Family Feud: Jarrett Edition

So for most members of the mainstream world there is only one pro wrestling company: WWE. In reality there are many independent promotions sprawled across America. Bigger than these promotions because they are on national cable (Spike TV) and have monthly PPVs is Total Nonstop Action Wrestling (TNA, get it? O the hilarity). It was named by the same guy who thought Hugh G Rection was a good name for a wrestler. (Vince Russo for those wondering).

Usually I am busy on Thursday, but having taken a final this morning and not having another one until Monday. I figured enough about music. Let's sit back, watch some wrestling and write about it.

Already, a good decision because the hot blonde chick is in the front row. That is the first difference between WWE and TNA. WWE tours every week throughout the week. TNA films almost all TV from Universal Studios in Orlando, FL. Therefore there are regulars that attend every show. There is this one hot blonde chick and a wicked hot red-head that populate the front row frequently. My fiery red-head is not in attendance. They are clearly plants to get more males to attend the show, but I dont mind some eye-candy. It is way better than the guy with the dopey, vacuous countenance that me and my brother mock every time we watch the show together.

We kick off the show with a bang. The nefarious TNA World Heavyweight Champion Bobby Roode, the self-proclaimed "Leader of the Selfless Generation" (They dont make monikers like they used to) retained his title over "The Phenomenal" AJ Styles at the PPV by taking a draw. BOOOOOO! The stipulation (TNA likes stips) was the winner was who could accumulate the most decisions (pinfalls/submissions/DQ/countouts) in a 30 minute time span. This is dubbed an Ironman match. So at 3 falls apiece, Roode shrewdly ran out the clock knowing a draw would retain his title.

The booking was hotly debated this week. Many smarks (a portmanteau of smart and mark. A mark is a sap for falls for a con. Smart indicates we are wise to the business.) look down on TNA as bush-league bullshit with poor booking. I agree TNA has ADD booking, but it can be entertaining and exciting. It is a breath of fresh air from the safe, sterile booking of WWE. Many smarks hate inconclusive finishes especially to main events of PPVs, which is sensible you want to see a clean finish for something you pay for. This is Roode's first run with the title and he needs wins over credible babyfaces, but the draw does drag the program out in a clever fashion.

Styles is who I consider the best American wrestler in the world. He is a perfect blend of high-flying, good-psychology and excellent selling. He has the task of making Roode look like a star and nobody could be better for that.

A wonderfully spirited 5-minute match that blows most of WWE out of the water. The chain wrestling was fluid there was some illogical breaks, but it was never dull. Roodes continued the story of trying to milk the clock, which led to a cool spot where AJ cut Roode off at the pass with a bicycle kick from the floor. Apparently, Styles' leg was targeted at the PPV and he re-injured it on a springboard 450 splash. The clock ran out again only for the current Authority Figure of the Month Sting (a rightful knock on TNA is the revolving door of authority figures. I am sick of wrestling authority figures) to make it a fall to the finish.

Summarily, Roode chop-blocked the knee and slapped on a vicious-looking half-crab for the submission victory. They should have just done that on the PPV. Good booking just do it on the PPV. Since they did not bad booking.

Next segment is Mexican Heavyweight Hernandez teaming with a Welsh Bodyguard Robbie T. in a what the announcers tell me is a wildcard tag tourney (partners drawn at random). I didnt hear what the winner of this tourney gets and if this is the first round. I presume it is. SCOTTY STEINER~! (Fellow University of Michigan Alumni). He is tagging with fr-enemy, Abyss, who is deranged, sociopathic monster who wears a mask. Steiner and Abyss used to be on the same team, Immortal, but Abyss kept fucking shit up. So they gave him a hard time, but the big lug has feelings. Now I could have sworn Abyss already beat the shit out of Immortal, but Steiner seemed to convey there was just tension and there was still a chance to make amends.

The match was decent. Steiner snaps off a couple sweet suplexes. Abyss cleaned house. Then feigned attacking Steiner instead tagging him letting him get the pin. Oooooooo SWERVE~! So interested see where this goes next! NOT!!! NEXT!

Kurt Angle, a real Olympic Gold Medalist in wrestling at the 1996 Olympics, is pissed he jobbed to James Storm (Bobby Roode's former partner). So he is out to complain to Sting. Sting says it is time for both them to move on. So Angle threatens to break everyone's legs in Storm's hometown to get him into rematch. I guess that is logical. Extreme, but logical. Good, simple storyline. Angle feels like he is a bigger badass and wants to prove it.

Next up is the X-Division (high-flying crusierweights). Some jabroni, who gets a jobber entrance takes on a guy named Zema Ion. Spot-rest-spot match. The spots were pretty good. Ion was intended to be the star of the match. He pulled up the jobber twice when he had the pinfall in hand before getting a win with a 450 splash off the top. Pulling up a wrestler at a 2-count is usually a death knell. This sign of hubris is usually followed up by loss by the arrogant wrestler. By letting him win, they put over Ion nicely. He could be good, I am keeping my eye on him.

So "Nature Boy:" Ric Flair is in the back hyping everyone's favorite vanilla heel, Gunner. I dont get what they see in this guy. They gave him some big wins over Sting and AJ early then decided to he wasnt ready and he got lost in the shuffle. Then he picked on Eric Bischoff's kid, who is a ref. Bischoff is a wrestling executive, who is very controversial, who's claim to fame is he is the only promoter to topple WWF for a time with his WCW. Flair wants Gunner to take out Jesse Neal because I read the dirt sheets. I know Neal is on his way out because TNA wanted him to go to the minor leagues to refine his skills and he quit. Jesse, swallow your pride because with that mohawk no girl is going to.

Predictably, Gunner drops Neal on his head on exposed concrete. I would have given Gunner the win and then had him take him out. Whatever.

