#5 Skid Row - Skid Row: Park Avenue To Skid Row

ROCKTOBERFEST: A Most Excellent Countdown of the 31 Most Bicthin Glam Metal Albums

#5 Skid Row – Skid Row (Released 1989) 5x Platinum #6 Billboard 200

Sebastian Bach (Axl’s BFF) – vocals

Scotti Hill (Worst Hair In Band. Still Get Pussy. Success Kid.) – lead and rhythm guitars

Dave “The Snake” Sabo (My snake intimidated Jon Bon Jovi) - lead and rhythm guitars

Rachel Bolan (I am compensating with this nose chain) – Bass

Rob Affuso (One night aint enough of his love) – Drums 

The debut album from these East Coast rockers, Skid Row, is the youngest album to crack the top 10 being dropped on the masses in 1989. It features the vocal prowess and range of Sebastian Bach. Don’t let his pretty boy looks and long blonde locks fool ya, this right here is a one tough muthafucka that belt out a power ballad as well as he can sneer through a sleezy steamer. Skid Row imparts an East Coast toughness on this album, which can be derived from the New York/DC punk scenes. Hill/The Snake are not most technically proficient guitar tandem, but they get the job done with buzzsaw riffs and short, melodic solos.

What differentiates this band from the other millions of clone glam milieu in 1980s is the raw, unadulterated talent of Sebastian Bach and the aggressive metallic sound. In the only other “legitimate” countdown I could find for a Best Glam Metal albums of all-time, Skid Row’s debut took the top spot. This is what metal-rules.com had to say,

Here is the link to their clearly inferior countdown: http://www.metal-rules.com/polls/index.php?id=8

“With their very first release from 1989, Skid Row turned heads. From out of the blue, this Jersey quintet took on the Sunset Strip juggernauts (Crue, Poison, GNR, etc.) and held their own. Armed with such hits as "Youth Gone Wild," "18 and Life" and "I Remember You," Skid Row soon commanded the airwaves and ruled over the wild, headbanging youth of the free world. Certainly, circa 1989, you couldn't scan the magazine section of your local grocery store without seeing a few pictures of Sebastian Bach reflecting off the covers of Circus, Hit Parader, Metal Edge or RIP magazine. Skid Row at number one? Well, the collective view of the Metal Rules staff seemed to think so. It cannot be argued, however, that Skid Row, supported by some great riffs and an amazing voice, released one of the best albums of the late 80's!”

Most of the albums in my top 5 were not eligible for voting due to a narrow view of what glam metal is. However, the fact East Coast glam albums took numbers 1 and 2 (Cinderella’s Night Songs) over Ratt’s Out of The Cellar (#3) is just preposterous. This comes from a huge Skid Row fan. Without further adieu, let me see them BIG GUNS!

Axl + Baz = <3

The first cut off the album is the tongue firmly planted in cheek, Big Guns. What do you learn from this? You learn that Bach will be screamin and howlin through the rest of the album. The riffs will be buzzsaw, nasty little bitches that don’t sound that good, but make you revel in the filth. Most importantly, the boys don’t take this too seriously. (AMEN!) This song always brings a smile to my face and has me singing along. 

The chorus is just too good, “She has the BIG GUNS!//Pointed at my heart//She has my lovin reaching for the sky.” What on earth could he be talking about??? I have always wanted to play this song while a buxom lass was running about, but alas buxom lasses no longer listen to the METAL~!

Next up is the first song I ever heard from Skid Row, their metal anthem, Youth Gone Wild. First off, it features a “Woah” outro so the song has to at least be good. Overall, I think the riff could be more prominent. I fuckin love the drum fill signifying we are going into the chorus. Bach just absolutely owns this song and conveys the emotion of living on the street and fighting for their right to party.

Skid Row wins hands-down the award for the best pure power ballad with I Remember You. A perfect blend of power and sugar. It begins with the typical acoustic intro and Bach showing his range with a sweet melody. Before the band kicks in and the guitars blare, only to show restraint again before full-bore on the chorus. The chorus is urgent and catchy. You just have to hear it. As was typical in the late 80s, the best solo can be found on the power ballad. The bridge out of the solo (it was the 80s they had a bridge into the solo too, excess at its finest), which is what Skid Row excels at and loves and this song is a perfect example of this. Bach vocals on the lyrics of “I woke up to the sound of pouring rain. Washed away a dream of you. Nothing else could ever take you away. Because you will always be my dream come true. Oh my darling, I love you.” If that doesn’t moisten and drop some panties, I have no fuckin clue what will. Great finish, great song, definitely take a listen.

Ok, put away the tissue box, it is time to fuckin rock again with Piece of Me. Bach is sleezin in the city with his high heels on and looking pretty, but he is looking for a fight. That disparate juxtaposition (pretty & fighting) is what glam metal so interesting and vital. This is definitely the heaviest and toughest song on the album that is a portent of things to come. Slave to the Grind, the follow-up is a heavy metal masterpiece, but it was NOT a glam metal album, it is a straight-up heavy metal album (it would be the first heavy metal album to debut at number one). I love that sound of the lead guitar on this one coupled with the pounding of the drums I just want to bang the shit outta my brain. The whole song sounds like it is on the verge of collapse with all the belligerent energy and Bach’s strained, but powerful vocals are on full display. 

We wrap this review with the last of the hits from this album, the power ballad: 18 & Life. This one deals with subject matter of a troubled teen that makes one bad mistake and ends up behind for the rest of his life. The music reflects the change in usual subject matter of power ballads being a bit darker, a bit heavier, and ominous. There are cool hooks you continue to learn on each listen. Like just now as Bach says “Ricky is the Wild One” the lead guitar does a screech. Just cool little things like that. Bach sounds vibrant preaching the travails of Ricky with his heart of stone. It is a cool little story in genre that is bereft of songs with stories. 

