The Ballad of the One Man Gangbang: 69 Sleeziest Pick-Up Lines

Editor's Note: I originally wrote this for an audience of one, ME! I did a stellar job as I laughed my whole way through. It has been four years so I think this needs some updating!


Hey yo Foxy Ladies and Studmuffins Du Jour,

When I first started this blog, I think this is what a lot of people wanted: an extended version of my event descriptions. Martin, nobody wanted you to blog. Nobody was saying to themselves, good God what I need  in my life is more Martin. Between facebook (Martin Boulevard), twitter (@superstarsleeze) and having to see your candy-ass live and in vivid technicolor, people were not exactly clamoring for more Martin. Yeah then why did I recently reach the milestone of 69 followers, tough guy? (2016 Martin: Doubled that!) Ke$ha still has not replied to you. (2016 Martin: Still true. Single tear) Yes, people the old conversing with myself gag is back and who is that callin me from the kitchen? Is that Dinah that I hear callin me? DINAH IS BACK~! This fine-lookin muthafucka is who is the kitchen with Dinah! (2016 Martin: Totally forgot about how hard I tried to get the Dinah thing over. One of those things that was wicked funny to me that no one else cared about.)

It is the Greatest Hits of Superstar Sleeze. All the classics that make your nether-regions blush with none of the long-term side effects. #AnimalMagnetism (2016 Martin: That hashtag needs to make a comeback pronto)

 I am prone to a lot of adieu (2016 Martin: Hell Yeah I am!) so lets get this clusterfuck underway. As always all the following the material is 100% originally mine except for two instances, which are noted. (2016 Martin: That is true to varying degrees) I HIGHLY recommend the TOP 15!!!!!!!

Hollywood Dream Productions with Shock & Awe Entertainment Proudly Presents The 69 Greatest Pick-Up Lines of Superstar Sleeze 

69. Every summer is the Summer of 69 when you spend it with me, baby

I dont fault Bryan Adams one bit. If I had a Summer of 69 I would be shouting it from the mountain-tops too. (2016 Martin: Great fall pick up line alteration: I don't want my Summer of 69 to end)

68. What do I have to do to earn a backstage pass?

Risky because you never know what they might make you do. Like clean their apartment. *shivers*

67. I will trade my yogurt for some milk. Deal?

Capitalism is a beautiful thing.

66. Let me entertain you with both my heads.

You know why men are inherently better than women because two heads are always better than one! 

65. "I got a lion in my pocket and baby it is ready to roar" - Prince

(2016 Martin: The original pick up line here was a clunker. This has actually been my most successful pick up line of all time so it ought to be included even if it is a direct ripoff of Prince. Prince is the all time greatest sleeze lyric writer. Rest in Purple, my brutha.)

64. May I come inside?

That does not feel original, but it is the greatest double entendre in history. Do I hear an argument against?

63. Lookin for some backseat education tonight. Gold Pontiac Trans Am License Plate: EZWUV69

I love a teacher's pet! WOOOOOO

62. I can just tell we are going to get along oh so well! :D

(2016 Martin: The original one was lame. This is actually a really classy pick up line that absolutely slays on the online dating scene. Scored many a number with this bad boy.)

61. All of a sudden I have a wicked hankerin for chestnuts. They go really well with some gravy or so Im told.

Perfect for the upcoming holiday season when you are hanging out with a couple sweater puppies.

60. Do the same rules apply for cameltoe as for mistletoe?
(2016 Martin: That would have to be one tall woman!)

59. Let me unburden my soul all over you.

A little Papal inspired Sleeze. Pope Alexander VI is the original Sleeze OG. (2016 Martin: Look up the Banquet of Chestnuts)

58. Wont you please take ME home tonight? Im homeless!
 

Women love charity cases!

57. #OccupyMyPants
 

Once topical, but if you get with the right bleeding-heart, still effective

56. Are you up for a STIFF challenge?

(2016 Martin: Absolutely shocked this did not make the original list!)

55. You are a very dirty girl. Good thing I have a big hose.

The only thing I like to clean is a girl's mouth. WOOOOOOOOO

54. I'm a pro. I have been practicing on a Slip N Slide since I was 5.

Women are just the human versions of Slip N Slides, right? Right? RIGHT? (2016 Martin: I lol'd pretty hard at this one! Totally forgot about this one.)

53. Here bunny, bunny, here bunny, bunny come nibble on my carrot.

How many bunnies will you see this coming Halloween? A lot. How many will fall for this? All of them. Replace bunny with "kitty", nibble with "lap up" and carrot with "milk" to see the same results with girls dressed as cats. DM me on twitter for my address so you can send me a thank you gift. (2016 Martin: No one ever thanked me! All you ungrateful bastards getting laid without giving proper credit. You will never make my rainy day! Hmmmph!)