Jeff Hardy (drug-addict) defeated Jeff Jarrett (good Southern veteran). Per stipulation (told you they like stipulations), Sting has the ability to fire either Jarrett or his insufferable, but hot wife, Karen. At first when they are together they both offer to step down for each other. However, when Karen is alone with Sting she throws Jeff under bus and says her position as the head of women's wrestling makes her indispensable where Jeff is just a wrestler. Plus she needs Jeff to watch the kids. Actually some pretty entertaining shit.

Per virtue of winning, Jeff Hardy is the number one contender to Roode's world title. Hardy is now on his 1064th chance to make good with wrestling companies after screwing up his career countless times with drugs. His promo ability sucks, but I cant believe I am going to say this, but thank God here's Bully Ray. I have thought Bully Ray as a member of the Dudleys has been stale for years, but his re-invention of the tough-talking, but cowardly bully has been thoroughly entertaining. They set up the main event tonight and Bully reminds Hardy that after his drug issues earlier this year, Bully took his spot as leader of Immortal. Love the continuity.

So Mike Tenay tells me this tournament is for a tag title shot. What a crock of shit and lazy booking. Here's a clue build-up a few real teams. Samoa Joe, the biggest disappointment of wrestling, a heavyweight that moves likes a crusierweight with impactful moves of a Japanese wrestler is teaming up with a smooth-talking Brit, Brutus Magnus. Due to inconsistent booking, Joe has grown lazy, but in this match against Robbie E. and Douglas William (great a British technician) he showed flashes of why he used to be the biggest potential star. Joe and Brtutus picked up the win.

Jeff Jarrett with Sting and he figures it is a foregone conclusion his wife is going home. He asks Sting to let her down gently after all she wants to be home with the kids.  Best backstage segments of the night so far.

Eric Young is a rambling dope that is very hit and miss with me. He is teaming with ODB, a nasty, filthy woman not in a sexy way like Ke$ha in like a trailer trash way. EWWWY

Ok, remember how I was entertained about Bully Ray's reinvention, well his partner, Devon has nothing, but boring and he is dragging the biggest potential superstar in wrestling with him: Pope D'Angelo Dinero. Ok, not entirely his fault, TNA soured on the Pope at beginning of the year. I dont know why because he can talk like very few can. The angle here is take on the famous Raven-Sandman angle where Raven turned the Sandman's family against him. The angle finally culminated after months with the Pope claiming to have sexual relations with Devon's wife and then Devon's kids joined in a beatdown against their father. Good angle, I just wish someone besides Devon was in it.

Jeff and Karen re-convene and outright lie to each other. Karen sayin that Jeff is irreplaceable and she needs to be at home with the kids. While Jeff says that Karen is the true star and he should be at home with the kids. I am loving this.

Woman;s match between Madison Rayne and Traci Brooks. Neither wrestles well. Traci has the worst DD-boob. They are so oddly shaped. Madison is absolutely smoking and that is my analysis for this match. Lots of hair-pulling and choking and throaty screaming. Madison Rayne rocking booty shorts reminiscent of "Mr. Ass" Billy Gunn, NOT a turn-on.

So Sting turns Jarrett and Karen on each other by ACTUALLY using the film from the show. HOLY SHIT!!! You dont know how many backstabbings could have been prevented if wrestlers actually watched their own show. Jeff is pissed at "1000 Jeff Jarrett's" line and Karen gets bitchy at "Women dont belong in wrestling" line. So Sting gets tired of their incessant bickering and fires the both of them. I like Jarrett, but that was good television.

Main event time. This is starting at 10:58, not going to get much time. This was pretty much the same main event I saw at the TNA house show back in early November in Toldeo (which was the worst live show I have ever attended). Bully went right to the heat segment on Hardy, he sold for like two minutes. Then Hardy made his comback and won with a Twist of Fate. Roode was on commentary scouting Hardy. He charged the ring after to get an advantage on Hardy. This leads to a double-team and Roode introduces a table to the ring. This leads to Bully Ray putting Hardy through a table. Sting tries to make the save, but is double-teamed.

The show peaked at the beginning. The tag matches were silly and inconsequential. They finally moved the Pope story along, but I dont give a shit about Devon. Jeff and Karen were fun and entertaining, but it ruins the momentum of the women's division as Karen did not get her comeuppance at the hands of the babyface women. Hardy/Roode is as good as program. Hardy is one of their bigger stars and Roodes needs the wins. Decent show, just as good as an average RAW.

Nevermind the Nihilism: I Like The Sex Pistols

WARNING: Do not feed this ego.

Didnt your mommy tell you?

I have no feelings. No feelings. No feelings. NO FEELINGS! No feelings for anybody else. Except for myself. My beautiful self.

"No Feelings" by Sex Pistols was the one exception to my general loathing of Sex Pistols. Johnny Rotten's harsh vocal delivery, the clatter of music and just everything about Sid Vicious (the punk not the wrestler) all sent me running back to heavy metal. It was the nihilist attitude more than anything else that irked me. After all, as a person who seeks recognition and adulation for achievements with the childhood dream of being immortalized in "A History of the Modern World" by R.R. Palmer and Joel Colton, nihilism stands in stark opposition to who I am. 

For the record, the fact that the Sex Pistols were a meticulously, artificially produced brand of revolution never bothered me. People measure their words and put thought into their image. This whole corporate branding of rock revolution thing that Kurt Cobain peddled was petulant. Sex Pistols are the best boy band in the world and the joke is on you, Cobain. 

No Feelings was my anthem. The gutter-glam guitars, the energetic, quick burst of words that characterized the vocal delivery, the chants of No Feelings, it was like Chuck Berry and Sweet were dragged through the sewer and given a bad attitude. The song captures the essence of who I am. It is not that I am ice cold and have no feelings whatsoever. I just have "No Feelings" for anybody else, why would I? Just ask my family, I have been entertaining myself in my backyard with my fantasies since they can remember. Amusing myself with my own musings is my bidness and bidness is gooooooooooooooood.

Then a funny thing happened. I was watching the Carnival of Sins tour on TV with my brother. Motley Crue ended with an energetic number that I had heard before, but I couldnt place. I heard the huge chorus-call of "I WANNA BE ANARCHY!". I was like I remember hating this song, but this cover kicks ass.