Listening to this album again, I am bumming that missed out on my chance to see Seb Bach in concert in Detroit. But with Van Halen tickets at $100 (that was for the cheap seats!) you have to make some sacrifices. For those who don’t know Bach and Skid Row have broken up. Bach has a solo band and then there is Skid Row. I definitely recommend the nest album, Slave to the Grind, who those who like their metal a bit heavier and faster.

From the youngest album to the oldest album to make the top ten, we are taking the way-back machine. Here is Skid Row’s Sweet Little Sister to play us out.    

#6 W.A.S.P. - W.A.S.P.: FUCK LIKE A BEAST!

ROCKTOBERFEST: A Most Excellent Countdown of the 31 Most Bitchin Glam Metal Albums

#6 W.A.S.P. – W.A.S.P. (Released 1984)  Gold

Blackie Lawless (Heavy Metal Alien) – Vocals, Bass

Chris Holmes (Look Ma, I Love Vodka!) – Lead &Rhythm Guitars

Randy Piper (Is he related to Rowdy Roddy?) – Lead &Rhythm Guitars

Tony Richards (Did he explode?) - Drums

Blackie and the Boys torch the town, ravish the women, drink aplenty and rule the world with their steel six-strings. This ultra-badass album comes from the band known as We Are Satan’s People or We Are Sexual Perverts. Either way they are apart of the elite Unholy Trinity of Glam (Motley Crue, Ratt), together these three bands with capture 4 of the top 6 albums on this countdown. These are the bands that formed glam metal paved the way for everyone else to reap the rewards. WASP was the darkest, heaviest of three drawing on the shock rock acts of the 70s and pushing the envelope even further. Holmes and Piper are among the most under-appreciated guitar tandems of all time. I just fuckin love that incredibly metallic tone. It is so fuckin ballsy. But this aint no death or black metal album (even with songs such as Torture Never Stops and On Your Knees). Blackies makes sure to bring the fuckin hooks on every song. 

WASP combines glam rock, shock rock and heavy metal into a streamlined attack for the listener that is as vicious as it is sweet. Glam is a genre that hinges upon the convergence of macho toughness, sleazy filth and partying excess. The variety on the record from metal anthems, to mid-tempo crushers to speed metal destroyers provides evidence that Blackie is not a one trick pony. Blackie also has the best voice of the three vocalists in the Trinity. His voice has a power that is almost unmatched in glam metal (Dee Snider has a shit ton of power), but he brings a certain haunting style to his vocal hysterics. While Crue and Ratt tried to out-sleaze each other, WASP always brought a sense of danger different from these bands because of the haunting vocals. 

A Main Event In Any Arena, right Gorilla?

The difference in guitar attacks between the three bands also demonstrates how different glam metal could be. Ratt brought the straight-ahead, pulse-pounding, head-banging Judas Priest staccato riffing with an Eddie Van Halen flare on the solos. The Crue was lucky to have Mars a totally unique guitarist with his RUDE, heavily distorted, raw buzzsaw riffs derived from the Dolls and Cheap Trick. WASP’s guitar tone was indebted to the terrifying, technical sound reminiscent of guitar-god, Randy Rhoads (RIP). Ratt was the flashy, polished attack. Crue were the too heavy to be punks, too angry to be glam and too pretty to be metal band that kicked so much ass and got so much pussy. WASP was the glam band from Hell. Well lets get onto this killer muthafucka.

Glam Gods: Nikki Sixx and Balckie Lawless were originally in the same LA glam band: Sister

My mom’s favorite glam metal song is the first cut off the album, I Wanna Be Somebody. One of my all-time favorite anthems, that encapsulates everything I am about: shiny cars, dirty money, and lots of rock n roll. I aint ever getting old, bitches. This song also displays fully how much Blackie loves drums fills. The song just sounds urgent you NEED to know the next lyric, the next fill, whats the solo. Blackie conveys this emotion with vocals with his great employment of inflection. Even though it follows the standard formula, the emotion, rawness and heaviness drag it through the sleazy filth to among the best song ever.  I love how he screams “SO CRY OUT!” So bitchin. The solo is a barn-burner that leads right back into the that super sexy glam breakdown that just draws me to this music. Hit the fuckin chorus Blackie. Damn this song fuckin rules. I WANNA BE SOMEBODY!

Next up, maybe my brother’s favorite glam metal song, L.O.V.E. Machine. Blackie and the Boys sure love to prove they can spell. My brother and I played this song non-stop a couple of summers ago because it rocks so fuckin hard. This is a killer example of that spooky effect that Blackie can achieve his vocals that no other glam vocalist can replicate. “You see that trail of broken hearts//They all belong to me//Magic runs through my fingers//One touch youll see” Holy shit, good lyrics on a non-Crue album, ya shitting me. I fuckin love WASP. The guitar fill is one of the best hooks ever. I love the fuckin rumbling rhythm section, it sounds straight off a NWOBHM album. Like I said, I love glam metal albums that remember to put metal in glam metal. This album is just chock full of face-melting solos and this song is no different. Fuck this album kicks so much damn ass.  

Then comes the mid-tempo stomper to remind all the B.A.D (yes another phonetics lesson from the boys in W.A.S.P.) Girls that he loves them even if their parents think they have been very B.A.D. I love that opening guitar riff and it just plays in a hypnotic loop through the rest of the song. The snappy 80’s snare is on full-display here with giving the song plenty of punch. The solo employs so many cool shred techniques and offers the perfect bridge back to a catchy chorus. 

There are power ballads then there is a FUCKIN WASP POWER BALLAD. So while Bret Michaels loses his balls and replaces it with a huge pussy. Blackie writes a power ballad about being Satan and seducing women. Reason #19547 why WASP kicks ass. The chorus is absolutely hypnotic. One of the best choruses I have ever heard. Then that first note of that solo. Holy shit. Just what power and tone. Then whole solo is an ode to everything kicks ass about the 80s. Literally sounds like he is bending metal with his fingers. I was just listening to the song and I am like it is over already. That is always the sign of a true killer gem.  Come taste the Love of Lucifer’s Magic.