52. I like where your head is at, but if we could just get it a bit lower. 

The key to any relationship is open and honest communication.

51. I dont bite unless you want me to.

For maximum effect use the Elvis lip quiver.

50. Why go to Yellowstone National Park? When you can feel Old Faithful all over you right here!

I have dubbed my cock: Old Faithful (2016 Martin: This is not true. Naming your cock is for squares.)

49. Don’t be crestfallen, babe, Im going to get to you too.

Perfect in group settings, it disarms the best friend from being a cock-block. Ergo converting an enemy of your cock into a harborer of your cock. 

48. Would you like to taste Lucifer’s Magic with me? SHOUT AT THE DEVIL~!

Nuthin like a little Devil-Worship to set the mood for a Fun Night of Carnal Lust

47. Hi my name is High Chief HeavyLoad

Actually my American Indian ex named me Chief Hugh G Rection...if Im lyin, Im dyin...can you trust a carny? (2016 Martin: Was your American Ex named Vince Russo? Yep no one is getting that joke.)

46. Im a chemical engineer and I know I can engineer some chemistry between you and me.

This is an example of a shitty pick-up line. Sometimes you have to teach this way.

45. Nobody carries a roll of quarters with them in 2012, dont fear the unit.

The number one reason you dont get laid is because women are afraid of your unit. Dont let them fear the unit!

44. Ready to feel nine inches better?

(2016 Martin: One of the ones I came up with in the past four years and have never gotten a chance to use it! So sad.)

43. Is your name Cinderella? Because I know I am going to be a snug fit.

(2016 Martin: The original was fucking awful. Actually rolled my eyes. Hey, it was pretty hard coming up with 69 sleezy, cheezy pick up lines.)

42. What you see is what you get. But what you dont see is even better yet!

This is the only one, I completely ripped off somebody famous. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to find out who. (2016 Martin: Superstar Billy Graham!)

41. Best Male Stripper in Washtenaw County as voted by the Ann Arbor Sun-Telegram 3 years running.

Women like successful men. I thought they liked charity cases? Hmmmm, Dinah is callin me. (2016 Martin: I only kept this because the transition is fantastic!)

#HealthyLiving

40. Dinah, wont you blow my horn?

Always give girls you meet the nickname, Dinah followed by the date. I am currently dating Dinah0728, Dinah0914 and texting Dinah1001. It is not as confusing as it sounds. (2016 Martin: I never did this. I really wanted this "Dinah" thing to work.)

39. Just how far does the rabbit hole go?

Im Portuguese. Exploring is in my nature especially tight crevices.

38. Do you always leave your highbeams on?

She is attracted to you always point this out. Power trips are what sex is all about. Follow up with the K-I-S-S-I-N-G song for maximum effect!

37. Ogle ogle ogle ogle ogle ogle ogle ogle

What? You try coming up with 69 pick-up lines, tough guy!

36. You have 206 bones in your body, how about we make that 207!

My main squeeze, E from 7-Dime helped shape that idea. He is pretty funny and a Nats fan, you can follow him @EvansWithAnS #Natitude

35. Wow, I have always wanted to be the same place as Gene Simmons, Tommy Lee, and Bret Michaels!!!

Until they are all inducted into the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame, you are going to have settle for 50 year old cooch.

34. Dont you just hate it when "nice" guys bitch about the friend zone?

So I hear women like assholes... (2016 Martin: Nobody likes assholes!)

33. Wanna lick the cream off my cone? 

I only do this with ice cream in my hand, my one foray into prop comedy. Carrot Top would be so proud.

32.  I am the tambourine player for Duran Duran. So you know Im good at rhythmic banging.

Then proceed to flip over a table and sing Hungry Like a Wolf. Panty-dropper! (2016 Martin: I saw Duran Duran this year!!!!)

31. If we are all real quiet, I bet we can hear the ocean between those cans.

Michael Starr of Steel Panther approves this pick-up line!

#HireMeCarWash

  30. Scream while I ream and I will make you gleam with cream.

All this rhyming, I done gone turned myself on. (2016 Martin: I turned myself on again!)

29. You'll be grinning like the Cheshire Cat, when I make you Sticky and Pretty.

All I ever want is to put a nice, big smile on a pretty girl's face. Is that so wrong?

28. Listen here sugar, the Irresistible Force always triumphs over the Immovable Object.

Hit em with some undeniable science and panties will moisten

27. My favorite bird is the peacock, but you definitely strike me as a woodpecker-kinda girl.

If you can do the Woody Woodpecker laugh, bonus points.

26. My thrust is causin all the fuss.

Not much of a pick-up line, just a fact.