Dont bother with the Megadeth version (way too tight), Motley Crue's version features bigger production and makes this an anthem for the ages while retaining the noisy, glammy sound. Motley Crue's early trademark was noisy, glam metal so they were the perfect to enhance this song.

I believe Vince Neil was born to do three things. Crash his car. Sing in Motley Crue. Sing Sweet, Cheap Trick and Sex Pistols covers. He is just really good at singing metal versions of the songs from those bands. His version of "No Feelings" rejuvenated my dormant love for that song. This provided the impetus for me to return to the seminal punk record, "Nevermind the Bollocks: It is the Sex Pistols"

I liked it. It was like when Mikey liked Life Cereal for the first time. I really liked it. 

Years of listening to horrible sleaze and thrash vocals have mellowed me on Johnny Rotten's vocals. I found myself really digging the polished noise-glam guitars from Steve Jones. "Holiday in the Sun" features a buzzsaw, glam punk riff reminiscent of the New York Dolls that complements Rotten's snark. The repeated chants of "Pretty" on "Pretty Vacant", "No Future" on "God Save The Queen" and "Problems" on "Problem" are great hooks. Steve Jones was too talented to be a punk guitarist and it is displayed all over this album. His main riff on Anarchy in the UK overshadows what should be the greatest chorus of all-time. Partly because of production values on the vocals on that song (they should have went with a gang-shout), but also because that simple, noise riff kicks so much ass.

The Sex Pistols musically were not a punk band. The Ramones were the sound of punk. The Clash was the intelligence and versatility of punk. Sex Pistols were a noisy glam rock band that did not play their instruments as well as the guys in David Bowie and Sweet. Sex Pistols were the attitude of punk. Attitude is more critical than music. 

The Sex Pistols never reached the level of savage chaos or the vicious snark of New York Dolls. For me, The Stooges' "Raw Power" is the soundtrack to ANARCHY! But that is ok because I dont like actual danger. I prefer the simulated stuff and Sex Pistols" "Nevermind the Bollocks" is a better record than "Raw Power", but not quite as good as the New York Dolls' eponymous debut.  All three are the standout albums of glam punk movement.

Now if you excuse me, I am going to take Dinah's pretty face to Hell with me. Hail Satan! Whoops, wrong genre. I mean, I WANNA BE ANARCHY!

The Brief Moment When Pro Wrestling Is Real

A Brief Retrospective on the Career of Eddie Guerrero


So earlier today I tweeted, "He was the wrestler that was never supposed to be, BUT true talent and hard work always break the glass ceiling. RIP EDDIE GUERRERO."  For non-fans of wrestling, I am of course raising all sorts of red flags. He does know it is fake? I appreciate the terms, "pre-determined" and "choreographed", nothing fake about injuries and the pain these men and women experience. Jeez, I always thought Martin was kinda smart guy maybe I need to re-evaluate? (You should re-evaluate that just because I like wrestling and I wear zebra-print on normal basis)  He does know that Eddie did not actually win anything? I would say to last statement, Eddie won the respect and admiration of millions of devoted followers and that is all that matters.

Such a happy camper

A common mis-conception about wrestling is that anybody can be champion. Yes, of course, the promoter (in the case of WWE, Vince McMahon) decides who will be his world heavyweight champion. However, just like in real life anybody could be the Vice-President of Marketing at Coca-Cola. It would behoove of  the CEO of Coca-Cola to pick the most qualified. Of course there are times where nepotism and cronyism rears its ugly head, but for the most part the most talented and hard-working individual will win the position. The same applies to pro wrestling and the position of being the world heavyweight champion. There is a reason  more people know who "Stone Cold" Steve Austin is than Bob "Hardcore" Holly, (whose name sounds kind of like a pornstar ). This is because Stone Cold  worked hard and had talent both in and out of the ring that made him resonate with millions of people. In short because he was entertaining at the mid-card level, the powers that be continued to push him to the main event level.  So Vince made the decision to make Austin world champion because he was the lucrative superstar meaning he drew people to the arenas, sold PPV's and moved massive amounts of merchandise.


The world champion tends to be the highest-drawing commodity in wrestling (as much as I hate to say it, that is why Cena is always hovering around the title) and has a certain credibility with the fans. If I trained to be a wrestler, there is no way I would win the world championship in my first match because I have no credibility with the fans and I wouldn't have any sustainable drawing power. It would be just like me becoming the CEO of Exxon-Mobil, tomorrow. Ok, Martin, so I understand now that winning the world championship is like a promotion on the corporate ladder and that hard-work and talent are important in pro wrestling, BUT how come Eddie Guerrero was the wrestler that was never supposed to be?

The Guerrero Family: Mando, Gory, Chavo Sr., Hector, Eddie (left to right)

Eddie was the youngest of the prolific Guererro family. Guerrero's were a Mexican family stationed in El Paso, their father was the famous luchador (a Mexican pro wrestler), Gory  Guerrero. However, like most luchadors and Mexican wrestlers the Guerrero's (Mando, Chavo Sr., and Hector) had a hard time breaking through in the United States. Eddie is the general consensus best wrestler of his brothers and also was the most charismatic of the Guerreros as his brothers were about as interesting as potted plants, was the one who rose to the top of the pro wrestling world because of his in-ring talent and charisma.