I LOVE every song on this album so much, but due to time constraints I will pick just one more. I am going with Tormentor. This chorus just again shows the knack of Blackie for writing haunting, catchy choruses.  The song begins with such a forceful burst of bass and that just a great guitar intro. The riff is very indebted to NWOBHM with a galloping pace, but with a distorted version of Randy Rhoads tone. 

Really the whole album absolutely smokes. Due yourself, a favor pick it up and come join me at the altar of Blackie.

Now that we are entering the hallowed grounds of the Top 5. Here is a recap of the #10-#6, which you can find in the archives.

#6 W.A.S.P. – W.A.S.P. (First-Wave Glam Metal)

#7 Cinderella – Night Songs (First-Wave Glam Metal)

#8 Poison  - Look At What The Cat Dragged In (First-Wave Glam Metal)

#9 Def Leppard – Pyromania (First-Wave Glam Metal)

#10 Twisted Sister – Stay Hungry (First-Wave Glam Metal)

This final song was not included on the album proper, but was the original first single from WASP and was the first song I ever heard from them. I am a sick, twisted fuck because of it. Proud of it! Sleeze 4 Life! I FUCK LIKE A BEAST!

#7 Cinderella - Night Songs: Bitches Wear Polka-Dots

ROCKTOBERFEST: A Most Excellent Countdown of the 31 Most Bitchin Glam Metal Albums

#7 Cinderella – Night Songs (Released 1986)  3x Platinum, #3 on Billboard 200

Tom Keifer (Wicked talented) – Vocals, Lead & Rhythm Guitars, harmonica

Jeff LaBar (The Love Child of Eddie Van Halen and Gene Simmons) – Lead &Rhythm Guitars

Eric Brittingham (Least Glam Metal Name EVAH~!) – Bass, Backing Vocals

Fred Coury (80's Snare to Die For) - Drums

Night Songs

We stay in 1986 with the other huge album of the golden era to come from this era: Cinderella’s Night Songs (aptly named, wont ya say?). The year 1986 was a sort of calm before the storm. In 1987, we saw the rejuvenation of heavy metal with bands re-defining their sounds with pop-saturated metal (Def Leppard, Whitesnake), the sleaze counter-revolution (Guns N Roses, Faster Pussycat) and the glam traditionalists showing they still kick-ass (Motley Crue, Dokken). While 1986’s debut from Poison oozes glam from the cover, to the lyrics and to the sonic attack. Cinderella brings a glam style that would have fit in the halls of Versailles under the Sun King. Lyrically, the band keeps it straight-ahead with partying and sex, but there are some common blues tropes that find their way into the music (Back Home Again, the title track). The music is the key differentiator as Cinderella brings a definitive metal edge to their sound. From the wails and howls of Tom Keifer to the high-wattage riffs from the talented guitar duo. Not to mention that wicked sexy snare that epitomizes the 80s with each crash and snap. 

Louis XIV would be proud!

Long Cold Winter (#31 on this prestigious list) saw Cinderella move in a blues direction with their music, which would be completed on their next album, Heartbreak Station. However on Night Songs, the band finds itself rocking just as hard they partied. The captured the First Wave of Glam Metal sound and gave it a fantastic send-off before it was killed off by the rise of pop and sleaze metal.

The first choice cut off the album is my dad’s all-time favorite glam metal song. Somebody Save Me. As my dad always aptly puts it, “There is no fuckin denyin this monstah riff.” Easily one of the best riffs in glam metal history. Keifer’s vocals just lend this song and this band so much credence. You can feel how pissed off he is throughout the songs. The song is a ferocious, driving, head-banging rocker. The riff is the real center-piece and the solo is relatively un-moving.  I just got to comment on the video, Jeff LeBar’s hair is FUCKIN HUGE!!! 

The first single off the album was the KISS-inspired Shake Me (the rhythm section is very bouncy and I love it). The chorus is the ultra-80s sounding, gang-shout of “Shake Me!”. Of course, Keifer fills-in in letting the lucky lass know “Don’t break it”. While the song is a standard 80’s metal anthem single, it is just contagiously fun and always love when it comes up on shuffle. In the video, Tom Keifer, ever the badass, picks up a guitar says I am just goin to shred on this. As lead vocalist, I always thought it was pretty BITCHIN he handled all the solos. The less said about Cinderella’s mega-creepy keyboardist the better. O those eyes, how they leer. This video also taught me mean bitches wear polka-dots!

The major hit and one of the top 5 power ballads of all time is Nobody’s Fool. Unlike most power ballads, instead of wallowing in one’s depression, Keifer tells this bitch to fuck off and that he is coming back stronger than ever. It is definitely one of the most empowering power ballads out there. It is pretty heavy for a glam power ballad and one that brings the huge-end production values that make these songs so endearing. The chorus is anthemic and readily accessible. The hook is definitely the guitar/keyboard/drum crescendo to the chorus. In the video, the bassist is rockin those hideous glam bangs that everybody was so fond of in the mid-80s and at least they were paired with acid-washed overly shredded jeans. That would have been an nightmare. 

Next up is the powerful, metal-bending Nothin For Nothin that just pulverizes the listener into submission with a killer riff. The riff is an up-tempo crusher that features a great lead guitar hook that sounds like an engine revving and the squeal of peelin rubber. Great hook in the form of the gang-chorus that has you shoutin along with them. Cinderella doesn’t showcase the best solos of the metal bands, but this one is a definite face-melter. Keifer’s wail keeps the listener involved throughout the song.

Personally as a fan of heavy metal, I like when my glam metal remembers to put the metal in glam metal. That is exactly what Cinderella offers on this album, which is why this album has always been a a personal favorite of mine.

Since we are getting close to the top 5, here is a review of #11-31 that can be found by going through the archives.

