Wednesday, November 7, 2012

2 Out of 3 Falls: Hulk Hogan, Vader, Big Bossman


Hey yo Gyspy Queens and Studmuffins Du Jour,

If voting is so American, why doesn’t it comes with a slice of pie? Poontang Please!

I'll settle for a Firecracker. Ouch. Dont Bite! :)


My sincerest congratulations go out to President Barack Obama. I may be the only American who feels this way, but I think both candidates would have been capable presidents and therefore I would be pleased either way even though I never thought Obama’s victory was in doubt. The most politically relevant news to me of course is that Linda McMahon, wife of Vince McMahon, lost again. This means we get an extended skit of VinnyMac “sticking it” to the Dems. WAHOO?

Of course on these most American days, I could not help, but think that the most fitting wrestler to chronicle would of course be Iron Sheik!!! IRAN NUMBAH ONE! USSR NUMBAH ONE! AMERICA HOCK-PTOOEY!!! Ruh Roh, Sheiky Baby thinks I look like B. Brain Blair. Sheiky Baby take that hostility to the bedroom and far away from me! Instead of getting humbled in the ass, I think will brave some Hulk Hogan matches they cant be worst than his lack of bumping in his own sex tape. He was not selling a gosh darn thing for her and let he expected me to pop for the Hulk Up? Hulk please, you need to work me up first!

THE ULTIMATE HULK-GASM


On a more serious note, the Hulkster does get a sort of bum rap in the ring from “smart” fans. Hogan is an excellent showman that knows how to whip a crowd into frenzy and elicit that pop. When you go back and watch the matches you really see just how over Hogan was with the masses. That is what I have always been most curious about Hogan is how person I think is not especially good in the ring is able to make up for his lack of technical acumen with such effusive charisma. It is probably something you cannot evaluate or ascertain in any concrete way, but it is an interesting sociological study. This being said Hogan has had his share of great matches and is not always the stiff, boring wrestlers he is accused of being by “smart” fans. The big issue with my enjoyment of Hogan matches is his lack of bumping and the cartoony nature of them. I love cartoony, ridiculous matches (see Midnight Express), but usually these matches will add real drama to their matches and often with Hogan it just continues with his schtick. From the a mechanical perspective, Hogan’s offense, selling and the vaunted Hulk-Up are all perfectly acceptable in wrestler, none of those facets will set your world on fire (ok, the Hulk Up can be pretty damn awesome at times). It is the bumping that stops Hogan matches from becoming really fun. The best Hogan matches are the ones against Hennig, Savage, and Flair because they will bump like maniacs for Hogan and are especially bumping for two men. In the other Hogan matches, I wish Hogan would take one big bump just really get into “Oh shit” mode. Of course, the first match I pick features the biggest bump in Hogan’s career, which may seem to render my argument moot, but it is just an isolated incident.

The Man of Law & Order from Cobb County, Georgia


Big Bossman is a wrestler that I do not ever think reached his full potential. His breed of wrestler has all but died off in the wrestling, much to my chagrin. He was a bumping, 300+ lb big man that was agile and looked like a tough muthafucka.  I am surprised he has not had more great matches as the two I am reviewing today are pretty much the two that I think are great. I have not seen his All Japan run in 1993 and that may have some hidden gems as Dr. Death’s tag partner. Overall, I was bit disappointed going back through Bossman’s career.

WHOS DA MAN!


VADER FEELS NO PAIN!!!! Vader is my favorite wrestler behind Flair and Savage and is the greatest big man wrestler ever. Period. Full-Stop. Don’t pass Go, Don’t Collect $200, Sit your ass down and just watch the brutality unfold. I am kinda pissed Vader is sort of playing second fiddle to Hogan in this blog, but Vader will have plenty of chances to shine in subsequent blogs. Vader matches are the ones I love to show marks that think wrestling is not painful because he has the stiffest fuckin strikes in America. When he just starts mauling you in the corner with those bear paws it can get almost uncomfortable. In one match against equally stiff Stan Hansen, Hansen bashes Vader so hard in the face that his eye pops out, but because Vader is ALL MAN~! He pops it back in and wrestles for another 10-15 minutes. Vader is not a man to eat you alive. Vader loves to take crazy bumps for his opponents and really put them over as world beaters with his amazing agility. This is a 400+ lb man that can hit a moonsault for Christ’s Sake. I love Vader’s character. He is a rough and tumble, big, ugly bully. There is nothing fancy about him, no redeeming qualities, just readily hateable and that is what I love about a good heel.