Eddie honed his craft in Mexico and Japan (assuming one of the prestigious gimmicks in Japan that of being Black Tiger, given to the best foreign junior heavyweight in New Japan Pro Wrestling) becoming one of the best pure wrestlers in world today. There is a difference between one of the greatest wrestlers in the world between the ropes and being the most popular and well-known. Hulk Hogan is arguably the most famous pro wrestler, but any real wrestling fan will tell you he sucks in the ring. It is just like the difference between Britney Spears and Rush. Rush are technically some of the best musicians out there, but they lack cross-over appeal. With Eddie, he was technically the superior wrestler, but his charisma had not been the afforded the opportunity to shine through. His biggest strike against him was that he is under six feet tall, which is the ultimate sin in wrestling in the early 90s. Men such as 7-Foot Giant Kevin Nash have critical of "undersized" wrestlers because he feels that the fan can not connect with their lack of size noting that their lack of visual impression does not leave an indelible mark on the fans. He has gone so far as to claim he was a "vanilla midget" at one point, which draws even my ire. There was nothing vanilla about Latino Heat. Even in the ring against opponents like Rey Mysterio Eddie used his body language to emote in fashions that very few can. Since Eddie did a frogsplash and had athletic matches he got characterized as some sort of spot monkey by these jealous main event acts like Nash. Nothing could be furthered from the truth as Eddie worked harder than most of his peers at developing matches with great move selection and building them to a satisfactory climax.

My favorite Eddie look (heel circa 1997). Best mullet EVAH~!

So Eddie made his way to Philadelphia to Extreme Championship Wrestling where his wrestling acumen was displayed against a fellow member of the Holy Trinity of Pro Wrestling, Dean Malenko. (The other member of this elite group was Chris Benoit, who before his heinous crimes was one of the most remarkably gifted pro wrestlers I have ever seen). The Holy Trinity were what hardcore fans considered the greatest wrestlers in the world today even though they were stuck toiling overseas or in the independents or eventually floundering in the mid-card of World Championship Wrestling (WCW). They ended up floundering because of the death-grip Hollywood Hogan, Kevin Nash, Roddy Piper and others had on the main event. Out of the gate they were treated as a special commodity with Benoit joining the Horsemen and Eddie & Dean winning the Crusierweight title and the US Heavyweight title. By 1999, it was painfully obvious that WCW was a sinking ship and that the mid-card was never going to get a chance to draw as main event acts.

One of their classic ECW encounters for the ECW World Television Title

Eddie arrived in WCW  as apart of their new talent initiative to differentiate themselves from rivals, WWF. He played  technically capable, second-generation, but vanilla babyface. He captured the second most-important title in WCW, but it didnt mean much as WCW did not seem intent in developing his character and letting him play with big boys like Hollywood Hogan, Randy Savage and Kevin Nash. Over the summer of 1997, he re-vamped his character into a brutal, sadistic heel that was hell-bent on ripping off the mask of little Rey Mysterio Jr. This is just when I was getting into wrestling and I thought this guy was a total smarmy prick and goddamnit did I want to see his ass beaten. One of my favorite memories from this time period, is when Eddie and fellow bad guy, Chris Jericho teamed in a match. The fans were red-hot with chants of "Eddie Sucks! Jericho Sucks!" and each of them would cover the other's ears so as not to let the fans get to them. This only made the fans chant louder. They were true geniuses, but I was too young to realize it. My parents on the other hand, who thankfully tolerate my wrestling obsession, became huge Jericho and Eddie fans I think at first to troll me, but to this day my parents only care about how Jericho is doing and both were devastated when Eddie passed away. They are the only two wrestlers I think they have ever become true fans of. Funny aside, the first time I purposefully swore, was to scream "Jericho Sucks!" and my mom was pissed. Now, Jericho is one of my five all-time favorite enternati, weird, huh, I was sooooooooo lame as a child. Now I am so cool liking pro wrestling properly and out-dated heavy metal. Coolest kid in the room right here.

I couldnt find my specific memory. This one is still special because Eddie is ostensibly the heel in this match and he still gets a pretty big hometown babyface pop. Huge Jericho sucks chants though.

In a testament to WCW's mismanagement, I dont remember much about Eddie's career after late 1997. I loved WCW, but how the fuck you dont push guys that are drawing that much heat in a throwaway tag match is beyond me. In a very generalized sense that is how it should work in wrestling, you develop a character in the mid-card and if it gets over with fans then you keep pushing them and see if their merchandise numbers and crowd response follow. Now it wasnt all WCW's fault, Eddie had some personal demons that related to alcohol and drug abuse, which resulted in a pretty horrific car accident that almost cost him his life nevermind his career. In 2000 with friends Benoit, Malenko and Saturn he abandoned the sinking ship known as WCW to depart for the WWF.

Benoit was clearly supposed to be the star of this foursome (he was the biggest of the four and most aggressive in the ring), but Eddie's out-sized charisma and heart could not be held down. His Latino Heat persona was hilarious and afforded the position of being an entertaining mid-card act. This all but flushed down the commode when drug abuse reared its ugly head and he was released and shipped off to rehab. In one of the few successful stories in wrestling, Eddie actually did get clean and returned to WWE in 2002. He won the Intercontinental title, the United States title and the World Tag Team championships with his nephew, Chavo Guerrero Jr.. He developed the mantra of "Lie, Cheat, Steal" and accentuated his Mexican hertiage with calls of "Viva La Raza" calling everyone, "Holmes, vato, or esse". Originally intended to be a heel character, the "Lie, Cheat, Steal" gimmick was so entertaining the fans turned Eddie Guerrero babyafce, which is truly something special in pro wrestling that does not happen often.

World Tag Team Champions: Los Guerreros

When I began watching again in 2003, I was over-joyed to see Shawn Michaels had returned and Jericho was in a prominent role, but my dad was happy to see Eddie back and being entertaining as ever. (I had stopped watching because of the badly bungled WCW invasion storyline of 2001.) My dad, deferring to me on wrestling-related matters, always wondered why Eddie was never given a consistent push to the main event scene. I would respond, "He's too small, Dad. Look at Brock, that's their money draw." My dad accepted this and just enjoyed watching Eddie performed. We NEVER expected that Eddie Guerrero would get the honor of being WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

Brock why did you ever leave us? Great heel work here!

Then in early 2004, something unexpected happened, Eddie was going to get a shot at the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in a PPV main event against burgeoning superstar, Brock Lesnar. This was Eddie's first PPV main event in his career and I immediately informed my dad and he was definitely ordering this one. I reminded him that Wrestlemania was next month and this was just a throw-away PPV. He was like yeah, Eddie probably won't win, but it was worth it to see him get his shot.