#11 Faster Pussycat – Faster Pussycat (Sleaze)

#12 Hanoi Rocks – Two Steps To The Move (Glam Punk)

#13 Ratt – Invasion of Your Privacy (First-Wave Glam Metal)

#14 LA Guns – LA Guns (Sleaze)

#15 Quiet Riot – Metal Health (First-Wave Glam Metal)

#16 Motley Crue – Dr. Feelgood (Pop Metal)

#17 Whitesnake –Whitesnake (Pop Metal)

#18 Def Leppard – Hysteria (Pop Metal)

#19 Poison – Open Up and Say Ahhhh (Pop Metal)

#20 Vain – No Respect (Sleaze)

#21 Crashdiet – Rest In Sleaze (New Wave of Swedish Sleaze)

#22 WASP –Last Command (First-Wave Glam Metal)

#23 Dokken – Tooth &Nail (First-Wave Glam Metal)

#24 Steel Panther – Feel The Steel (First-Wave Glam Metal)

#25 Motley Crue – Theatre of Pain (First-Wave Glam Metal)

#26 Crashdiet – Generation Wild (New Wave of Swedish Sleaze)

#27 Faster Pussycat – Wake Me When Its Over (Sleaze)

#28 Ratt – Dancing Undercover (First-Wave Glam Metal)

#29 Pretty Boy Floyd – Leather Boyz With Electric Toyz (Bubbleglam)

#30 LA Guns – Cocked & Loaded (Sleaze)

#31 Cinderella – Long Cold Winter (Pop Metal)

Once Around The Ride finishes this review with a bass-heavy attack as Keifer howls through this heavy metal attack.      

#8 Poison - Look What The Cat Dragged In: CC Pick Up That Guitar And Talk To Me

ROCKTOBERFEST: A Most Excellent Countdown of the 31 Most Bitchin Glam Metal Albums

#8 Poison - Look What the Cat Dragged In (Released 1986) 3x Platinum, #3 Billboard 200

Bret Michaels (Silly-string! Chicks DIG silly-string!) - Vocals

C.C. Deville (Chicks DIG scarves, big hair and silly-string)  - Lead Guitar

Bobby Dall (No. 1 Bad Boy, I smoke cigs and spray silly-string into the audience) - Bass

Rikki Rockett (I want to see Tommy Lee drum standing! Silly-string standing up) - Drums

CC Pick-Up That Guitar And Talk To Me:

This man was nailing Pam Anderson at the height of her hotness. Pass the lipstick!

Glam Metal is the synthesis of glam rock, heavy metal, punk rock and blues-rock. Each band chooses to emphasis a distinct facet of glam metal to create their own distinct lending glam metal a dynamism that many genres are left bereft from their limitations. Poison, in my opinion, especially on their energetic debut, Look What the Cat Dragged In is the best average of these four disparate musical philosophies. Blues-rock is a rather minor contributor to the glam metal scene and Poison would not incorporate it until their next album (Open Up and Say Ahhh!), but the other influences are apparent in Poison's surprisingly raw, powerful and of course sleazy debut. The punk shines through the simple, raw, and unpolished riff-age that is produced on a shoe-string budget. Sonically, this is Poison's roughest albums with gang-barks rather than the polished, layered Def Lep gang-vocals. The chorus are reflective of the First-Wave glam metal instead of huge, pop choruses they utilize catchy shout-alongs with the lead vocal fills in between the hooks. The heavy metal is displayed on the flashy shred guitar solos performed by C.C. Deville, who emphasizes style over substance and the glam aesthetic of guitar squealing. Glam rock holds this chaotic mess with the strong ideal of creating repetitive and digestible songs. This guided Poison to the heights of metal superstardom of 1980's because they focused on what makes glam metal work: the hooks and that is what glam rock laid down for them.

I want that jackett OOOO soooo baddddd! Note the superfluous letters. That is how badddd I wantttt itttt. 

Of course, glam metal is the ultimate audio-visual genre and Poison took the image to whole new level in 1986. In 1985, Motley Crue debuted their Theatre of Pain outfits, which showed even the most garish-obsessed Sunset Strip hooker. In 1986, Poison, with their love for British glam rock were dead-set on topping Crue. Their look was a departure from the androgyny of Bowie in favor of dressing as their favorite pets: the very women they lived off of. They collected jewelry, accessories, women's clothing and of course hair-spray from their flavors of the month. The effect was to create one of the most effeminate images in glam metal and the most effeminate image from glam metal to actually cross over into the mainstream.  They looked like the ultimate party-band and had the songs to match. Their debut album beat out the Crue's (leaders of the glam metal) Theatre of Pain. They blew Ratt off the stage in terms of energy and crowd response. I am with you, brutha, what the fuck was this crowd on, friggin Ratt is way better than Poison. Ratt fired them as their opening act only to have re-hire them because Poison was the actual draw for ticket sales. They were hyper-sexual, a bit vapid, but incredibly, contagiously fun. I have always liked the Bret Michaels quote, "When you are putting out that much positive energy, there is going to be backlash." If they stuck to being rockstars, he would not deserve his current backlash.

Who does a guy going to have bang for his new shade of lipgloss?

So you have a song called Look What The Cat Dragged In and you dont lead off with it, welcome to the world of Bret Michaels. Though they did open their concert this past summer with it and was my favorite part of their set. There is a good reason for this. It is without a doubt, the HEAVIEST thing Poison ever produced and one of my all-time favorite songs. If all their songs sounded like this, Poison would easily rival Crue and Ratt as one of the best glam metal bands of all-time. Just a very bottom-heavy slab of metal with a great riff, that is as powerful as it is cool that serves as the fill in between lyrics. Bret Michaels sound on top form here sneering his way through some of the sleaziest lyrics: "I got a girl on the left on me, a girl on the right. I know damn well slept with both last night." The chorus is an irresistibly catchy gang-shout over the top of that ferocious riff.   Michaels almost purring "Sin after sin" notifies that smokin solo is up next and CC doesnt disappoint with one of his fastest and  entertaining solos. Look What the Cat Dragged In  is everything a glam metal song should set out to accomplish.