Matches

Hulk Hogan vs Big Bossman – Steel Cage Match
March 18, 1989 Madison Square Garden

Interesting note about this match is they actually had two steel cage matches in the same night, one at MSG and one at the Boston Gardens (two, 15 minute steel cage matches and 4 hour travel in between that is pretty ridiculous). That is just an incredible example of the schedule McMahon expected out of his wrestlers as he was looking to solidify his position as the national promotion of America. Bossman was managed by everyone’s favorit Jive Soul Brutha, Slick and tag partners with Akeem The African Dream. Bossman and Akeem had been the tag team feuding with the MegaPowers (Hogan & Savage) when the MEGA-POWERS EXPLODED~! Wrestlemania V was not for a couple more weeks so in order to keep Hogan busy until his GARGUTAN showdown with Savage they ran a Bossman/Hogan cage match series around the horn.

This match is a one trick pony, but what a trick it is. The Superplex from the top of the cage. 

Tony Schiavone is on commentary here during his cup of coffee with the WWF in 1989 and is an upgrade over the usual hosts of schmucks at this point. The crowd is pumped to see Hogan and Hogan seems to be feeling it tonight. Hogan rips his shirt off and then promptly chokes Bossman out with it and biels him around with it. Hulk Hogan, True American Hero to the Masses, Everybody!!! My favorite Hogan face shine spot is when he irish whips a heel into the corner and follows right up with a reverse elbow. It is one Hogan’s best looking spots. The transition to Bossman heel offense is weak as he just stops Hogan from escaping and does an eye-rake (Hogan had eye-raked him by that point anyways). The reason for Hogan’s heel offense as a babyface can be explained is that how AWA babyfaces acted and Hogan’s first face run was in the AWA.

The matches looks to heat up as Hogan and Bossman tussle from a top of the turnbuckles in surprisingly heated fashion and then Hogan actually takes a back bump off the top turnbuckle. Bossman, of course takes too long to capitalize on this and Hogan is able to recover and stop him from exiting, This leads to the iconic spot of the match and why the match is famous: Hogan superplexes Bossman off the top of the cage. It is one helluva spot and very smartly milk it for all it is worth with Tony losing his shit on commentary.

The finish sequence is pretty exciting. Bossman hits his Bossman slam on Hogan and gets a chain from Slick choking him out with it. They do the double ram into the cage and then Hogan gets the chain and goes to town with it. Hogan is so great at making you want to see him hit Bossman with the chain. Bossman does a good bladejob. After the signature legdrop, the Slickster stops Hogan from leaving so Hogan dispatches of him and handcuffs the Bossman with his OWN handcuffs. OH THE HUMANITY~!

Then it becomes a race between if Hogan can make it over the cage vs. Bossman gets uncuffed and going out the door. Hogan wins and goes over to the unconscious ref (Slick took him out I believe) and raises his own hand, which gets a chuckles out of me. Hogan forces Slick to eat steel. Heels powder, Hogan poses, crowd goes wild.

The Superplex spot is great and the finish stretch is the usual big Hogan fun. Great match! ****

There is nothing more American than giving. Missy is a giver.


Vader vs The Boss
Spring Stampede April 17, 1994 Chicago, Illinois

We transport over to WCW for the rest of column. Spring Stampede is one of the best pay per views of all time with just a BITCHIN card from top to bottom. This match is a great bomb-throwing fests from these two big muthafuckas and one of my favorite matches of all time. The backstory is that Superbrawl IV, The Boss was the special enforcer in Vader’s challenge to regain the WCW World Heavyweight Championship from Ric Flair. Somehow, Vader got fucked over by The Boss and we end up with this match. I aint complaining.

The Boss does not wait for Vader to hit the ring and takes the fight to him on the elevated ramp. Harley Race, seven-time NWA World Heavyweight Champion and Vader’s manager, hold Boss only for Boss to wrangle himself free and Race eats a Vader flying body attack. Race is already a better bumper than Hulkster. Sorry could not resist. Boss has a brief shine segment that establishes his striking game, but you don’t want to get into a slugfest with fuckin Vader. Vader eats him a live with some of his signature strikes. In an impressive visual, Vader runs down the ramps and jumps over the top rope only to eat The Boss’ knees. Boss takes it to the outside and Vader eats his usual gut-first railing bump only with much more gusto than usual as he tumbles over onto the assuredly frightened fans. It would be rubber pants time if I saw an out of control Vader hurdling towards me. Boss picks up Vader and drops him across the railing. Vader is making the Boss look like a million bucks! Boss again tries to trade strikes with Vader, only to almost get killed on a back body drop over the top rope. Seriously, the Boss saved his own life by catching the rope before crashing onto the floor out of control in a scary spot. Vader is bleeding from his bad eye in what I believe has to be the hardway because there was no spot that warranted a bladejob just a function of how hard they hitting each other.

