Hey yo all my Street-Walking Gypsies and Children of the Beast,
Work has finally caught up with me and I will be suspending the Rocktoberfest countdown for the time being. Dont worry as any girl will tell you I always finish what I start (Liar!). Hey, if i'm lyin i'm dyin and I will definitely get around to the next nine albums at some point. Hopefully. Maybe. Eventually. Definitely.
So anyways, it is time to get super self-indulgent as I will writing a real-time running blog (ala Bill Simmons) for Monday Night Raw. Yeah no one likes wrestling. Bite me, it is fun, ridiculous, over the top entertainment, I am tired of grading papers.
So I arrived late on the scene due to being distracted by Maddow's piece on Perry's pseudo-inebriated ramblings from over the weekend. She was clearly still butt-hurt about the whole Dean Scream debacle and was relishing in the fact that she could ridicule, Mr. Neo-Con, Rick Perry.
I have not watched wrestling in awhile. Lets see how it goes.
I arrived to my boy, CM Punk losing via DQ, to the World's Strongest Push, Mark Henry. I love a MONSTER heel as much as the next old school wrestling fan, but Henry getting the title was unnecessary in my book. I dont like the idea of using the title to reward long-time service. It should go to the biggest draw or potential draw.
Apparently, I missed The Rock VIA SATELLITE announcing to the world he would wrestle with the real-life manifestation of a muppet, John Cena taking on my boys, Awesome Truth. Yep they are going to job so hard at Madison Square Garden. It was fun while it lasted guys.
As much shit as I give Cena, that was a pretty funny gag.
So first muppet sighting, predictably Kermit and Miss Piggy. Vickie Guerrero, having lost mucho grande weight in recent months, was subject to many Miss Piggy jokes and now hits the stage. She doesnt bring that up. Continuity failure! YAY!!! Jack Swagger sighting and my boy does well with some humorous exchanges with Kermit. Santino hits the stage to announce the card for the night, him vs Swagger (for the love of God if Swagger jobs, I am going to lose it.) and Dolph (MY BOY!) vs Zack Ryder. #AreYouSeriousBro, a Main Event at any recreational hall (TORCHED).
Kelly Kelly, out now, to kiss Kermit allowing for the best line of the segment. Miss Piggy does some jealous stammering, "Get Back Here!" to which Kermit quips "Ya! Get back here" I chuckled.
That transitioned to a Women's Costume Battle Royal (aka the Most Dangerous Match In Pro Wrestling). Dont let anyone convince you otherwise, there is no match that leads to more injuries than these clusterfucks. One of the girls is dressed as Dog The Bounty Hunter and is automatically my favorite diva, but I missed her name alas. I miss Sunny... The match sucked something fierce. But no one got injured! WOOOOO!
ALERT! Dr. Bunsen is selling ROIDZ that also freshen your breath. ONE STOP SHOPPING! The crazy red-headed stepchild muppet who cant speak gets the ROIDZ dumped on him by everyone's favorite whiny brat, Christian. Sadly, I was hoping that would cause him to transform into Sheamus. Instead of that, Sheamus just waltzes into the scene and scares off his feud-mate, Christian. Then kids around about him and the Mitt Romney muppet being family. The muppets have been ok, decent scene to remind me these guys have been feuding.
Tag match between Tag Champs Air Boom (remember just because your kid suggested it doesnt mean you have to use it) against the make-shift tag team of Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett. Air Boom jumped around and bounced around like pinballs. Barrett looked imposing for a jabroni and Rhodes drew great heat. Pretty decent "Cody Sucks" chant. Look at that kid, I remember when he couldnt even draw heat when his daddy was getting beat up in the middle of the ring. They grow up so fast. Apparently after getting jobbed out for months on end, the Barrett push is back on as he picked up the win. Dont care for the finish. Barrett/Rhodes does not seem like a full-time team and Rhodes has been doing well against Orton. Air Boom had to do some jobs for Awesome Truth, they needed the win. Christian comes out randomly and attacks Air Boom. Uh does he have a tag partner. Cole, in one of the few instances of being helpful, explains that he has aligned himself with this duo. FUCK YES! I love wrestling stables. Definitely something that has been missing, so maybe this is a full-time team and I was wrong. I rather have Christian/Barrett team then you can have Rhodes with I-C title as the singles competitor of the team. Sheamus hits the ring to chase off the baddies. WOAH mid-card storylines and progression. What the fuck is this 2001? I am loving it!
The old guys from the Muppets mock that insipid "What!?!" chant that the fans do during promos they are bored by. I hate that chant. All the smart marks that do that chant ironically, go fuck yourselves. Quality segment.
CM Punk is in the back with Johnny Ace, RAW GM, crying foul that because of the DQ loss that he doesnt get his championship opportunity. He accuses Ace of orchestrating it. CONSPIRACY! Meh, I cant help but feel they screwed the pooch (lol) with Punk who was red-hot during the summer. All the heat has been transferred to Awesome Truth so Rock/Cena can squash them and to Nash/HHH. What the fuck it is 2003? NOT loving it! They should have never gave the belt to Del Rio, if Punk had the title, he could at least contend with these monster attention whores. They give Del Rio the belt, to only make him Cena's bitch and then they are like "O SHIT, he's a chump" so lets give him the belt back. The hot-shotting of the world title is killing the drawing power of the main event scene.