"I WANT ACTION TONIGHT, SATISFACTION ALL NIGHT!" is the opening hook on the single, "I Want Action". The song makes use of Rikki's bouncy drumming and swinging rhythm section that controls the song while CC plays a disjointed riff, which comes together upon each chorus. Michaels sings some of the most ludicrous lyrics in glam metal lyrics. The beginning is just plain dumb, that gets kinda rape-y ("If I can t have her. I will take her and make her.") before finishing  with the fun chorus. I am a sucker for the gang-chorus and then lead vocalist fills. Poison's Blame It On You does an even better job of this. This song also features the Van Halen trademark of the spoken-word skit/breakdown in the middle of the song.  One of the better singles off the album.

Play Dirty finds Poison at their toughest and debunking the myth that is a castrated pop band. At one point, Poison was actually  a metal band and this is a good metal song. The song begins with the attack of the guitar riff before Bret Michaels settles into signature, cool sneer. The riff is blasted into the head of the listener with few lead fills until the end, thus it is left to Michaels and the rhythm section to ensure the song never tires. Dall's well-timed bass line keeps the song sonically varied. The verses keep the listener intrigued until the one of better glam-styled choruses on the album hit.  With Michaels goes back to a purr as he says "Act tough." almost mocking the hyper-masculine culture of thrash metal, which leads into a drum solo. Drum solos are few and far between in glam metal and here's the shred-tastic solo, which CC follows with a shredding outro. This song demonstrates how to perfectly execute a song with one riff and keep the listener entranced.

Finally, the song that Poison into a household name and the symbol of glam metal, a superb work of art: Talk Dirty To Me. If Def Lep wanted to establish that they do indeed rock then Poison wanted everyone to know they are dirty. There is something about Michaels' vocal lines that always cause them to get impossibly stuck in my head. I think it only took 3 listens to this song before I knew every word. I think this also has to do with the fact that Michaels has among the best phrasing of any rock/metal singer I have ever heard. I almost always can understand him. This song also contains one of the all-time great vanity lyrics. "I know you can not wait. I would wait to see me too" The main riff always struck me as something out of a Ramones album, just a real simple buzzsaw riff that carries the song. The hook riff, heard at the beginning and during the chorus, seemed like the hook from a Sex Pistols song. The rhythm section is undeniably metallic very similar to Kiss. While Bret and his vocal lines have their origins in glam rock. Talk Dirty To Me may be the most glam metal, glam metal song as it is a perfect confluence of all its influences. Not to mention it is easily one of the best songs of all-time. I want you to tell me with a straight face that chorus doesnt want to make you party. Then when Bret exclaims "CC pick up that guitar and talk to me", I want you to tell me that isnt one of the best hooks of all-time. The solo is typical CC flash, but for a whole new audience in 1986 this song must have sounded like sex for your ears. I think that is what Poison was going for.

Most people associate Poison with anthemtic, vapid party metal. Well on their debut album they add a rawer, dirtier, sleazier twist that should be checked out at least once. This is Poison at their sleaziest before Bret decided to let all the criticism get to him and write "heart-felt" shit like "Something To Believe In". If you like hook-y, fun rock n roll than this is the best Poison offering. Excuse me, I have the urge now to play in silly-string. (see video below!) The fact that the lead single was called Cry Tough is just one of the most glam things ever! EVAH~!

#9 Def Leppard - Pyromania: I WANNA TOUCH YOU!

Rocktoberfest: A Most Excellent Countdown of the 31 Most Bitchin Glam Metal Albums

#9 Def Leppard - Pyromania (Released 1983) 10x Platinum #2 Billboard Album Charts

Joe Elliot (Yes kids, he used to have brown hair) - Vocals

Phil Collen (Yes kids, he used to shred) - Lead Guitar

"Steamin" Steve Clark (Yes kids, he used to be alive, RIP Steve) - Rhythm Guitar

Rick Savage (Yes kids, his rockstar look used to be en vogue) - Bass

Rick Allen (Yes kids, he used to have two arms) - Drums

I WANNA TOUCH YOU!

Is the scream heard towards the end of Def Leppard's transcending, mega-hit "Photograph", a line that my entire family loves to belt out. Def Leppard, Van Halen and Scorpions represent the three compromise bands that my family can always agree to listen to on road trips and the album, Pyromania by Def Leppard has the most hits that all my family loves.

I WANNA TOUCH YOU!
How many of you clicked because of this? Be honest. O your hand is busy. I understand.

Coming off the mild success of High N Dry, Def Leppard remained steadfast in their goal of breaking into America, something no other New Wave of British Heavy Metal band had succeeded in doing (only Iron Maiden would also achieve that feat. I do not consider Judas Priest and Motorhead as NWOBHM, but American success also extended to them.) Def Leppard began as a NWOBHM band with the hard and fast debut, On Through The Night. They retained the aggression and metallic playing on their more commercially palatable offering, High N Dry. In recent years, High N Dry has become one of my favorite albums of all time, just a real smoke-show, barn-burner. Def Lep sought for even a slicker sound and called upon producer, Mutt Lange. Lange had just produced AC/DC's mega-hit Back In Black and demonstrated how to do a tough hard rock album with big balls and still have it sell. Thus Pyromania represents the culmination of Def Leppard as a heavy metal band with the muscular riffs of a metal band, but with the glossy production for the album to eventually go Diamond. Def Leppard is one of the few bands in the world with TWO Diamond albums and how are they NOT in the Hall of Fame. After this Def Lep, would take the production to whole new heights with the bit too-poppy Hysteria, but on Pyromania Def Lep strikes a perfect balance between metal and production.

