The TV Show that Changed My Life

WELCOME TO RAW IS WAR JULY 28, 1997

I was/am a WCW diehard through and through, but I have been going through all of the 90s WWF in order for me to rate the my Favorite 52 matches of the WWF, but given that this day 15 years ago I became a wrestling fan. I thought I would review a show I really have no recollection of, mostly because I was watching WCW instead.

We get some generic late 90’s nu-metal/metalcore and some pyros to kick off the night. I am always amazed by the amount of signs in 1997 and general rabidness of the fans. Everything so much more subdued at RAWs nowadays. There was a real buzz with each show back then. “It’s the greatest spectacle in sports entertainment today. It is Monday Night Raw”- Vince McMahon at this point only a color commentator always puts over his product strong, I am glad something never change

Hart Foundation hits the ring en force with Canadian and British flags. Good ‘Ol JR is out to conduct the interview. Brian Pillman’s antics are always a joy to watch and his Loose Canon gimmick is one of my favorites, too bad he was a cripple by this point and would pass away a mere three months later. HUGE USA chant before Bret gets to talk. Bret assails the American justice system pointing out the OJ case and states Americans will do anything to screw you. FORESHADOWING~! Paranoia about screwjob is the main gist of the promo especially as his real life arch-nemesis Shawn Micahels has been appointed the special guest referee. Bret is pissed about Shawn’s promo last week, where he railed on Canadians in a truly hilarious manner. Shawn Michaels from July 1997-March 1998 was untouchable on the stick. “America is one big giant toilet bowl.” –Bret Hart, wit is not the Hitman’s forte. Finally transitions to his match against Patriot tonight, Pittsbugh starts a Penguins chant. Hart is challenging Patriot to match tonight. Not an all-time great promo, but effective put over all the key aspects of the match coming up and riling up the crowd. The best part of this segment was the continuity everything built on last week. Hart was pissed about Michaels and Patriot’s actions last week and brought them up. Nowadays, it feels like all the episodes occur in a vacuum. 

Hype tag title match, a Shawn Michaels promo, Crush vs Faarooq and Ahmed Johnson is back. Los Boriquas vs LOD. Debut of Truth Comission.

Los Boriquas vs Legion of Doom

Los Boriquas is probably the worst stable of the ill-fated Gang Warz of 1997. A bunch of Puerto Rican clones that dress exactly the same with the same build. McMahon missed the whole point of a stable, which is have slightly different characters that are held together by some common bond so that each team member contributes something different. The Boriquas are just mediocre wrestlers that really did not stand out in anyway. LOD was getting pretty old and stale plus Hawk being to really suffer from those personal demons. Decent LOD CHANT. LOD dominates early and not selling any for the Boriquas. Wow, during commentary McMahon hypes a million dollar giveaway, which was a gimmick they recently tried a few years back. I didn’t know they tried it in 1997 too, especially with the company on the verge of bankruptcy. Oh yeah, there is a match…it is good thing Hawk just no sells shit because when he does try to sell; he totally sucks at it. The Boriquas were under the leadership of Savio Vega, a decent wrestler of the WWF since about 1993 and true Puerto Rican legend. So LOD takes their heat segment and then they are like just fuck it. Throw everybody out. So the Boriquas come in for the disqualification. In a memorable feud from my childhood, the Godwinns (formerly portrayed as goofy Hilbilles, now portrayed as nasty rednecks) come out to attack and literally drop slop on Hawk. Yep, after this segment, it is amazing that I became fan. Thank God for WCW is all I have to say. That was my first Boriqas match and I think that will be my last.

1997 King of the Ring Hunter Hearst Helmsley (not exactly Triple H, yet_ and Chyna (before all the plastic surgery looking very, very butch) are backstage to speak about his feud with Mankind. At Canadian Stampede, HHH had his first truly great match. I just watched it yesterday and was blown away by how good it was. I will have to do a review for the whole show because I just watched it in its entirety and it lives up to the hype of being one of the greatest PPVs ever. So HHH starts off the cheap heat of Mankind are you bitching and moaning about getting beat by a woman as Chyna has been the impetus for Helmsley gaining the advantage. Then he makes fun of Vader’s weight, them’s fighting words. Vader is going to fuck him up seven ways from Sunday. VADER~! Hits the ring with Paul Bearer, but before he can get down there. Mankind, dressed as a cameraman, attacked HHH. Very good brawl ensues and that’s what the WWE needs now some fuckin blood feuds. Im tired of all this bullshit and plied together matches. Give me two muthafuckers that hate each other and I will be happy. Mankind gets the nominal victory as Helmsley heads for the concession stands.

