RAW is Mediocre!

hey yo Street-Walking Gypsies and Children of the Beast


It's Monday Night at 9pm and that can only mean one thing: another blog that no one reads!

I'm going to Wrestlemania!!! So expect these blogs to be a permanent feature.

Tonight's Raw is on a tape-delay because they across the pond in Liverpool, UK.

Cena met by massive boo's to warm my heart. Lawler immediately covers this up by declaring that Cena is the most controversial figure in wrestling all over the world. I got my tickets, John, already and CANT WAIT to boo you out of the building. This promo is as boring as that Game of the Century, Bama-LSU. Awesome Truth out to salvage this segment and their characters. Miz harps on beating Cena at Wrestlemania. Smart because he got shat on last week. Miz rambles. So the main event is Miz/Truth vs Cena/Mystery Opponent I gather. I love R-Truth. Little Jimmies and someone is going to get got. I went to a horrible wrestling show over the weekend put on by TNA. So after saying I was an R-truth fan to the kids, they were horribly confused because he is disrespectful. I am so glad that today's youth still has decent moral values. Though one little ruffian was totally into the hilarity that is R-Truth.

Cena hypes his tag partner and Miz is less than impressed. Expectedly, it is the Long Island Iced Z, Zack Ryder, who comes out to save Cena from the imminent beat-down. Yes, the top two heels in the company just got taken out by a comedy jobber. I'm so confused by this company. Who is getting pushed? If you going to push Ryder, push him.   

Zigs vs Morrison up now. YAY! When the kids are noticing you are on a losing streak, you know you are in the dog-house. Morrison is going to job hard. If they give this match some time, it should be pretty killer. Morrison has succeeded in developing the worst shirt in wrestling history. "Jo-Mo Sapiens, And We Are going to Eat your lunch." Yep, I got nothing too.

Good chain wrestling to start. This match is already better than any of the matches I saw this weekend. TNA should be ashamed of putting that house show on. Vickie out in some fashionable New Wave , skinny-tie attire.  Big clothesline from Ziggler. Very good match so far.  Commerical

So I am going to see the ALMIGHTY Judas Priest next weekend. Thin Lizzy and Black Label Society are opening. I just started to re-listen to some of the Thin Lizzy catalog. Wow, I forgot how much their stuff smokes. Just a great twin lead guitar attack, you can really hear their influence on the NWOBHM movement. Really digging Emerald and Cowboy Song.

Cole completely misses the point of the Vickie's outfit claiming it looks Beatles-esque. Shut the fuck up, tool. Great, on-the-button dropkick by Zigs. It used to be true that only jabronis threw good drop-kicks, but it seems to be a move catching on the main eventers. Zigs taunts Morrison, which leads to a flurry of offense for Morrison. Crowd seems lukewarm, shame. Zigs working over the surgically repaired neck. Good psychology. Dueling chants and the Zigs chants are louder. Good finish sequence leads to a backslide pin for Morrison. Damn. Guess he is out of the doghouse. Good for him, he is far too talented in between the ropes to be on job duty. Zigs loses two in a row. Ouch. He needs to drop the US title though so he can ascend to the main event.

The Randy Orton phenomenon is something I will never understood. He is totally and utterly mediocre in every facet of wrestling. Yet, he is the second/third biggest star in pro wrestling (CM Punk is his competition). Maybe I am just out of touch what is cool.

Some generic body-builder stiff, Mason Ryan aka Batista Jr. is out next to squash JTG. They love putting over the fact he was from Wales. As my Dad would say "The Welsh couldnt beat themselves out of a wet paper bag." Argentine backbreaker was kinda cool. MASON RYAN IS ANGRY!!! Full-Nelson slam is his finisher? Lame. Somebody should bring back the F-5 that was some cool shit. Mason Ryan smiles too much.

Miami: Land of Hot Latina Chicks. I need some good Latina-specific sleazy pick-up lines. That is definitely going on the to-do list. Of course, my natural #AnimalMagnetism should just have the ladies lining up to taste my vanilla-flavored inner beauty.