This was also, Collen's first album with the band as the more metal-oriented Pete Willis was fired due to drug problems. Collen's background was in a British glam rock group, Girl with Phil Lewis, who later joined L.A. Guns as their lead vocalist. Collen is not a shredder, he plays very sugary, compact melodic solos, occasionally he will shred on this album, but by Hysteria the shredding has been removed from the arsenal. I always find the solos and riffs I really like from Def Leppard usually come from Steamin Steve. Also, this album marked the beginning of Def Lep's trademarked hyper-harmonized, multi-layered gang-vocals.

Always knew we were a shoe-in to win the American Revolution

Rock of Ages, one of the most famous songs in Def Lep's cannon, is probably the first metal song I ever heard (it was either this or Runnin With The Devil). The intro is so iconic, The Offspring ripped it for their song, Pretty Fly for A White Guy. The cowbell, the driving riff, the HUGE chorus of "Rock of Ages" are all great riffs. They pale in comparison to one of my favorite hooks of all-time the call-response of "What do you want"/ "I want rock n roll". Remember when songs had more than one hook. I know HOLY SHIT!!!

Rock Rock Til You Drop, harkens back to the old days of NWOBHM with that livewire circular riff that just doesnt let-up and instantly becomes ensnared in your brain. Yes, Def Leppard really likes songs with rock in them, just in case anyone forgot they were a rock band. Elliot's devotion to the phrase "Come On" is not as fervent as it would become on Hysteria.  I have always loved the chorus of "Rock Rock Til You Drop! Rock Rock Never Stop!". One of the best solos in Steamin Steve's repertoire leading into a brilliant bridge from Joe Elliot. Is their a better genre at doing the bridge than glam metal? If so, I think someone's nose is growing.

Foolin',  is my brother's favorite Def Leppard song and is definitely in my top 5 (picking between Def Leppard songs is like picking between ice cream flavors just can't be done by intelligent beings). Of the songs of this album it is their best from a technical and emotional perspective. The acoustic intro with Elliot in his high-pitch, desperate crooning, I loves me some crooning. Then they hit you over the head with a bone-crushing, head-banger of a riff, but balance it with those sugary, multi-layered vocals. Fuckin Genius. Then it is time for the drums to dominate in the bridge before bringing in the cowbell and the chugging riff for the HUGE chorus. The dynamics in this song are perfectly executed. Like I was saying remember when songs had multiple hooks? Probably not because you were born in the late 80's like me.

We wrap up this review with the song that transformed Def Lep from a NWOBHM band into one of the biggest bands to ever melt faces and moisten panties on this planet: Photograph. Not even that bimbo, Taylor Swift could ruin this masterpiece. Everything about this song just works. It is a pop metal song about London's Photograph killer, but sounds like a hard rock love song. It is the perfect confluence of might and beauty with that signature metal riff balanced by the melodic signature vocals. The cowbell signaling the beginning of the pre-chorus is one of my favorite metal hooks. The rhythm riff that is played over on loop one of the most recognizable riffs of all time and so elegant in its simplicity. This solo in this song demonstrates Collen's best solo that fits so well with the rest of the song structure. The song is punctuated by the powerful shout of "I WANNA TOUCH YOU!" before revving back into the outro.

Pyromania was not the commercial peak of Def Leppard that would come with the glossy Hysteria, but for my money this is the peak of Def Leppard's metal prowess, which culminated after three albums. Def Leppard remains one of my all-time bands and their albums are diverse ranging from NWOBHM to pop metal and thus their albums are essential for any 80's metalhead's cache.

Family Feud: Jarrett Edition

So for most members of the mainstream world there is only one pro wrestling company: WWE. In reality there are many independent promotions sprawled across America. Bigger than these promotions because they are on national cable (Spike TV) and have monthly PPVs is Total Nonstop Action Wrestling (TNA, get it? O the hilarity). It was named by the same guy who thought Hugh G Rection was a good name for a wrestler. (Vince Russo for those wondering).

Usually I am busy on Thursday, but having taken a final this morning and not having another one until Monday. I figured enough about music. Let's sit back, watch some wrestling and write about it.

Already, a good decision because the hot blonde chick is in the front row. That is the first difference between WWE and TNA. WWE tours every week throughout the week. TNA films almost all TV from Universal Studios in Orlando, FL. Therefore there are regulars that attend every show. There is this one hot blonde chick and a wicked hot red-head that populate the front row frequently. My fiery red-head is not in attendance. They are clearly plants to get more males to attend the show, but I dont mind some eye-candy. It is way better than the guy with the dopey, vacuous countenance that me and my brother mock every time we watch the show together.

We kick off the show with a bang. The nefarious TNA World Heavyweight Champion Bobby Roode, the self-proclaimed "Leader of the Selfless Generation" (They dont make monikers like they used to) retained his title over "The Phenomenal" AJ Styles at the PPV by taking a draw. BOOOOOO! The stipulation (TNA likes stips) was the winner was who could accumulate the most decisions (pinfalls/submissions/DQ/countouts) in a 30 minute time span. This is dubbed an Ironman match. So at 3 falls apiece, Roode shrewdly ran out the clock knowing a draw would retain his title.

The booking was hotly debated this week. Many smarks (a portmanteau of smart and mark. A mark is a sap for falls for a con. Smart indicates we are wise to the business.) look down on TNA as bush-league bullshit with poor booking. I agree TNA has ADD booking, but it can be entertaining and exciting. It is a breath of fresh air from the safe, sterile booking of WWE. Many smarks hate inconclusive finishes especially to main events of PPVs, which is sensible you want to see a clean finish for something you pay for. This is Roode's first run with the title and he needs wins over credible babyfaces, but the draw does drag the program out in a clever fashion.

Styles is who I consider the best American wrestler in the world. He is a perfect blend of high-flying, good-psychology and excellent selling. He has the task of making Roode look like a star and nobody could be better for that.