What time is it? ITS TIME! ITS TIME! ITS VADER TIME~! Vader suplexes the Boss back in and a Vader splash gets two. Then Vader does his usual mauling in the corner with his bearpaw strikes. Boss grabs a belly-to-back suplex in a nice hope spot to keep the fans from thinking it was over. Vader takes his usual slam off the second rope, which was the finish to his Starrcade 1992 match against Sting, but that and a super DDT was not enough here for the Boss to win. Boss’s comeback is ended by Vader slamming Boss off the second rope. Vaderbomb only gets two so Vader decides to squash the muthafucka with a VADERSAULT~! For the win!


One of the best 10 minute super heavyweight sprints you will ever see. Everything was so hard-hitting, impressive and literally no down time. The story was simple but effective. Two big dudes that were just going to beat the piss out of each other until only one was standing and they executed that with great spots. The key to this match was just how unselfish each competitor was bumping for each other and selling each other’s strikes so well. I just love two big uglies going to town on each other.

BONUS MATCH: WCW US Champion Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs Vader
Starrcade December 27, 1994

Writing an American-themed wrestling blog without some Hacksaw love is like not dancing like a stripper to Pour  Some Sugar On Me. NOT POSSIBLE! For those who do not know Jim Duggan, picture your uncle, add about 50-100 lbs of body weight, have him grow out his hair and beard. Then have your uncle grab a 2x4, give a thumbs up and yell “HOOOOOOOOOOO U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!” that is Hacksaw Duggan in a nutshell. Or you can just look at this picture:

HHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


Now wrestling fans most likely knew this about Duggan, but did you know that Jim Duggan was actually once a really good wrestler in Bill Watts’ Mid-South territory feuding with the likes of Ted DiBiase. You did? Well sit down, shut up and stop showing me up on my blog. Hogan had left the WWF for Ted Turner’s WCW and brought along his friends. Thus Duggan won the US Heavyweight Title off some no-name vanilla midget named Steve Austin. I wonder what happened to that guy. I am probably the 1000th person to make that joke. I hope get a slice of pie as my prize! Anyways, Vader as the resident monster of WCW was being built up for the monster-slayer Hogan and so while Hogan gave his crony Brutus Beefcake a run in the main event. Vader got to play with Duggan in what turned out to be the best Post-Mid-South Duggan match by quite a bit.
As with the Boss match, the match begins on the aisleway as Duggan takes it right to the Mastodon. Duggan throws Vader into railing and Vader if flying all over the place as he makes Duggan look like a million bucks. The crowd chants “ U-S-A!” since Vader is from the very evil, very foreign place of Colorado. As an east coaster, a flyover state probably deserves that rep.  Well there goes my audience in middle America. Good thing I have a burgeoning readership in Russia and Japan. That’s right Im Big In Japan. Maybe the White Castle of Fear is not in America? During this shine, Vader takes his gut first bump into the railing and plenty of wicked lariats (some real stiff shots by Duggan). After about eight minutes of Duggan love, Vader hits a wicked, MONSTAH eye-poke? I LOVE Vader. He has all this raw power and strength, but instead chooses to use an eye-poke as his transition, such a great heel. Duggan tries to stave off the Vader rally, but misses a Tenryu style elbow (second rope back facing elbow drop) to finally put Vader in command. You know Duggan is feeling it when he decides to come off the second rope. Tony is losing his shit over this.

Vader hits the axe-bomber, which sends Duggan careerning into the guardrail from the apron (very nice bump from Duggan). Bobby the Brain unloads one of his funniest lines with: “For Duggan to take a shower is a high-risk maneuver.” I lol’d. Vader smartly attacks the ribs with vicious body punches and tries to polish him off with his powerslam/Vaderbomb combo but Hacksaw is able to get his foot on the ropes. One of my favorite spots is the “Vader Body Attack” where he basically just chest bumps his opponent into oblivion it works so well to cut off comebacks like it was used here.   

Vadersault misses and the fans erupt in “U-S-A” to exhort their fallen leader, Hacksaw Duggan. Duggan gets down into the three-point stance and hits his lariat finisher, but it is not enough. Vader takes his usual slam off the top, but there is NO REF!!! The ref is being detained by Harley Race on the apron, which distracts Hacksaw. The finish is Vader Irish whips Hacksaw into Harley holding the 2x4 into this weird variation of the Glam Slam. It is looked impressive as Vader basically muscled Duggan up, but then couldn’t hold him so he just dropped him on his face. I don’t know what it was supposed to be, but it looked vicious. Vader is the NEW US HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

I liked the Boss match a little bit more because it felt more like a struggle between two big dudes throwing bombs. This match was structured in the classical sense with a shine -> heat -> comeback -> finish, which I love and it is the formula for a reason it just was not as fun as Vader/Boss, but this match still was really good and a lot of fun. In 1992-94, Vader comes off as a contender for the greatest wrestler in the world including the All Japan guys as he was taking these average workers and putting on great matches. It is almost completely predicated on how willing he is to make these look good even as he is going to beat them, which make the matches so much more interesting unlike a Hogan who at times could steamroll his opponents and really only put himself over. After all this, I am pretty pumped for the big showdown: Vader vs Hulk Hogan!