The match is truly one of the best matches I have ever seen and is a great showcase of both Brock's and Eddie's abilities as pro wrestlers and show-men. The false finishes to this match was so brilliantly executed and even had me a jaded wrestling fan biting on the possibility that wrestling darling, Eddie Guerrero could pull of the upset. However, with each Brock kick-out, I was waiting for inevitable Brock victory. Then the unexpected happened, Eddie Guerrero in true "Lie, Cheat, Steal" fashion, countered Brock's F-5 into a tornado DDT onto a title belt with the ref unconscious and hastily got rid of the evidence before covering Brock for the three-count and his first and only world championship. (Read that sentence again, that's why I love pro wrestling).

What followed is one of those brief moments when pro wrestling is so very real. It was the only time ever, my dad's excitement for wrestling matched my own as my entire family celebrated Eddie's success. The absolute and utter joy in Eddie's eyes and body language tell the entire story. He was truly happy. There was no faking this, those were incredibly real emotions displayed by him, his family, my family and fans in the arena and assuredly around the globe.. He leapt into the front row before even getting the belt to celebrate with the fans. He hugged his crying mother and his older brother. Every fan was on their feet, cheering on Eddie because for Eddie was the world champion that was never supposed to happen. He was supposed to be the entertaining mid-card act that supported the main event players. On this night, he broke through glass ceiling and proved talent and hard-work do matter. On this night, Eddie Guerrero was recognized as the best damn wrestler in the world and he deserved it.

End of the match, Look up the rest of match if interested. Includes celebration.

I along with my entire family got the opportunity to watch Eddie defend his championship against Rey Mysterio Jr. (a favorite of my mother's) in Boston and is one of my favorite memories. Along with watching Eddie face-off against Chris Benoit in 1998 for my first live wrestling show ever, I am so glad I was able to watch Eddie live and in vivid, technicolor before he passed.

He was so entertaining, he couldnt be a heel no matter how he tried.

The story does not have a happy end as Eddie passed away on this day in 2005. Eddie was clean when he died, but years of hard living, the constant punishment of wrestling and life on the road caught up to Eddie. I am still remember having to tell my family and the amount of devastation on their faces. It was just another moment when pro wrestling is all too real.

Pro wrestling is one of the weirdest entertainment media you will ever find. One part sport, one part broadway showmanship, one part slapstick comedy, one part morality play and all-around entertaining. However the weirdest part is the fact that you grow up with these men and watch their journeys every week so that you become attached to them. When they die it truly does hurt because you are so accustomed to seeing them every single week that they become apart of your daily life. I miss Eddie Guerrero and my thoughts and prayers go out to this family and friends.

One of the greatest all-around pro wrestlers in history.

Viva La Raza, Esse! RIP Eddie

#10 Twisted Sister - Stay Hungry: What Do You Wanna Do With Your Life

ROCKTOBERFEST: A Most Excellent Countdown of the 31 Most Bitchin Glam Metal Albums

#10 Twisted Sister– Stay Hungry (Released 1984 ) 3x Platinum #15 Billboard Albums

Dee Snider (Pink Caveman)– Vocals 

Eddie “Fingers” Ojeda (Red Caveman) – Lead & Rhythm Guitar

Jay Jay French (Yellow Caveman) – Rhythm & Lead Guitar 

Mark “The Animal” Mendoza (Green Caveman) - Bass

A.J. Pero (Blue Caveman) – Drums

What Do You Want To Do With Your Life? 

Everyone’s favorite rabble-rousers rise up to take #10 spot with their MONSTER album, Stay Hungry. Twisted Sister has a unique history in the place of glam metal. They are among the few bands that did not emanate from the Sunset Strip, in fact they were not even from the West Coast. They were from New York City, home of the CGGB, Mecca of Punk Rock and New Wave. This gave Twisted Sister a different perspective than most of the decadent glam bands. Their songs are less concerned with rampant sex and drug abuse (actually none of the songs on this album are about sex and drug abuse, how positively UN-GLAM). Rather, the songs are designed to promote individuality, self-confidence, fighting against the man, and striving to achieve your dreams. This is what makes it so absolutely ridiculous that Twisted Sister was the band with biggest target on its back courtesy of Tipper Gore and her PMRC. Out of all the glam bands, Twisted Sister’s messages are the most positive and most uplifting. Unfortunately, these Sick Motherfuckers were at the absolute peak of popularity at the inception of the PMRC and were the face of mainstream heavy metal. It just so happens, that Dee Snider is probably the most intelligent man in heavy metal and was up for the task of ripping the PMRC to shreds in a very logical fashion. One of my favorite highlights from the congressional session is when Dee remarks, “Mr. Gore, your wife made allegations that my song, Under The Blade, contains sadomasochistic themes. I have always believed that each person has the right to interpret the lyrics as they see fit. Well that particular song is about my guitarist’s tonsil operation. Maybe it your wife with a twisted, sick mind.” That is a SHUT-DOWN if I have ever heard one. Here’s the Dee discussing the whole ordeal:

So how about the music, well, on Wikipedia they have stated that Twisted Sister is “Sex Pistols meets Slade”. Which I disagree, vehemently, yes the punk influences exist on the lyrics, but this is a HEAVY METAL band. Twisted Sister is definitely one of the most metallic, heavy bands of the glam era and more closely related to Judas Priest than any of the other bands mentioned. Yes, the glam rock influences are seen in the image (though that is more of a result of shock rock than glam rock) and the anthemic nature of their songs. Dee Snider and his band live and breath heavy metal, but they come equipped with a sense of humor, which is why so many people miss out on one of the best METAL bands out there. Tracks like Burn In Hell, Stay Hungry, Under The Blade, You Cant Stop Rock N Roll are tremendous metal burners that are just as metal as anything Priest has ever produced. Hell there first two albums were disqualified for consideration because they are NOT glam metal albums, but HEAVY metal albums. Of course, Twisted Sister had the audacity to want to be rockstars and you know have fun, so they have been passed over by many modern metal fans as a poseur band. Twisted Sister is a very unique glam band that stuck more closely to lyrical themes you would find on a punk rock, Sabbath or Maiden album and much more metallic than the later glam bands. 