Truth Commission vs Flash Funk/ Bob Holly/Jesse James

Truth Commission was South Africa’s contribution to the Gang Warz. The same problems plagued them  as the Boriquas. The other team was the Jobber’s contribution to the Gang Warz. This was before Jesses James became Road Dogg and after Flash Funk was 2 Cold Scorpio and Bob Holly well he always sucked. Gorilla Monsoon is out, he seems so anachronistic in Attitude Era WWF. Funk had a pretty good match with Leif Cassidy in late 1996, but the gimmick really limited his ability to get over. Scorpio (Funk’s other gimmick) usually was having the best matches in ECW in 1995-96. Funk had some good aerial offense and Jammes follows that up with a cross-body block before the Commission takes over with some cheating. Kurrgan makes his debut, he was the focal point of the stable as he was over 7 feet tall and the stable was designed as a vehicle to get him over. Jammes is taking the beating and no one in the crowd gives two shits. Kurrgan wins with a freakin sidewalk slam that was possibly the worst debut ever. They needed put them over more strongly. They did nothing, but basic moves with mimimal intensity. There were no spots that stuck with you and said “Oh Fuck, that was damn brutal”

Patriot vignette. 1997 WWF was such a chaotic place. You had edgy attitudes from Stone Cold Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels. Then you have this cartoony Patriot character, which seems more at home in 1985 or sadly in 2010 then in Attitude Era. He cut such a hunky-dory promo “I don’t think I like you very much, Bret Hart” FEEL THE HATRED~!

Faarooq vs Crush

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!! Not another Gang Warz match. I LOVE stables, I really do, but McMahon very rarely books stables and this why because he doesn’t get it. Crush, is a legit ex-convict, was the leader of the white biker gang, Discples of Apocalpyspe with clear White Supremasict overtones. Faarooq, a legit Florid State football legend, is the leader of the Nation of Domination, which was an out and out Black Power group. I can see why the DOA were over with crowd because they looked like badasses, but they all sucked the meat missile and also suffered from the problem of being clones. I think if the put the LOD in the DOA that might have had something. Out of all the Gangz, the Nation was the best because each member had a unique personality plus it spawned The Rock. Yes, the Gang Warz did spit out one of the Greatest Stars in wrestling history. Faarooq with basic power offense, but Crush catches him with a powerslam off the middle rope. Crush and Savio Vega were actually former members of the Nation, but both got fired by Faarooq, which caused all the spin-off Gangz. A backbreaker gets one for Faarooq so we get some choking. This is borrrrrrrrring. Ahmed Johnson is one scary looking badass. Piledriver by Crush, JR lets us know that is one sucky piledriver. Given the fact that the piledriver has been banned so long, they could give it to a heel have him “cripple” some people and really get them over. While I was thinking of this, a clusterfuck broke out and the Boriqas joined in the fracas. Austin/HBK/Hart Foundation stuff all rocked, but good God the WWF mid-card in 1997 sucked so hard.

Remember those nasty, filthy Godwinns well they have a tag title match tonight against the Champs Steve Austin and Dude Love (Dude Love was an alter-ego of Mankind, shit like that is why wrestling can be really fuckin cool). A favorite staple of 90s booking was the Wacky Odd Couple Tag Teams that win the titles, but don’t get along.

WWF World Tag Team Champions “Stone Cold” Steve Austin & Dude Love vs the Godwinns

So the Godwinns suck in pretty much the same way each time, they are just really boring. Austin won the tag titles with another partner he didn’t care much for, Shawn Michaels, but then as was the case often in 1997, Shawn got injured, did not want to job or lost his smile. I can never remember. So they stripped him of his half of the title and Austin was forced to choose a new partner, but the thing is Austin is a total sociopathic misanthrope, but well-meaning Dude Love foisted himself on Austin. The Hart Foundation members, Intercontinental Champion Owen Hart and European Champion British Bulldog are out to guest commentate. Ya see the tag team Austin/Michaels originally beat was Owen and the Bulldog, which is definitely a top 5 tag team match of 1990’s in WWF. Dude Love is pretty over, but not as over as resident take-no-shit, kick-all-asses “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Austin, basically, single-handedly saved the WWF in its war with WCW. Also, Austin has a match at Summerslam against the Intercontinental Champion Owen Hart, add in the fact that Austin/Hart feud has been going on since last Fall just add all that sizzle I love in wrestling.   