25. Kiss my barrel and you'll meet your maker!

Thanks to Lynyrd Skynyrd's Mr. Saturday Night Special for the inspiration. (2016 Martin: Im pretty sure this was a Zodiac Mindwarp rip-off, dude)

24. Buck up little trooper, I always rise again in the morning.

So this isnt a pick-up line as much as a witty "I just banged your brains out and there is more where that came from" line.

 

23. Im buyin what you are sellin, lucky for you I pay in pearls.

Use this one with care. You dont want to end up in jail for propositioning or if she is a hooker you dont want your knees broken by a pimp. Discretion is advised, make sure they know "pearls" = splooge.

22. Take the hostility to the bedroom!

One of my classic lines from Michigan. (2016 Martin: Probably the greatest line I ever came up with. It is a horrible pick up line, but it is just so classic Martin.)

21. Im as bad as you let me be...
 

Leave that toilet seat up, do it. Do it.

What tennis court does she play at?

20. My favorite game is Swallow The Leader! What's yours?

It is also Bill Clinton's favorite game!
 

19. Nobody can deny my hard candy!

What I always have 5 root beer barrels on me. Get your mind out of the gutter.

18. I have a string of pearls for those big girls.

Did I mention they were edible?

17. Weebles wobble, but they all fall for my #AnimalMagnetism

People still know what Weeble Wobbles are, right? (2016 Martin: Surprisingly did not use that many out of date references!)

16. *Aggressive Bedroom Eyes*

Sometimes all it takes is a point, thrust and a WOOOOOO to ravish a woman. My most successful pickup technique. Some things are just best left unsaid. (2016 Martin: "Why talk with your lips when you can talk with your hips!")

15. Me: Who would think would win in a staring contest? Her: Me, obvi Me: I agree; I am prettier.

(2016 Martin: The original comment sucked, but this is one of all-time favorites! It is one that makes you think!)

14.  Were those a present or are you just that blessed?

This one just gets it all out there. She has a nice rack. You want to talk about it and feel it. She wants to talk about it. But instead of saying, "nice rack" add a little pizzazz with this line. 

13. I am the best dentist in town. Nobody drills and fills better than me!

I am going to keep drilling this in when in doubt rhyme.

12. Laughter is the first step to the female orgasm

This is a good follow-up once you got her laughing. Add that there are x number of steps still unknown and that you are the lead researcher. I bet you will have a subject immediately! (2016 Martin: I came up with this in line of the RMV when I saw a guy making his girlfriend laugh. Yes, I am sensitive!)

11. Sugar this aint no museum exhibit. This is a muthafuckin pettin zoo and the Boston Peacock is the main exhibit.

"Pet the Sweaty" - Tommy Lee, best advice going today. The Top 10 is some of my best work, stay tuned! (2016 Martin: UGH! THE BOSTON PEACOCK NICKNAME! The AA Folk Hero was badass, but the Boston Peacock was not. Some things are best left forgotten)

10. Diamonds are a girl's best friend, well I am as hard as a diamond and lasts just as long.

Energizer Bunny certified.

9. I dont swallow my pride, but you sure can.

Nutritious N Delicious

8. Im one hard act to swallow.

Used best after CRUSHING the club with the Force of your Thrust!

7. They say it is all about inner beauty. Mine is vanilla-flavored.

The number one choice off my menu.

6. If you want me to go away, all you have to do is BLOW ME [pregnant pause] AWAY!

This one would have finished higher, but it best works after you have exhausted all your arsenal and this is a last-ditch attempt to win her over. FACT: Every guy who hears you say this will want to be your friend. You can never have enough dude friends.

5. May I take your picture? I want to post it on my #ThingsThatGiveMeForeverWood Tumblr.

Just made this one special for this posting and now I have to go make a Tumblr. What a hard life I lead. (2016 Martin: Things that give me forever wood! I had forgotten about that.)

 

4. I want to take you to the learning tree and drop my knowledge ALL. OVER. YOU.

I have one well-crafted learning tree... (2016 Martin: Honestly you can add "all over you" to most sentences to make them sexual.)

3. I'll have the Poontang Pie Ala Mode

Just made this one up last night and instantly fell in love with it. I have a wicked sweet tooth. Care to indulge me? (2016 Martin: Did I order myself cum-covered pussy in 2012? That ought to read I will make it poontang pie ala mode!)

2. To answer your question: NINE INCHES!

A sleezy favorite among my friends and fans. Just know, false advertising is illegal, I have never broken the law. (2016 Martin: I don't know if this one is true anymore, I might have grown...;) )

1. Interested in a One Man Gangbang?

Could really any other pick-up line top this list? It is the original. It is my calling card. Tonight, I want everybody to have a one man gangbang! (2016 Martin: I love this one!)


In the eternal words of My Future Ex-Wife, Ke$ha, go get laid, muthafuckas!!!!!