My dad's favorite wrestler, The Big Show hits the ring to face the WWE Champion, Alberto Del Rio. No mention of the fact that Del Rio ran over Show's foot with a car in like May. Continuity failure. So I am slowly starting to realize that main event of tonight is going to the fuckin lame Cole/JR showdown (those are announcers). Nothing draws ratings like announcer drama. Why the fuck do I watch this shit? Fuckin Del Rio with a front chancery. Jesus, it is a fuckin 10 minute match guys, what is with the resthold. Show just had a vacation, he cant have blown up already. Epic standing 10-count three minutes into the match, usually you wait until 20 minute mark. AreYouSeriousBro? This match is sucking. Back to a headlock, I want to start grading to relieve my boredom.
O yeah so they did the ring-breaking spot again with Henry/Show this past Sunday and everyone bitched that wasnt as good as the Brock/Show one from 2004. Now by Jim Cornette's 7-year recycle rule, they should have been in the clear about recycling this spot, but I think in this internet age, I think the time interval may need to extended. For those wondering, both spots were rigged. For comparison purposes:
So we come back to Del Rio, working over the leg with a leg scissors, which at least is more reasonable. See I like Del Rio and he has shown flashes of being a skilled wrestler. He has a tough time stringing spots along in a logical fashion or gets lazy with restholds. Big Show is such a good face. His comebacks are so fiery, it sucks his moveset is limited. Nice swat by Show. That was a great straight right hand. FUCK ME silly! They jobbed their champ out to Big Show. Make up your freakin minds, decide whether or not you want to push Del Rio. This hot and cold, start and stop booking of your champion is killing his ability to draw.
CM Punk hits the ring. Punk looks to drop some PIPEBOMBS on a fallen, prone Del Rio. If he is out cold, is there a point cutting a promo on him? Punk realizes this and attempts to revive him. Punk slaps on the Anacode Vice until Del Rio says yes to a championship match. I am going to forego pickup lines and just execute this strategy for getting laid. O wait, that's rape. Gotta love wrestling logic. Loud "CM Punk" chants, so maybe he does still have some heat left. In a humorous moment, after months of purposefully having his mic cut out, it accidentally cuts out.
Gonzo just said "How easy it would be to be a WWE Champ", yep just ask Heath Slater. This guy was a champion. Wrestling fans wonder why people dont take this shit seriously. My boys Zig-Swag (Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger) play the bully heels to perfection and torment Gonzo for his insolence.
Thank God, the main event tonight is Cena vs Miz, lets see if they can top their abysmal effort at Wrestlemania. Hey anything is better than JR/Cole shenanigans.
This is why the Muppets are here. They have movie. So we have 40 minutes left and three matches left and that horrid Sports Entertainment segment. Methinks my boys, Zig-Swag are going to get short-changed, hopefully they go over. Swagger is out to face Santino. Swagger is married to a smokin model and I have heard him cut a promo he is about as smooth as a SOS pad with a lisp. Swagger employs some good power wrestling. Yes MMA elbows on Santino, push-ups on Santino!!! I LOVE SWAGGER! Cole incorrectly calls these elbows punches. Cole, dont procreate. Santino's comeback meets a luke-warm response, nobody cares about the comedy jobber anymore, sad. It is the Sheamus muppet, with the ROIDZ! Santino drank it! TEST HIM! I WANT A PISS TEST RIGHT NOW! O Fuck he spews the mysterious liqueur into Swagger's eyes and it is my brother's least favorite finish: the flash roll-up by Santino. That finish was groan-inducing. Who the fuck does that help??? Santino has been dead in the water for years because of the booking. They killed Swagger dead only to realize that Swagger can actually ya know wrestle and it says wrestling on the marquee. So they have decided to re-push him, but God forbid we let Santino (Captain Jobber) look weak. This show sucks.
WAHOO another direct-to-DVD release for Cena. That shit just looks weak against the Rock.
WOO! WOO! WOO! Zack Ryder is out for his 3-minute squash against Dolph. At least Ziggler will go over. This is why the booking is so ass-backwards. Zack and Santino are both comedy jobbers. The difference is people actually chant "We Want Ryder" at shows, but who gets jobbed out every week: if you guessed Ryder, then send your resume to WWE. Dolph is so silky-smooth in the ring, it is so sad that he has like no one to work with. Definitely one of the best wrestlers in the world today. Ryder is bustin out the moves tonight, missile dropkick and a plancha! He knows he needs to make the most of it before Creative gets bored with him. So that is a little unfair that I said Ryder gets jobbed out every week. He is just made to look weak because he always needs help (see Hugh Jackman) to pick up the duke against Dolph. Dolph won the the big match at the PPV this past weekend. So he is not being booked like John Morrison, who is being shit on, but I think he could afford some cleaner wins to help his credibility. Ryder has a fun gimmick and yeah he is a bit vanilla in the ring that has never stopped WWE from pushing someone. I dont know why they are so skiddish with Ryder. Listen to the crowd chant "Lets Go Ryder! WOO! WOO! WOO!". He is over and the US Title is pretty much a joke so it is not like you are going to tarnish despite the best efforts of Ziggler to salvage the title. Ziggler is so damn good and he is pretty witty. The problem is comes off kinda wooden in his promos. Though he doesnt get much promo time and judging based on his promos on the Ryder youtube show he is improving. Love the face-wash in the corner by Ryder, this has been well-booked. Great false finish with Ryder getting his knees up in the corner and pinned Zigs, but the ref missed the foot under the ropes. Zigs takes advantage of the distraction. Only to be shaken off by Ryder. HOLY SHIT ROUGH RYDER!!!! RYDER WINS! HE WINS CLEAN! Totally makes up for the Swagger job. Much better booking, which is totally surprising. Alas, it was non-title. Ziggler with sell-job, but makes sure to hold up his title to remind everyone he is the champ. He gets it.