Zack Ryder fails to pick-up the Bella Twins. Which reminds of last Saturday night, where surprisingly, I shit you not was actually doing pretty well with the hottest chick at Rick's. Yeah, I am talking about the blonde in that flesh-colored, skin-tight dress, you know who I am talking about. Yep, I lasted 5-minutes. I am such a stud. However, I got detained by her less attractive friend (but still pretty attractive) and she wandered off with some other dude. Fear not, my Street-Walking Gypsies, for not all was lost because I still had her friend, who thought I was the funniest thing since Eddie Murphy in the mid-1980's. Then in a flash I became as funny as Eddie Murphy in the 21st century. I broke the number one rule of picking-up a woman, I called someone in the nearby vicinity fat. Never say the f-word, no matter how justified. Such a rookie mistake.

Del Rio squashes one-half of the tag champion, Kofi Kingston to get his heat back. The yo-yo booking of Del Rio continues. Del Rio does well in these squashes, he has loads of passion and his moveset is slick and effective. Punk is out to interrupt Del Rio's post-match beatdown with pipe-bomb in hand.

Del Rio doubts Punk's cajones. CM Punk is WICKED over in the UK! Good news, the little kids love CM Punk. CM Punk's facial expressions are the among the best in wrestling ever! EVAH~! The most attractive thing a girl can have is really good facial expressions, save a set of wicked big EYES, of course. Punk JUST BURIED Del Rio on the mic and that bad thing for Del Rio is it was 100% on the mark. He points out every Del Rio promo is one-dimensional and it has gotten so repetitive that people just fast-forward through his promo segments and they miss nothing. HA! Sad but true. Then Punk does not let Del Rio rebuts, one of Punk's most irritating habits. Look man, you basically just shredded the man's credibility on the mic, the least you could do is see if he can improv something to salvage himself. Instead, Punk continues to bury Del Rio as boring, Ouch, there is no greater sin to commit than being boring.

Promo's like these are fun in the short-term because they are good for shock-value. But it really hurts Del Rio's drawing ability when 50% of his work just got shit on. Punk at least gave credit to his wrestling ability. However, it is on Del Rio to develop his promo skills. He has never matured beyond one-dimensional, smarmy, sleazy cheap heat heel. He is/was really good at that, but the problem is that is only adequate for the mid-card. He is a world champion now and he needs to become more creative with his promos. Maybe this will light a fire under his ass to deviate from his script and add a little of his flare.

SWAGGAH!!!! Lookin extra pasty tonight. Come on, Jack it was just one job, take some pride in yourself and hit the tanning salon, brutha. Swagger reminds us he is a former World Champ, who lost to a freakin muppet. He could have done a better job re-gaining his heat there. If Santino goes over again, I will riot in my bedroom. O wait, my room already looks like a crack's head room according to Peter, so I dont think it can be anymore of a disaster area. Some fun chain wrestling from Swagger. He is so talented, too bad he has a lisp and cant cut a promo to save his life. HUGE OKLAHOMA SLAM! My brother's favorite move. Belly-to-belly suplex. He finishes in short order with a ankle lock and the tap out is academic. This match has featured the most wrestling moves per match time, I have seen in quite some time. Swagger with a victory lap to some nice heat. Soak it in, brutha, you are jobbing to Orton this Sunday.

Kelly Kelly (so nice they named her twice) is looking extremely fit and is out I assume to promote her being in Maxim. With the WWE being PG now, they have ended their relationship with Playboy, which I am not totally sad about because everyone is air-brushed to hell. After awhile, fake-breasted, fit blondes all look the same, but it was pretty exciting when they first did it with Sable. Even though Sunny >>> Sable. Sable was still fuckin hot, regardless. King Leer (see what I did there? O you dont well, Jerry The King Lawler loves to ogle divas and make a general ass of himself when calling divas matches.) himself introduces his all-time favorite diva, Kelly Kelly and the crowd goes mild. #AreYouSeriousBro? Over-sell, much? Kelly Kelly cuts a great graduation-esque promo about growing up and overcoming all these obstacles to achieve her true dream, to be on the cover of Maxim. Beth and Nattie Neidhart, muscular women, still pretty good-looking come out to announce it is "CRY TIME!" for this barbie bitch. I lol'd. They get run off and we get the big unveil. Meh. She looked better tonight than she did on the cover. The fact I chuckled at all means thus segment was way better than it should have been.

