy exercise of rock n roll. The drums just pound with great fury as that bass-line is incredibly thick and full of attitude. Taime brings that urgency and hunger that can only be found from a underground band. When it is their debut album and they know this is their one chance to end the malaise of peanut butter sandwiches, sleeping in cars, second-hand smack and second-hand women. This is the stimulus that drives the whole album and is readily apparent on this song. 

Finally, is the biggest hit for this album, a great sleaze rocker, Bathroom Wall. The song is about finding a number on the bathroom wall and the excitement of what the number may hold. Taime’s hair is outta fuckin control. How outta control, here’s the Ultimate WOYAH~! to tell ya. If anyone can make the shirt that Taime is wearing in the video that much appreciated. What is missing is of course, where are the all the women? Brent is just not cutting it, dudes. Meyer must have cost a small fortune. Anyways, Taime’s abrasive sneer is still present, but the riff and chorus are so catchy that helped it cross-over to the mainstream. 

Faster Pussycat is my favorite sleaze band of all time. They are one of the bands that just get it. They never took themselves seriously. They were out there just having a good time and being assholes. I love them for it. Sadly, the Pussycat broke up after the grunge invasion destroyed the world’s biggest party. Taime retained the rights to the band’s name and took the band in an industrial metal direction. Then in a much similar situation to their sleaze brethren, Brent Muscat created a Faster Pussycat that held true to the sleazy rock n roll that Faster Pussycat played in the glory years. To wrap us up is the full version of Cathouse. I wanna go to the place where business is the pleasure.  

#12 Hanoi Rocks - Two Steps From the Move: The Best Band You’ve Never Heard Of

ROCKTOBERFEST: A Most Excellent Countdown of the 31 Most Bitchin Glam Metal Albums

#12 Hanoi Rocks– Two Steps From The Move (Released 1984) 

Michael Monroe (Godfather of Glam)– Vocals

Andy McCoy - Lead Guitar

Nasty Suicide – Rhythm Guitar 

Sami Yaffa - Bass

Razzle – Drums

The Best Band You’ve Never Heard Of

The biggest band that never was. The best band you’ve never heard of. The missing link between glam rock, punk and glam metal. They were friends with fellow glam rockers, Motley Crue. Michael Monroe inspired Sebastian Bach and Axl Rose. Axl has gone so far as to say “If there was no Hanoi Rocks, there would be no Guns N Roses”. This is not a glam metal, I know that. This is a glitter punk band, but they deserve respect for what they accomplished and have gone far too long without being noticed. Plus this album is wicked bitchin. Michael Monroe’s look inspired the hooker-look of the early 1980’s glam metal bands. The band was poised to finally make in big in the USA when tragedy struck in late 1984. Vince Neil, leader singer of Motley Crue, got into a car crash killing good friend, Razzle, drummer of Hanoi Rocks. This killed Hanoi Rocks momentum dead in the water and the band decided to break up in 1985. Axl Rose attempted to help his idol, Michael Monroe, by appearing in his music video for his solo band. The damage was done and Hanoi Rocks and Michael Monroe never achieved the success and fame they deserved based off the killer songs that they have crafted.  The Finnish five-piece rocked out 10 classic tracks and I hope I can do them justice with the following review.  

We begin with the sleazy, dark, edgy Underwater World which describes life on the streets of rock n roll. The chorus includes the phrase “Welcome to the Jungle” hmmmm where I have I heard that before. Axl has great taste in music. Monroe’s vocals are among the best punk vocals I have ever heard. He doesn’t have that reedy sneer that most glam artists have. Instead he has the deeper punk vocals that you would hear on a Clash album or even a New Wave album. It makes for a haunting affair on this one. Of course there is nothing punk about the brilliant solo played by McCoy on this track. Definitely give this song a spin, it will demonstrate that Monroe is not just another pretty face and Hanoi Rocks is one tough band.

Next up is the incredibly punky, but very fun, High School, which look any good punk song is all fast-paced rhythm with catchy vocals before breaking into gang-harmonized “High Schooooooooool”. A great lyric, “There will be no ugly girls in my high school” Amen, brutha, ugly people suck the meat missile. The best part about this being a glitter punk band is that the guitarists can actually play their instruments and so it is still a tight affair. This also means there is a guitar solo on every song and most are fun melodic bursts of energy.

Cutting Corners features a lyric that I just love, “I am look a mess, but I am dressed to get my way.” That is definitely one of my mantras. This is a fun, high-energy song with a great opening riff. The chorus is fuckin huge and definitely would make for a great party anthem in the 80’s.

The final song on the review is the second single off the album, Boulevard of Broken Dreams. This is an role-reversal of sorts. Instead of a woman being described as an addiction, his drug addiction is being described as a woman. I am a big fan of Michael’s outfit in this video and am thinking of getting me a similar cop hat for my attire. Sadly the song rings all too true as excessive partying and drug abuse killed Razzle and led to the broken dreams of the band.  Cant find the music video for this one or the song at all for that matter. Cryin Shame. So here is the cover of the CCR classic, Up Around the Bend, which was the first single off the album. 