A wonderfully spirited 5-minute match that blows most of WWE out of the water. The chain wrestling was fluid there was some illogical breaks, but it was never dull. Roodes continued the story of trying to milk the clock, which led to a cool spot where AJ cut Roode off at the pass with a bicycle kick from the floor. Apparently, Styles' leg was targeted at the PPV and he re-injured it on a springboard 450 splash. The clock ran out again only for the current Authority Figure of the Month Sting (a rightful knock on TNA is the revolving door of authority figures. I am sick of wrestling authority figures) to make it a fall to the finish.

Summarily, Roode chop-blocked the knee and slapped on a vicious-looking half-crab for the submission victory. They should have just done that on the PPV. Good booking just do it on the PPV. Since they did not bad booking.

Next segment is Mexican Heavyweight Hernandez teaming with a Welsh Bodyguard Robbie T. in a what the announcers tell me is a wildcard tag tourney (partners drawn at random). I didnt hear what the winner of this tourney gets and if this is the first round. I presume it is. SCOTTY STEINER~! (Fellow University of Michigan Alumni). He is tagging with fr-enemy, Abyss, who is deranged, sociopathic monster who wears a mask. Steiner and Abyss used to be on the same team, Immortal, but Abyss kept fucking shit up. So they gave him a hard time, but the big lug has feelings. Now I could have sworn Abyss already beat the shit out of Immortal, but Steiner seemed to convey there was just tension and there was still a chance to make amends.

The match was decent. Steiner snaps off a couple sweet suplexes. Abyss cleaned house. Then feigned attacking Steiner instead tagging him letting him get the pin. Oooooooo SWERVE~! So interested see where this goes next! NOT!!! NEXT!

Kurt Angle, a real Olympic Gold Medalist in wrestling at the 1996 Olympics, is pissed he jobbed to James Storm (Bobby Roode's former partner). So he is out to complain to Sting. Sting says it is time for both them to move on. So Angle threatens to break everyone's legs in Storm's hometown to get him into rematch. I guess that is logical. Extreme, but logical. Good, simple storyline. Angle feels like he is a bigger badass and wants to prove it.

Next up is the X-Division (high-flying crusierweights). Some jabroni, who gets a jobber entrance takes on a guy named Zema Ion. Spot-rest-spot match. The spots were pretty good. Ion was intended to be the star of the match. He pulled up the jobber twice when he had the pinfall in hand before getting a win with a 450 splash off the top. Pulling up a wrestler at a 2-count is usually a death knell. This sign of hubris is usually followed up by loss by the arrogant wrestler. By letting him win, they put over Ion nicely. He could be good, I am keeping my eye on him.

So "Nature Boy:" Ric Flair is in the back hyping everyone's favorite vanilla heel, Gunner. I dont get what they see in this guy. They gave him some big wins over Sting and AJ early then decided to he wasnt ready and he got lost in the shuffle. Then he picked on Eric Bischoff's kid, who is a ref. Bischoff is a wrestling executive, who is very controversial, who's claim to fame is he is the only promoter to topple WWF for a time with his WCW. Flair wants Gunner to take out Jesse Neal because I read the dirt sheets. I know Neal is on his way out because TNA wanted him to go to the minor leagues to refine his skills and he quit. Jesse, swallow your pride because with that mohawk no girl is going to.

Predictably, Gunner drops Neal on his head on exposed concrete. I would have given Gunner the win and then had him take him out. Whatever.

Jeff Hardy (drug-addict) defeated Jeff Jarrett (good Southern veteran). Per stipulation (told you they like stipulations), Sting has the ability to fire either Jarrett or his insufferable, but hot wife, Karen. At first when they are together they both offer to step down for each other. However, when Karen is alone with Sting she throws Jeff under bus and says her position as the head of women's wrestling makes her indispensable where Jeff is just a wrestler. Plus she needs Jeff to watch the kids. Actually some pretty entertaining shit.

Per virtue of winning, Jeff Hardy is the number one contender to Roode's world title. Hardy is now on his 1064th chance to make good with wrestling companies after screwing up his career countless times with drugs. His promo ability sucks, but I cant believe I am going to say this, but thank God here's Bully Ray. I have thought Bully Ray as a member of the Dudleys has been stale for years, but his re-invention of the tough-talking, but cowardly bully has been thoroughly entertaining. They set up the main event tonight and Bully reminds Hardy that after his drug issues earlier this year, Bully took his spot as leader of Immortal. Love the continuity.

So Mike Tenay tells me this tournament is for a tag title shot. What a crock of shit and lazy booking. Here's a clue build-up a few real teams. Samoa Joe, the biggest disappointment of wrestling, a heavyweight that moves likes a crusierweight with impactful moves of a Japanese wrestler is teaming up with a smooth-talking Brit, Brutus Magnus. Due to inconsistent booking, Joe has grown lazy, but in this match against Robbie E. and Douglas William (great a British technician) he showed flashes of why he used to be the biggest potential star. Joe and Brtutus picked up the win.

Jeff Jarrett with Sting and he figures it is a foregone conclusion his wife is going home. He asks Sting to let her down gently after all she wants to be home with the kids.  Best backstage segments of the night so far.

Eric Young is a rambling dope that is very hit and miss with me. He is teaming with ODB, a nasty, filthy woman not in a sexy way like Ke$ha in like a trailer trash way. EWWWY

Ok, remember how I was entertained about Bully Ray's reinvention, well his partner, Devon has nothing, but boring and he is dragging the biggest potential superstar in wrestling with him: Pope D'Angelo Dinero. Ok, not entirely his fault, TNA soured on the Pope at beginning of the year. I dont know why because he can talk like very few can. The angle here is take on the famous Raven-Sandman angle where Raven turned the Sandman's family against him. The angle finally culminated after months with the Pope claiming to have sexual relations with Devon's wife and then Devon's kids joined in a beatdown against their father. Good angle, I just wish someone besides Devon was in it.

Jeff and Karen re-convene and outright lie to each other. Karen sayin that Jeff is irreplaceable and she needs to be at home with the kids. While Jeff says that Karen is the true star and he should be at home with the kids. I am loving this.