Big brawl to start, Austin & Dude have the early advantage. Owen is sometimes forgotten on the All-Time Heel list. He wrestled the majority of his career from late 1993 until his unfortunate death in 1999 as a heel and was very good at garnering heat with his cocky, immature gimmick. Godwinns had a nice double team move as one of them bodyslammed the other on top of Dude Love. Hot tag to Austin after a short heat segment, but the crowd still pops huge for Austin’s offense. He finishes Phineas I Godwinn (get it?) with a Stunner, but Henry O. Godwinn (get it?) shoves Austin out. Owen takes this opportunity to hit Austin upside the head with his belt triggering a DQ. Brawling ensues and LOD hits the ring to get them a piece of the Godwinns. Too short of a match to mean anything with nothing too eventful Really just there to trot out Austin and promote the upcoming Owen/Austin match.

Ace Darling vs Devon Storm

This was during McMahon’s ill-fated attempted at a light-heavyweight division to mimic WCW’s wildly successful cruiserweight division. However, McMahon never pushed it seriously he attempted to use AAA talent, but that deal felt through. Then he tried to bring Great Sasuke and his boys, but Sasuke is an egotist. McMahon and Sasuke had wildly different views on wrestling booking. So here are two indy chumps, as McMahon continued to attempt to peddle light-heavyweight division only to have it become a joke for Gillberg, a parody of Goldberg. Anyways, in the pervious segement, legit UFC fighter, Ken Shamrock with all the personality of a potted plant heard that British Bulldog challenged him to arm-wrestling contest. So Shamrock strolls down with a table,

And amazingly does not crush the jabronis. Instead the jabronis have a one minute match. Who gives a fuck?

Ken Shamrock vs British Bulldog in Arm Wrestling Contest

This is better than a contract signing I give them that. Shamrock is best known as a UFC legend from the early days of the promotion, but after it seemed like the UFC would not survive the 90s Shamrock tried his hand in pro wrestling. In Japan, where worked and shoot fighting aren’t as separated, Shamrock had dabbled in pro wrestling. In May, he made his debut against fellow legit badass Vader in a stiff, hard-hitting contest. However, it was all downhill from there because the guy has second grade level grasp of the English language. SO you think hey lets just make him a silent badass that steamrolls the competition or get him a manager. Nope, lets instead book it so he has every match won, but he SNAPS~! And wont let go of the hold so that he ends up getting disqualifies. This effectively made Shamrock look like a fuckin moron and his opponent like a loser. Net gain both guys looks worse. Anyways, Shamrock was not necessarily a bad worker, he never had any classic matches ( he did take part in the 10-Man tag match at Canadian Stampede), just an unremarkable one. As part of his push, he was programmed in a feud against the Hart Foundation, the hottest heel act in the company. With Bret challenging for the World Title against Taker and Owen defending against Austin, Bulldog was what was left for Shammy. During this segment, McMahon tries to give away a million bucks. The awesome part is that Sunny is on my screen. Sunny was my second crush after Kelly Bundy. Fun Fact that is buried on page 5 of a review of a random RAW IS WAR from 1997, I am rewarding my true die-hards. So arm-wrestling contests are not every thrilling so I am going to keep talking about Sunny. She is my choice for greatest female promo and it is a shame that feel by the wayside due to drugs and alcohol. If she could have stayed clean and been given some decent wrestlers to get over she could have been one of the all-time great managers. Not surprisingly Bulldog headbutts Shammy right before losing, beats him up with a chair and then spreads dog food all over him (ok that last thing was surprising.) This set up the stupid stipulation that whoever lost their match at Summerslam would eat dog food.