Also, on this album is a surprisingly fun, upbeat cover of the CCR classic, Up Around the Bend, a couple good power ballads and the really unique, celtic punk pub soccer chant song, Boiler. I love the chorus on that. Hanoi Rocks is definitely a recommendation for any fan of punk rock, glam rock or Guns N Roses or early Motley Crue. To end this review I am ending with one of my favorite songs of all time, but unfortunately it was not on this album and I think it is one of the best songs ever written. This is Tragedy:

#13 Ratt - Invasion of Your Privacy Putting the METAL in Glam Metal

ROCKTOBERFEST: A Most Excellent Countdown of the 31 Most Bitchin Glam Metal Albums

#13 Ratt– Invasion of Your Privacy (Released 1985) 2x Platinum #3 Billboard Albums

Stephen Pearcy (Even 5-year old Stephen is a hornball)– Vocals 

Warren DeMartini (High Chief Shredder)– Lead & Rhythm Guitar

Robbin Crosby  (R.I.P. Big Guy) – Rhythm & Lead Guitar 

Juan Croucier (Big Time Sexy Bass) - Bass

Bobby Blotzer (Blondes Have More Fun) – Drums

Putting the METAL in Glam Metal 

 R.I.P. Robbin Crosby, Always Brought The Big Grooves

Ratt returns to this countdown at #13 with their sophomore album, Invasion of Your Privacy. At this point in their careers, the boys in Ratt are attempting to follow the smash hit, monster album, Out Of Cellar. Ratt, unlike their compatriots in Motley Crue, do not seek mess with success. Rather they follow the mantra of “If it aint broke don’t fix it” and while this would catch up with them on subsequent albums. Ratt still had a ton of hard-hitting, catchy riffs to supply themselves with another multi-platinum album and retain their position of as one of the premiere glam metal bands. However as the Second Wave began to swell Ratt had a very difficult time adapting successfully. During a tour with Poison in the late 80’s, Ratt fired Poison as the opening act because they were getting too over with crowds. However, once Ratt realized that Poison was the real draw for the concert they had to embarrassingly hire them back. This is an unfortunate story for my second favorite glam metal bands of all time, but it displays how complacency is a deadly sin to commit. Invasion of Your Privacy does not suffer from these problems as it is still fresh, energetic album. It does suffer from over-employment of clichéd lyrics, but It would not be Ratt without a whole song done in clichés see You Should Know By Now or the metal grinder What You Give Is What You Get.

That is where we will begin, What You Give Is What You Get. On a  semi-related note, I used this cliché to great effect one night at a party. So as me and this girl were parting ways, I asked if she liked ice cream (get your mind out of the gutter, I am talking about the food, brutha) and she responded is that you are not so subtle way of saying we should get ice cream. My retort was “What you see is what you get” and then I leaned in and whispered, “But what you don’t see is even better yet.” Now I ask, How am I still single??? Anyways onto the song, Pearcy croons very effectively on this heavy mid-tempo rocker while DeMartini wails over the rhythm section with great lead guitar effects. The rhythm section brings the tough sound that reminds everyone that Ratt puts the METAL in glam metal.

Next up is one of all-time favorite songs, You’re In Love. The riff in this song is so damn catchy. Even when I haven’t heard the song in weeks, I sometimes find myself mimicking the riff on the streets. It is just great staccato riffing at its finest, so metal yet so catchy. This riff definitely belongs in the Pantheon of Riffs along with Iron Man, Smoke On The Water, and Breaking The Law. The vocal melody is a great hook and I love singing the opening verse just randomly getting off the bus, in the shower, to random girls at parties, at the retirement home. It is always a big hit. Great story on this one is that I always thought chorus ended with “Because I am an ancient breed.” I was always like that is just fuckin weird. It turns out it is a classic case of #MisheardLyrics, “Because I aim to please”, but sure as hell sounds like the former. The solo kicks all ass as DeMartini ascends to his throne as top guitar shredder of glam metal. I think DeMartini could give Van Halen and Mathias Jabs of Scorpions a run for their money in terms of the greatest shredder of all time. He is definitely in my top three. You know what Ratt I am in love and it is with this fuckin band! RATT N ROLL 4 LIFE!!!!

So how do you top that high-energy metal, well you of course make the song, Lay It Down, which just kicks all sort of ass and is one of favorite songs of all time. That bass line is so fuckin grooving and just drips with sex. The guitar intro is just so freakin awesome and continues Ratt’s long tradition of being one of the best guitar-driven bands in the history of rock/metal. The chorus is instantly catchy “I know you really want to lay it down. LAY IT DOWN!” and the guitar work during the chorus just complements it all so well with that beautiful texture. DeMartini/Crosby feed off each other so well and the harmonies! All I can say is WOW! The solo is beautiful and renders me speechless everytime. Ratt is one of the best glam metal bands from the 1980’s and I wish they got more respect.

The final choice cut of this review is the very, very  metal Never Use Love. This riff would make Judas Priest fuckin jealous. That is how good this staccato riffing is. The solo continues the norm of the album of having tremendous solos. If you love guitar-work, then this band is for you. Ratt is one of the best riff-rock bands ever! Reviewing this album has just made me fall in love with this band all over again. Yet I have not even reviewed Out of the Cellar. I LOVE RATT N ROLL!!!