Big Sexy is out next! WAHOO! This show has not been as actively as bad as last week's show. It just has been pretty boring and forgettable. Nowhere near as good as the string of shows from over the summer. Alas, I guess it was  a fantasy for their hot streak to continue. Survivor Series (the fourth biggest show of the year) only has four matches announced for it and this last show before the event. I figured they would try to sell it harder, but it seems like they think Cena/Rock is enough to garner enough buys. They should really go-ahead announce Ryder/Ziggler because

Johnny Ace is out to mild heat and to announce KEVIN NASH to nWo music! Let's part like its 1996. After all Tim Allen has a TV series and Eddie Murphy is in a movie. Maybe Hanson will make a comeback to??? O JOY! Nash jokes just come naturally to me. In all seriousness, Nash's promo ability is among the best. So this should be pretty good. Nash on point, good fire, good history lesson, explains his motivation and then brought it home with his heinous actions from 2 weeks ago. Listen up kids, that is how you cut a solid promo. Not something that belongs in Pantheon of Promos, but a promo that gets the job done. Good segment.

Johnny Ace is talking to David Otunga, his gimmick he is a tool that wears a bow-tie. Punk shits on Ace and Otunga. After taking exception to a lame joke by Otunga, he beats him down only to get Pearl Harbor'd by Del Rio. Guess Punk is going over Sunday. Poor Del Rio.

Main event time? I think so. O FUCK YES! The best entrance music starts to play. O BOOOOOOOO! Ya see R-Truth usually does live rapping over the music, where the chorus is "People over there, you suck! People over here, you suck!" directed towards the audience and Miz shouts in the background "You all suck!" I fuckin love it. Cena is out to NUCLEAR heat. Nobody is getting boo'd as heavily as Cena on this show. The announcers ignore this talking about Cena's popularity.  Ryder is pretty over, but not as over as here in the States. "We Want Ryder" chants starting popping up while Cena is in the ring. Big pop for the tag. That is the most popular thing, Cena has done all night. R-Truth increases his awesomeness point by having "Shut Up" printed on his jeans. He is such a good heel. Hard bump over the top rope by Truth. O I see the selling point of the PPV is can Cena/Rocky get along because clearly either one could kill these guys by himself. Ugh, way to sell the PPV guys. Ryder has added missile dropkick to his moveset. Ryder gets boo'd because he tags in Cena. I love the UK. Truth is one tough SOB for still being in this match after that rough bump. Heat segment on Cena and the crowd is red-hot for Ryder. Some boring chinlockery, does not enamor me to this match. Nice front suplex by R-Truth, best part of Truth being heel is that got rid of all those ridiculous spinning moves from his moveset. I think 90% of Miz's offense involves knees or neckbreakers. "CENA SUCKS!" overwhelms "Lets Go Cena!". Ryder tag gets you a huge pop. Cena is finally over because he dons the broski sunglasses does a little fist-pumping "Woo Woo Woo" and hits the stereo face-washes in the corner with Ryder. Heat on Ryder now, lets not forget who the real superstar is. They should really be selling this PPV on the merits that it is Rock's first match since 2004. That is really something note-worthy. I cant believe the WWE is dropping the ball on that one. Ryder selling so much better than Cena and the crowd is revving now. Dueling chants for Ryder and this kid is fuckin over, "Lets Go Ryder! WOO WOO WOO!" Cookie-cutter Cena superman offense. Looks like stereo five-knuckle shuffles. Weird finish. Literally 30 seconds after that, heels no-sell, then Miz off a kick to face pins Cena while Truth holds down Cena's leg. It was a feel-good house show main event, with a weird finish to give Awesome Truth a little credibility before the PPV. The ending was really disjointed and felt forced.

Pretty lame show. The booking was at least sensible this week save for the Ziggler loss. Nothing really stands out from tonight. Nash promo was the best segment of the night and moved his story along nicely. I think the WWE is really dropping the ball by not promoting this Sunday as The Rock's first match back since 2004. Miz, Truth and Del Rio are dead in the water. So maybe it is time for Ziggler to get his crack at the main event scene. Yep I had a better chance of getting with hit chick from Rick's. Well for tonight, RAW is Mediocre! Next week, The Rock returns to RAW in my hometown of Bah-stin. So that at least should be fun, I hope, maybe, they cant fuck that up, can they?