I wonder if Vader invited Hogan to the White Castle of Fear before the match?


WCW World Heavyweight Champion Hulk Hogan vs WCW US Heavyweight Vader
Superbrawl V  February 19, 1995 Baltimore, MD

Not much of a story to this one, except it was one of the big dream matches since Hogan had arrived in WCW and really logical. Hogan had made his star by wrestling these big monsters and vanquishing them (Studd, Bundy, Andre, Earthquake). However, there is no more versatile big man than Vader, who combined the size of those men with an explosive quickness. Also, Hogan’s star was on the wane as his 10 year old character had grown stale and passé especially in the South, which expected a higher level of wrestling than the cartoon stuff that Hogan liked to shovel. This led to this weird dynamic of Hogan getting pretty brutally booed the entire match against monster heel, Vader.

Tony lets us know that Ric Flair is indeed here in the front row. Hogan had “retired” Flair in October of 1994. They begin by both men are of equal strength. Hogan unleashes some pretty wicked slaps and his whip/elbow combo. Vader just screams “NO PAIN! NO PAIN!  NO PAIN!” I was totally marking out during this segment. I just wanted Vader to maul Hogan. In a cool twist, Hogan realizes the power game is ineffective and actually attempts to wrestle Vader. WHAT!!??! He even busts out a flying cross arm-breaker (juji-gatame for MMA fans). Vader breaks that up by stepping on Hogan’s face like a boss. Hogan is betwixt and between. Vader mauling in the corner is combined with a wicked short-arm clothesline.

Hogan powders and Vader eats his railing bump and nearly wipes out Flair. Well, I think Hogan may have found something that worked. Hogan works some chops in the corner, the 10 punch count and then a rebound lariat to a small pop. Hogan uses some of his heel tactics: boot on throat and eye-rake, but he goes for the bodyslam attempt too early as Vader drops on top of him. Vader runs through some strikes and then connects with the powerslam/Vaderbomb combo for two. The Vadersault misses and Hogan in desperation whips Vader back into the rail and blasts him with the best Hogan chair shot I have ever witnessed. VADER FEELS NO PAIN! Vader chokeslams the fuck outta Hogan. I don’t think Hogan intended to take that wicked of a bump. The Hulk-Up comes off a vertical suplex. Vader KICKS OUT of the LEGDROP at ONE!!!! HOLY SHIT!

A Vader body attack wipes out the ref and Vader hits the powerbomb and he counts a visual three along with Flair, but there is no ref. Hogan makes his comeback and clears him outta the ring only for Flair to attack. Finally the ref calls for the DQ. Savage and Sting make the save against Flair & Vader.

There is a lot to love about this match up until the finish. I loved the beginning story with Hogan trying to wrestle Vader and then using his own dirty tactics out of desperation because Vader was such a monster. Vader comes across as this unconquerable monster with the no-selling at the beginning, the killer offense and of course kicking out of the vaunted leg drop at one. A lot is made about how, Hogan no sold a Vaderbomb previous to this match and how it killed Vader’s drawing power. I can only say he definitely tried to make up for it in this match because Vader looked awesome here. All of the traditional Hogan transition are ineffective against Vader and they only way for Hogan to sustain offense is through Vader mistakes and illegal tactics like chairshots really makes Vader seem like an unstoppable force. The finish is pretty unsatisfying. A Vader victory and subsequent matches against Sting and Savage would have drawn well while Hogan questions if he still has it would have been an interesting wrinkle to the Hogan character. I like the Boss match better because of the efficiency of spots and the better finish, but this one was remarkably good and one of the Top 5 Best Hogan matches I have ever seen.

Evaluation

Hogan is displayed in two lights here: the standard Hogan popcorn formula against Bossman, which popped the masses in the 80s, but doesn’t feel timeless and Hogan working as a more classical underdog against a Goliath. This would not continue as the subsequent Hogan/Vader rematches were panned, but for one night Hogan structured an interesting match. Bossman is a story of untapped potential as he had all the tools to be a great big man, but was only realized on one night against Vader. Vader comes off great in all these matches as a dominant heel that is ok with the babyfaces getting their offense in to keep the crowd invested. Vader is a wrestler I can never get enough of and even his mediocre stuff seems like so much fun to me. His style is most readily adaptable of any wrestler because of how naturally the "David vs Goliath" or two big uglies barfight fits into any context.

 I am going to try to do a quick turnaround and get an All Japan blog out this weekend and hopefully will have a pattern of doing a non-All Japan one in the beginning of the week and an All Japan one during the weekend. 

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