Goldust vs Billy Gunn

Im a huge Goldust fan and think the original concept is one of the best characters in the history of wrestling. His entrances certainly rank up their too. However, he definitely lost some of his edge when they turned him babyface in early 1997. Marlena is smoking hot. Goldust is the transvestite, bizarre thespian son of the “American Dream” Dusty Rhodes. The Bizarre One was programmed against the equally nuts, “Loose Cannon” Brian Pillman. If Pillman wins, he gets Marlena’s “services” for 30 days (get your mind out of the gutter), If Goldust wins, Pillman has to wear a dress.  Billy Gunn was not yet a New Age Outlaw, but the Honky Tonk Man’s protégé. Another one of those weird juxtapositions as the Goldust gimmick is incredibly edgy for 1997, while Billy Gunn looks at home in 1985. Gunn sucks as a wrestler and Goldust is kinda boring in the ring nless he is in there with somebody to carry him. I am not expecting much. Early on, Gunn messes with a boxer at ringside and gets KO’d for his troubles. Pillman is out to attack Goldust and then attack him with the mannequin. Marlena tries to save by choking him out. Decent segment to remind the crowd this feud exists.

Hype the Undertaker/Bret Hart WWF World Title Match at Summerslam

No Undertaker on the show, instead they went with other wrestlers blowing smoke up his ass. Which is a great idea because when it comes his other wrestlers especially heels it really puts him over as a big deal in wrestling. This is in the middle of the second biggest angle of 1997 as Paul Bearer, Undertaker’s long-time manager, revealed Undertaker murdered his family by setting their house on fire, BUT his brother KANE survived.

Bret Hart vs Patriot

My boy, Shawn Michaels is out to provide guest commentary as Bret Hart gets some cheap heat by asking for the Canadian National Anthem to be played. Of course, when the Patriot asks for the Star-Spangled Banner to be played, Hart attacks Patriot in the midst of the song. I would be remiss to mention that Patriot has the music that would become Kurt Angle’s. Shawn Michaels is an equal-opportunity asshole and mocks the Patriot’s mask. For those not in the known, Bret Hart is one of the greatest wrestlers in the world ever taking part in more wrestling classics than just about naybody not named Ric Flair or Shawn Michaels. Given this is a RAW main event, I  am not expecting an all-time classic, but it should be a step-above all the stuff so far. While Hart is choking Patriot,  Hart has the time to flip off a fan. I miss that Attitude. Michaels points out Hart’s hypocrisy when he attacked Patriot from behind. Hart takes it to the Patriot on the outside, but this allows Patriot to hit the Patriot Missile off the top rope (lying shoulderblock). Hart begins his destruction with a ringpost figure-4 (a great-lookin move) followed by Bret’s stock offense: backbreaker, Russian legsweep, headbutt to the lower back, second-rope elbow drop. Lots of punching and kicking from Bret, surprisingly, I am used Bret working babyface, though. Ref bump off a dragon suplex attempt by Patriot, but Hart cconnects with the piledriver, but there is no ref. Oh the humanity. Hart drops the leg on the Patriot and he goes for the cover, but Michaels pulls Hart off him. Thus Patriot gets the duke over Hart with a roll-up takes to a distraction from  Michaels. It is a Bret Hart match; it is the most entertaining match on an otherwise lackluster card, but still too much punching and kicking for my liking. Booking makes sense in the long-run, gives Patriot a huge win to establish him as a player and give him a reason to challenge for the title once Hart wins it at Summerslam (SPOILER ALERT). Though Patriot could have used some more offense, still kinda squashy.

Endshot is Hart wanting to get a piece of Michaels as he mocks him behind security and the Undertaker makes his only live appearance.   

Overall, this show pretty much sucked, but it did something very right. The show played off continuity well and each match at Summerslam had a segment devoted to it to remind the viewer what would be happening at the PPV. There was not much advancement, but that is to be expected on a go-home show like this. I thought it was very serviceable, but the major storylines were so interesting that they kept my attention. My complainants were the Gang Warz sucked up too much time. I was amazed at the time devoted to in-ring action albeit most of it sucked, but nowadays promos rule the roost. We need to get back to more action!

Fifteen Years Of Dreaming

Hey yo,

Monday, July 28, 1997 was the day of the most influential singular moment of my life so far has occurred. It will probably always rank in my top ten give or take how many children I have. Hint, hint to all my long-time female readers of this thoroughly fabulous blog. The shedding of my painfully shy demeanor, my deep self-awareness, how I dress, how I behave, hell my entire world view are a direct consequence of this accident. This accident occurred next door, I was watching my cousin play Warcraft II. Yes, this is the secret to my Animal Magnetism. Well it would at least explain my lack of success with the womenfolk. Thinking out loud, I think the fact I described them as womenfolk might be why I am single.