So Twisted Sister of course has two song that have transcended generations in the form of I Wanna Rock and We’re Not Gonna Take It. (One of my favorite Onion headlines read, "After 25 years, Twisted Sister has finally agreed to take it.") These are probably the two most famous glam metal songs of all time. These songs were apart of that original downloaded setlist from when I was a kid. I have enjoyed them immensely over the past 14 years. I Wanna Rock still makes me head-bang almost instantaneously and We’re Not Gonna Take It always rejuvenates me. The videos are absolute achievements of camp. The I Wanna Rock video features hilarious ways of torturing a teacher after humiliating a Sick Motherfucking Fan of Twisted Sister. However, I can see how these cheesy, outrageous visual productions turned the band into a joke that delved into self-parody. This is of course, something I struggle with everyday, how to be outrageous and cheesy, but still remain edgy and never fall into the dreaded state of self-parody. Trust me, edgy and cheesy is a tough combination to achieve, but I sure as hell think I do pretty damn good job. However, the Three Stooges routine by Twisted Sister may have made them a popular act, but it negatively impacted the band’s longevity. 

The next album sold very poorly due to this problem and directional issues. The band continued to want to be a metal band, but the record company sought for a more mainstream sound. Leading to the horribly misinterpreted, Be Chrool to Your Scuel, a duet with fellow shock rocker, Alice Cooper. This is not a very good song to begin with and the title is not exactly very conducive to being well-received by parents. The video was also banned from MTV due to some pretty graphic imagery. The band attempting to re-capture their lost bad-assery attempted to do a sort of campy zombie invasion of a school, which was not supposed to be taken seriously, but it also was not funny. I have no idea who the fuck it was intended to entertain. I mean I hear teenage boys are into gross shit, but this was just so over-the-top that it sucked the meat missile. Now more up my alley was their cover of The Shangri-Las’ “Leader of The Pack”, a girl-pop group from the mid-60’s. See I understand the humor of the tough biker gang doing a cover of this song because it emasculates band in an amusing way. My problem with this is that this brand of entertainment is lost on many mainstream Americans, which just sees it as a candy-ass song. This is an effective technique that many pro wrestling heels utilize in order to get heat from the crowd (heels are bad guys, heat is crowd reaction). Bret “The Hitman” Hart said he wore pink at the beginning of his career because it was the color that got the most heat. While I enjoy these juxtaposition of tough and glam, I realize I am quite unique because the outrageousness of glam metal and pro wrestling is lost on most people. So Dee, nice try, but this was just not a good choice.

So when did I start reviewing bad albums. The last two choice cuts will be Burn In Hell  and the title track. Short time schedule, so I am just going to write quickly on these two songs. I absolutely love the lyrics of Stay Hungry, not because they are sleazy or entertaining. It is because those lyrics best encapsulate my perspective on life. I believe that apathy and complacency are two greatest sins a human can commit. I said in the manifesto of this blog that I believe that self-improvement is the purpose of life. This song epitomizes that philosophy. Burn In Hell is my favorite Twisted Sister song. The chorus is catchy and the riff is a heavy, pulsating attack. Plus how can you be a heavy metal band without a song about hell or Satan. 

Dee Snider can still be heard on radio syndication, on House of Hair. The tagline is IF AINT METAL ISNT CRAP. One of my favorite gems on the show includes, “Welcome to my house, where all the dudes look like women”. Dee does a pretty good job mixing up glam metal, thrash metal (Megadeth and Metallica have been played) and traditional heavy metal (Priest, Maiden and Dio). I definitely recommend it and just like I recommend the whole album not just the two songs everyone knows. Here’s Street Justice another favorite off the album.            

#11 Faster Pussycat - Faster Pussycat P-P-P-Pusscyat, SHUT UP!

ROCKTOBERFEST: A Most Excellent Countdown of the 31 Most Bitchin Glam Metal Albums

#11 Faster Pussycat– Faster Pussycat (Released 1987) #97 Billboard Albums

Taime Downe (I bow before the size of your hair)– Vocals 

Greg Steele (The Wind Machine is My Best Friend) - Lead Guitar

Brent Muscat (Bitchin BANGS) – Rhythm Guitar 

Eric Stacy (Rock N Roll Pirate) - Bass

Mark Michals (Nice hat) – Drums

P-P-P-P-Pussycat, SHUT UP!

The album that kick-started the sleaze counter-revolution in 1987 comes straight from the gutter of Hollywood, CA. These rockstars only think with one of their heads if ya catch my drift. Their name si derive from one of the most famous pornographic films of all time, Faster Pussycat KILL! KILL!. They owned a rock n roll, dive bar called the Cathouse. Located on the infamous Sunset Boulevard, the Cathouse was glam haven for sex, drugs and rock n roll. They ever wrote a song about their establishment dubbing it the place, “Where pussy aint no feline”. Faster Pussycat was edgier and darker than Poison and Warrant, but still retained the hedonistic disposition that is characteristic of all glam bands. They come equipped with an incredibly obnoxious, almost jaded view of life on the streets. Lyrically, they are among the most abrasive smart-asses of glam metal, but yow know they are doing it with a wink and smile. Musically, I stated this before they are the perfect confluence of New York Dolls, Motley Crue and Aerosmith. This time, the Dolls are the influence that is emphasized, which makes for even a sleazier good time. Hip hop artists love to talk about swag nowadays, in my mind Faster Pussycat is the personification of swag. The following video from the well-know Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years illustrates the typical experience of an underground sleaze band in the late 80’s.     