THE KLIQ EXPLODES NEXT! The feud no one wanted to see in 2003, is now the main feud of 2011. Yep, Big Sexy Kevin Nash vs Triple H. Look, I like the both of the, I love Nash promos, but Nash has not been able to wrestle well since like 1996 and unless he is putting over Punk or someone of that class what is the point. I dont know if Nash had an acute case of jobberitis (the Kliq members seem extremely susceptible to this disease) and didnt want to lay down for Punk, or he actually was injured, but the whole hot-shotting of the HHH/Punk too early killed Punk's momentum. Recap of last week, for once I am happy because I missed this. "I am not worried about my neck. I am worried about my heart. Kevin Nash broke my heart." It was hokey, but I thought it was effective and put over how personal this feud is. Nash comes back in with Sweet Lady Sledge and hits Trips from behind. Nash is in tremendous shape for 50, at least. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA we are made to believe that Nash hit HHH with the sledgehammer in the head. Ugh, I prefer a bit more realism. Nash has been re-signed. Yay? His promos were sub-par against Punk. Though, I got the impression that he was being muzzled so Punk could look even better. Nash's wrestling matches are a guilty pleasure because I can just unload all my jokes on him. O wait I dont watch wrestling with anyone. Good thing I am my own biggest fan! Gotta keep playing to that Audience of One.
They postpone the Cole/JR bullshit until next week as Cole calls JR yellow stating his excuses run the gauntlet of poop, old man, and fat jokes. Quite the range, why do I watch this shit? Look, I get it, Michael Cole was/is a heat machine, but make him a manage already so his heat can facilitate the rise of someone who actually wrestles. It was fun going into Wrestlemania so that King could have his one Wrestlemania match, but you should have just blown it off then. This is going to be bowling-shoe ugly next week.
Miss Piggy is hitting on the best-looking curtain-jerker in the world, John Morrison only to bring that horrible little midget on my screen. Miss Piggy whacks him in the family jewels. WOOOO! I am a sucker for midget violence.
Cena/Miz starting at 10:55, I smell schmozz finish. This show NEEDS MORE Truth! I still cant really take the Miz seriously, but at least he is pretty good at promos. Cena's new shirt reads "Rise Above Hate" as far as hokey shit goes at least I can get behind that one. Though I am a little disappointed it is not in that fashionable Fruity Pebbles hue that he loves to rock. Pretty decent pop tonight foe Cena surprising as Atlanta boo'd Cena pretty heavily. Music cuts out and here come the boos. CENA SUCKS! Music to my ears. Dueling chants now as we get the Seven Minute STall O Doom at 11 pm. Come on guys, lets go. Cena with his shitty fisherman's suplex. Miz takes over with a high leg, lots of knees and we hit the chinlock a minute into this match. The crowd is red-hot dueling chants. Cena is totally over-selling, which only makes his inevitable no-selling even worse. Miz seems so lost. What the fuck? Knees, kicks, chin-lock. Rinse, lather, repeat. Miz has been a main eventer for a year now, I feel like he would know how to lead a match by now. SUPERMAN COMEBACK! Now time for the dirtiest move name in PG WWE, The Five Knuckle Shuffle. Miz cuts off Cena with a modified neckbreaker. Miz stalls with FIERCE facial expression. Cena almost catches him with his shitty STF. Miz with another modified neckbreaker and stalls again. Wow, Miz maybe if you followed up, dumbass.These guys have no chemistry. Miz is too small and his moveset consists of too many heel cliches. It is not conducive for Cena to have a good match. Miz needed to work this as a chickenshit heel and Cena as the angry superman. Way more entertaining. Miz is wrestling like a monster heel, looks fucked up. Wow, did they plan this match at the last second. There is NO flow to this match. Taking the match outside. I smell shenanigans. A "fan" grabs onto Cena, to give Miz a slight advantage, but dont worry kids, our fearless leader, Cena traps Miz in his shitty STF to make him submit and end my misery. Lo and behold, the "fan" is R-Truth, Miz's running buddy, who promptly takes Cena's finisher. Fuckin eh. We already know Cena/Rock are going to squash Awesome Truth. Cant they at least get the upper hand leading up to the match. Who books this crap?
My feelings exactly!
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