Woman;s match between Madison Rayne and Traci Brooks. Neither wrestles well. Traci has the worst DD-boob. They are so oddly shaped. Madison is absolutely smoking and that is my analysis for this match. Lots of hair-pulling and choking and throaty screaming. Madison Rayne rocking booty shorts reminiscent of "Mr. Ass" Billy Gunn, NOT a turn-on.

So Sting turns Jarrett and Karen on each other by ACTUALLY using the film from the show. HOLY SHIT!!! You dont know how many backstabbings could have been prevented if wrestlers actually watched their own show. Jeff is pissed at "1000 Jeff Jarrett's" line and Karen gets bitchy at "Women dont belong in wrestling" line. So Sting gets tired of their incessant bickering and fires the both of them. I like Jarrett, but that was good television.

Main event time. This is starting at 10:58, not going to get much time. This was pretty much the same main event I saw at the TNA house show back in early November in Toldeo (which was the worst live show I have ever attended). Bully went right to the heat segment on Hardy, he sold for like two minutes. Then Hardy made his comback and won with a Twist of Fate. Roode was on commentary scouting Hardy. He charged the ring after to get an advantage on Hardy. This leads to a double-team and Roode introduces a table to the ring. This leads to Bully Ray putting Hardy through a table. Sting tries to make the save, but is double-teamed.

The show peaked at the beginning. The tag matches were silly and inconsequential. They finally moved the Pope story along, but I dont give a shit about Devon. Jeff and Karen were fun and entertaining, but it ruins the momentum of the women's division as Karen did not get her comeuppance at the hands of the babyface women. Hardy/Roode is as good as program. Hardy is one of their bigger stars and Roodes needs the wins. Decent show, just as good as an average RAW.

Nevermind the Nihilism: I Like The Sex Pistols

WARNING: Do not feed this ego.

Didnt your mommy tell you?

I have no feelings. No feelings. No feelings. NO FEELINGS! No feelings for anybody else. Except for myself. My beautiful self.

"No Feelings" by Sex Pistols was the one exception to my general loathing of Sex Pistols. Johnny Rotten's harsh vocal delivery, the clatter of music and just everything about Sid Vicious (the punk not the wrestler) all sent me running back to heavy metal. It was the nihilist attitude more than anything else that irked me. After all, as a person who seeks recognition and adulation for achievements with the childhood dream of being immortalized in "A History of the Modern World" by R.R. Palmer and Joel Colton, nihilism stands in stark opposition to who I am. 

For the record, the fact that the Sex Pistols were a meticulously, artificially produced brand of revolution never bothered me. People measure their words and put thought into their image. This whole corporate branding of rock revolution thing that Kurt Cobain peddled was petulant. Sex Pistols are the best boy band in the world and the joke is on you, Cobain. 

No Feelings was my anthem. The gutter-glam guitars, the energetic, quick burst of words that characterized the vocal delivery, the chants of No Feelings, it was like Chuck Berry and Sweet were dragged through the sewer and given a bad attitude. The song captures the essence of who I am. It is not that I am ice cold and have no feelings whatsoever. I just have "No Feelings" for anybody else, why would I? Just ask my family, I have been entertaining myself in my backyard with my fantasies since they can remember. Amusing myself with my own musings is my bidness and bidness is gooooooooooooooood.

Then a funny thing happened. I was watching the Carnival of Sins tour on TV with my brother. Motley Crue ended with an energetic number that I had heard before, but I couldnt place. I heard the huge chorus-call of "I WANNA BE ANARCHY!". I was like I remember hating this song, but this cover kicks ass.

Dont bother with the Megadeth version (way too tight), Motley Crue's version features bigger production and makes this an anthem for the ages while retaining the noisy, glammy sound. Motley Crue's early trademark was noisy, glam metal so they were the perfect to enhance this song.

I believe Vince Neil was born to do three things. Crash his car. Sing in Motley Crue. Sing Sweet, Cheap Trick and Sex Pistols covers. He is just really good at singing metal versions of the songs from those bands. His version of "No Feelings" rejuvenated my dormant love for that song. This provided the impetus for me to return to the seminal punk record, "Nevermind the Bollocks: It is the Sex Pistols"

I liked it. It was like when Mikey liked Life Cereal for the first time. I really liked it. 

Years of listening to horrible sleaze and thrash vocals have mellowed me on Johnny Rotten's vocals. I found myself really digging the polished noise-glam guitars from Steve Jones. "Holiday in the Sun" features a buzzsaw, glam punk riff reminiscent of the New York Dolls that complements Rotten's snark. The repeated chants of "Pretty" on "Pretty Vacant", "No Future" on "God Save The Queen" and "Problems" on "Problem" are great hooks. Steve Jones was too talented to be a punk guitarist and it is displayed all over this album. His main riff on Anarchy in the UK overshadows what should be the greatest chorus of all-time. Partly because of production values on the vocals on that song (they should have went with a gang-shout), but also because that simple, noise riff kicks so much ass.

The Sex Pistols musically were not a punk band. The Ramones were the sound of punk. The Clash was the intelligence and versatility of punk. Sex Pistols were a noisy glam rock band that did not play their instruments as well as the guys in David Bowie and Sweet. Sex Pistols were the attitude of punk. Attitude is more critical than music. 

The Sex Pistols never reached the level of savage chaos or the vicious snark of New York Dolls. For me, The Stooges' "Raw Power" is the soundtrack to ANARCHY! But that is ok because I dont like actual danger. I prefer the simulated stuff and Sex Pistols" "Nevermind the Bollocks" is a better record than "Raw Power", but not quite as good as the New York Dolls' eponymous debut.  All three are the standout albums of glam punk movement.

Now if you excuse me, I am going to take Dinah's pretty face to Hell with me. Hail Satan! Whoops, wrong genre. I mean, I WANNA BE ANARCHY!