Starting with band it has begun more difficult to whittle down the choice cuts of each album. However, as school-work has picked-up I don’t have the time to showcase each song. So I implore any glam-sleaze fan to pick up the next eleven albums because these are the most BITCHIN albums out there.  I will begin with the obnoxiously delicious, Babylon. The song opens with a high-pitched sneer of “p-p-p-p-pussycat” before huge drums kick off the song. The guitar fills between the lyrics are catchy noise-punk at its finest. The opening lyrics are truly wonderful “Livin’ in LA is so much a fun//Boy you is ugly//And your girlfriend weighs a ton” delivers with a vicious sneer. Another great lyric is “Shut your face//And Take off what you got under” The chorus is the entertaining “No we wont shut up//We are just babbling on and on//P-p-p-p-ussycat//SHUT UP!”. The song epitomizes the punk-y , wise-ass attitude of sleaze rock that is so delectable. 

The first single was Don’t Change That Song, a hot, sleazy party album that is like Aerosmith on crack-cocaine. The video is directed by Russ Meyers of Faster Pussycat KILL! KILL! Fame and God Bless his taste in women. Watch the video and you will see what I mean. The riff is just a great attack of power chords that make wanna great up and groove. I love the drums on this album tons of reverb that makes them feel like they fill the room. Even though it is a raw sleaze rock album, they had the acumen to produce a good-sounding album. The chorus is the immensely catchy gang-shout, “DON’T CHANGE THAT SONG!” This is my favorite Taime vocal performance is just drips with sleaze and sneer has that addictive swaager to it. The best lyric of the song is “I always have 12 inches of fun at my command”. WOOOOOO I love sleaze music. 

The next song is the incredibly bottom-heavy, Smash Alley. Taime sneers “My life is just one trick or treat” while the rest of the band shouts about “SMASH ALLEY!”. Smash Alley is a place for lipstick junkies and runaways, ya see, a fantasy land of sleaze. The harmonized guitar riff is a low-down, filthy exercise of rock n roll. The drums just pound with great fury as that bass-line is incredibly thick and full of attitude. Taime brings that urgency and hunger that can only be found from a underground band. When it is their debut album and they know this is their one chance to end the malaise of peanut butter sandwiches, sleeping in cars, second-hand smack and second-hand women. This is the stimulus that drives the whole album and is readily apparent on this song. 

Finally, is the biggest hit for this album, a great sleaze rocker, Bathroom Wall. The song is about finding a number on the bathroom wall and the excitement of what the number may hold. Taime’s hair is outta fuckin control. How outta control, here’s the Ultimate WOYAH~! to tell ya. If anyone can make the shirt that Taime is wearing in the video that much appreciated. What is missing is of course, where are the all the women? Brent is just not cutting it, dudes. Meyer must have cost a small fortune. Anyways, Taime’s abrasive sneer is still present, but the riff and chorus are so catchy that helped it cross-over to the mainstream. 

Faster Pussycat is my favorite sleaze band of all time. They are one of the bands that just get it. They never took themselves seriously. They were out there just having a good time and being assholes. I love them for it. Sadly, the Pussycat broke up after the grunge invasion destroyed the world’s biggest party. Taime retained the rights to the band’s name and took the band in an industrial metal direction. Then in a much similar situation to their sleaze brethren, Brent Muscat created a Faster Pussycat that held true to the sleazy rock n roll that Faster Pussycat played in the glory years. To wrap us up is the full version of Cathouse. I wanna go to the place where business is the pleasure.  

#12 Hanoi Rocks - Two Steps From the Move: The Best Band You’ve Never Heard Of

ROCKTOBERFEST: A Most Excellent Countdown of the 31 Most Bitchin Glam Metal Albums

#12 Hanoi Rocks– Two Steps From The Move (Released 1984) 

Michael Monroe (Godfather of Glam)– Vocals

Andy McCoy - Lead Guitar

Nasty Suicide – Rhythm Guitar 

Sami Yaffa - Bass

Razzle – Drums

The Best Band You’ve Never Heard Of

The biggest band that never was. The best band you’ve never heard of. The missing link between glam rock, punk and glam metal. They were friends with fellow glam rockers, Motley Crue. Michael Monroe inspired Sebastian Bach and Axl Rose. Axl has gone so far as to say “If there was no Hanoi Rocks, there would be no Guns N Roses”. This is not a glam metal, I know that. This is a glitter punk band, but they deserve respect for what they accomplished and have gone far too long without being noticed. Plus this album is wicked bitchin. Michael Monroe’s look inspired the hooker-look of the early 1980’s glam metal bands. The band was poised to finally make in big in the USA when tragedy struck in late 1984. Vince Neil, leader singer of Motley Crue, got into a car crash killing good friend, Razzle, drummer of Hanoi Rocks. This killed Hanoi Rocks momentum dead in the water and the band decided to break up in 1985. Axl Rose attempted to help his idol, Michael Monroe, by appearing in his music video for his solo band. The damage was done and Hanoi Rocks and Michael Monroe never achieved the success and fame they deserved based off the killer songs that they have crafted.  The Finnish five-piece rocked out 10 classic tracks and I hope I can do them justice with the following review.  

We begin with the sleazy, dark, edgy Underwater World which describes life on the streets of rock n roll. The chorus includes the phrase “Welcome to the Jungle” hmmmm where I have I heard that before. Axl has great taste in music. Monroe’s vocals are among the best punk vocals I have ever heard. He doesn’t have that reedy sneer that most glam artists have. Instead he has the deeper punk vocals that you would hear on a Clash album or even a New Wave album. It makes for a haunting affair on this one. Of course there is nothing punk about the brilliant solo played by McCoy on this track. Definitely give this song a spin, it will demonstrate that Monroe is not just another pretty face and Hanoi Rocks is one tough band.

Next up is the incredibly punky, but very fun, High School, which look any good punk song is all fast-paced rhythm with catchy vocals before breaking into gang-harmonized “High Schooooooooool”. A great lyric, “There will be no ugly girls in my high school” Amen, brutha, ugly people suck the meat missile. The best part about this being a glitter punk band is that the guitarists can actually play their instruments and so it is still a tight affair. This also means there is a guitar solo on every song and most are fun melodic bursts of energy.