Ya see, the video game just wasn’t doing it for me and to this day they don’t really do it for me. Though I totally see their appeal, but I still don’t derive that much pleasure from them. However, just upstairs there was something that has always leaving me wanting more and more. I left my cousin to go find out what my uncle was up to and to my astonishment I saw what could only be accurately described as superheroes come to life. There was Bret “Hitman” Hart cutting a promo about why America sucked. But get this, just two channels down on TNT (Ch. 33), there was a whole another company of these larger than life figures, but this one featured the super-cool badasses known as the New World Order. After just whetting my appetite, I raced back home and told my parents to drop everything and show them my latest discovery. My mom was probably horrified and my dad knew that this time would eventually come. I had discovered the spectacle that most boys enjoyed that weird mixture of an Action Movie, Broadway, Soap Opera and the Circus: Professional Wrestling. From then on the VCR was setup each week with a blank tape to record my wrestling programs and fifteen years later this has been replaced with a DVR, but no matter the device wrestling has been a fixture of the Cuddy household for 15 years.

Both thought that one day I would grow out of it, but just this past April almost 15 years later, my father and brother attended Wrestlemania XXVIII with 70,000+ other rabid wrestling fans. Most wrestling fans grow out of it, once they discover that they have been hoodwinked and it is all “fake”. I abhor the term “fake” because the very serious injuries and life-shortening measures these men and women undertake for my entertainment. Choreographed and pre-determined are much more accurate terms to define the nature of these “sporting contests”. Very close to the outset, I knew it was all “pre-determined” and I treated it just like any other television show. Except this TV show was TOTALLY FUCKIN AWESOME AND THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN IT. Sorry, had to mark out there. The thing is anybody knows from watching wrestling with me I am a pretty harsh critic. Most of the time, wrestling ranges from a fun diversion to an infuriating product. However, when wrestling is done just right, I don’t think there is a better form of entertainment in the world. The most recent example was the Summer of CM Punk angle from last year that generated buzz not only among the normal wrestling community, but also among ESPN and other entertainment outlets. Of course as is the recent problem with wrestling the creative team can’t sustain the buzz and achieve a thrilling climax. Noly Nowocien can relate to this problem.

Wrestling is also a very interesting form of entertainment because it very rarely leaves the viewer feeling complete. This would of course invalidate the entire business model. Everything wrestling program is geared towards making you watch the next episode, buy a ticket the next event, buy the next pay per view. There is no ending to pro wrestling. Movies, books, and TV shows all end (even though Matt Groening wants you to believe otherwise). There is a sense of satisfaction that is derived from finality, but in wrestling there is only a sense of longing. This is the reason why many disillusioned fans such as myself continue to watch. We long not for the better days, but new interesting gimmicks, creative character dynamics, crazier segments and addictive storylines. I see glimmers of all these facets of wrestling today, but they are never fully realized. Thanks to the wonders of technology, no wrestling fan is fettered to the current product and that is my favorite aspect of wrestling there is no beginning.

Before Austin, The Rock there was Hart and Michaels before them was Hogan and Savage before them was Backlund and Graham before them Bruno and Pedro before them was Thesz and Rogers and all this history makes this particular history buff drool. Even though I am only really a fan of wrestling from 1980-Now, that is over 30 years of wrestling history from companies such as WWF, WCW, ECW, AWA, NWA, AJPW, NJPW, Pro-Wrestling NOAH, CMLL, AAA, SMW, Georgia Championship Wrestling, Mid-South Wrestling, Memphis Wrestling and World-Class Championship Wrestling. I have devoured wrestling history from the outset: reading reviews of all the major supershows, reviewing title histories, perusing wrestling forums. Two of my favorite genres of pro wrestling is puroresu (Japanese pro-wrestling) and 1980’s southern wrestling from NWA. I would not be able to say those are my favorite without the wonderful platform that is youtube, which is like a wrestling fan’s candyland. You can literally find anything you want. You wanna watch some Attitude Era WWF, it has you covered. Wanna watch Mitsuharu Misawa & Kenta Kobashi take on Toshiaki Kawada & Akira Taue in what considered the greatest match in history got you covered. Wanna watch Ric Flair and the Four Horsemen run roughshod over the NWA in 1985, got you covered.

This nearly infinite library of wrestling allows me to be a wrestling fan without being a fan of the current fan and the infinity of the future always piques my interest. That is the ultimate beauty of wrestling it is just like a dream, no beginning, no ending. Here’s to fifteen more glorious years of wrestling fandom.