Cutting Corners features a lyric that I just love, “I am look a mess, but I am dressed to get my way.” That is definitely one of my mantras. This is a fun, high-energy song with a great opening riff. The chorus is fuckin huge and definitely would make for a great party anthem in the 80’s.

The final song on the review is the second single off the album, Boulevard of Broken Dreams. This is an role-reversal of sorts. Instead of a woman being described as an addiction, his drug addiction is being described as a woman. I am a big fan of Michael’s outfit in this video and am thinking of getting me a similar cop hat for my attire. Sadly the song rings all too true as excessive partying and drug abuse killed Razzle and led to the broken dreams of the band.  Cant find the music video for this one or the song at all for that matter. Cryin Shame. So here is the cover of the CCR classic, Up Around the Bend, which was the first single off the album. 

Also, on this album is a surprisingly fun, upbeat cover of the CCR classic, Up Around the Bend, a couple good power ballads and the really unique, celtic punk pub soccer chant song, Boiler. I love the chorus on that. Hanoi Rocks is definitely a recommendation for any fan of punk rock, glam rock or Guns N Roses or early Motley Crue. To end this review I am ending with one of my favorite songs of all time, but unfortunately it was not on this album and I think it is one of the best songs ever written. This is Tragedy:

#13 Ratt - Invasion of Your Privacy Putting the METAL in Glam Metal

ROCKTOBERFEST: A Most Excellent Countdown of the 31 Most Bitchin Glam Metal Albums

#13 Ratt– Invasion of Your Privacy (Released 1985) 2x Platinum #3 Billboard Albums

Stephen Pearcy (Even 5-year old Stephen is a hornball)– Vocals 

Warren DeMartini (High Chief Shredder)– Lead & Rhythm Guitar

Robbin Crosby  (R.I.P. Big Guy) – Rhythm & Lead Guitar 

Juan Croucier (Big Time Sexy Bass) - Bass

Bobby Blotzer (Blondes Have More Fun) – Drums

Putting the METAL in Glam Metal 

 R.I.P. Robbin Crosby, Always Brought The Big Grooves

Ratt returns to this countdown at #13 with their sophomore album, Invasion of Your Privacy. At this point in their careers, the boys in Ratt are attempting to follow the smash hit, monster album, Out Of Cellar. Ratt, unlike their compatriots in Motley Crue, do not seek mess with success. Rather they follow the mantra of “If it aint broke don’t fix it” and while this would catch up with them on subsequent albums. Ratt still had a ton of hard-hitting, catchy riffs to supply themselves with another multi-platinum album and retain their position of as one of the premiere glam metal bands. However as the Second Wave began to swell Ratt had a very difficult time adapting successfully. During a tour with Poison in the late 80’s, Ratt fired Poison as the opening act because they were getting too over with crowds. However, once Ratt realized that Poison was the real draw for the concert they had to embarrassingly hire them back. This is an unfortunate story for my second favorite glam metal bands of all time, but it displays how complacency is a deadly sin to commit. Invasion of Your Privacy does not suffer from these problems as it is still fresh, energetic album. It does suffer from over-employment of clichéd lyrics, but It would not be Ratt without a whole song done in clichés see You Should Know By Now or the metal grinder What You Give Is What You Get.

That is where we will begin, What You Give Is What You Get. On a  semi-related note, I used this cliché to great effect one night at a party. So as me and this girl were parting ways, I asked if she liked ice cream (get your mind out of the gutter, I am talking about the food, brutha) and she responded is that you are not so subtle way of saying we should get ice cream. My retort was “What you see is what you get” and then I leaned in and whispered, “But what you don’t see is even better yet.” Now I ask, How am I still single??? Anyways onto the song, Pearcy croons very effectively on this heavy mid-tempo rocker while DeMartini wails over the rhythm section with great lead guitar effects. The rhythm section brings the tough sound that reminds everyone that Ratt puts the METAL in glam metal.

Next up is one of all-time favorite songs, You’re In Love. The riff in this song is so damn catchy. Even when I haven’t heard the song in weeks, I sometimes find myself mimicking the riff on the streets. It is just great staccato riffing at its finest, so metal yet so catchy. This riff definitely belongs in the Pantheon of Riffs along with Iron Man, Smoke On The Water, and Breaking The Law. The vocal melody is a great hook and I love singing the opening verse just randomly getting off the bus, in the shower, to random girls at parties, at the retirement home. It is always a big hit. Great story on this one is that I always thought chorus ended with “Because I am an ancient breed.” I was always like that is just fuckin weird. It turns out it is a classic case of #MisheardLyrics, “Because I aim to please”, but sure as hell sounds like the former. The solo kicks all ass as DeMartini ascends to his throne as top guitar shredder of glam metal. I think DeMartini could give Van Halen and Mathias Jabs of Scorpions a run for their money in terms of the greatest shredder of all time. He is definitely in my top three. You know what Ratt I am in love and it is with this fuckin band! RATT N ROLL 4 LIFE!!!!

So how do you top that high-energy metal, well you of course make the song, Lay It Down, which just kicks all sort of ass and is one of favorite songs of all time. That bass line is so fuckin grooving and just drips with sex. The guitar intro is just so freakin awesome and continues Ratt’s long tradition of being one of the best guitar-driven bands in the history of rock/metal. The chorus is instantly catchy “I know you really want to lay it down. LAY IT DOWN!” and the guitar work during the chorus just complements it all so well with that beautiful texture. DeMartini/Crosby feed off each other so well and the harmonies! All I can say is WOW! The solo is beautiful and renders me speechless everytime. Ratt is one of the best glam metal bands from the 1980’s and I wish they got more respect.

The final choice cut of this review is the very, very  metal Never Use Love. This riff would make Judas Priest fuckin jealous. That is how good this staccato riffing is. The solo continues the norm of the album of having tremendous solos. If you love guitar-work, then this band is for you. Ratt is one of the best riff-rock bands ever! Reviewing this album has just made me fall in love with this band all over again. Yet I have not even reviewed Out of the Cellar. I LOVE RATT N ROLL!!!