#OccupyMileHigh

What If The Best Man Didnt Win?

Over-exposed. Holier Than Thou. Squeaky Clean. The reasons commonly cited by the masses of American football fans that detest the newest, yet polarizing football SUPERSTAR, Tim Tebow. 

The two reasons I hate Tim Tebow

I am calling poppycock on this. Of course, those reasons feed into the general contempt football's fanbase has for Mr. Tebow, but the real reason people hate Tim Tebow is because they feel his success is undeserved. He was an option quarterback in college with unorthodox throwing mechanics and not to mention that ridiculously stupid-looking jump pass. Yet, Tebow stands tall as a starting professional quarterback with a 7-2 record. Toss in the fact that these victories have miraculous tinges to them only adds to his fluky character. Fans are pissed because it just does not seem fair that someone who clearly seems to suck out loud for three quarters has ended up with  a 7-2 record in the past nine games, which only Aaron Rodgers can claim to top in that time interval. He is like the inverse LeBron. 

This loathing sentiment of undeserved success can be applied to  Tebow's contemporaries such Eli Manning and Mark "Sanchise" Sanchez. Manning, who is not nearly as terrible as the other two from technical point of view, suffers from being the brother of the brilliant Peyton and the way he won the Super Bowl. However, the Sanchise is generally hated by every non-Jets fan. He is a pretty-boy, who is not very good at what he does but has led the Jets to two consecutive AFC Championship Games, not too shabby. Of course, couple Sanchez seemingly lucky ineptitude with the biggest blowhard in the game, Rex Ryan and you have a recipe for some serious heat coming your way. Sporting contests are the last bastions of fairness in a world seemingly polluted by corruption, nepotism and lethargy. However, now fans feel their cherished competitions are now being won by those who are no longer the best at their craft and that gets them fuckin hot under the collar. Which in turn makes them pay the big bucks and/or watch the games to seek out their comeuppance and watch them be ridiculed such as the following SNL skit mocking Tebow. This skit encapsulates this sense of undeserved success that so irks football fans.

The second biggest take home message from #OccupyWallStreet for me is that a significant segment of America's population wants fairness and they do not perceive the current system as fair. (The biggest take-home message is that none of these people have any clue how to remedy the situation and their only plan seems to be to annoy the fuck out of people.) They believe many of America's so-called "1%" did not earn their success therefore much like Mr. Tebow, it is undeserved. It bothers them that an undeserving few continue to lead lavish lifestyles, while proving to be incompetent, yet they toil in obscurity and squalor. People cite it is not what you know, but who you know. This fact people actually believe that demonstrates how extremely jaded and bitter people have become. Just as it bothers football fans across the country that Tebow holds the same record in the last 9 games as Tom Brady. Now a moment of silence for the legitimacy of professional football (I kid, I kid).

The general abhorrence for Tebow and his ilk stems from the same general sentiments that guide the #OccupyWallStreet movement and it has led to football's biggest storyline of the year. Just as this year was dominated by Arab Spring and #OccupyWallStreet, football has become about the unexpected success of Tebow. It even overshadowed the defending Super Bowl Champions Packers' quest for perfection. With each victory, the press coverage grew and like a horrible positive feedback loop it just fed into more and more into the hatred for Tim Tebow. Couple this with his highly-publicized faith (Jesus Christ is like Tebow's Rex Ryan. Coincidentally, I am a big fan of both and they both like to wash feet, weird.) and Tebow is a white-hot, polarizing commodity. Tangentially, given his faith, how the fuck did this not go viral?

While it does not make for excellent football, it makes for excellent TV. Tebow did what, Rodgers could not, what Brady could not and what even the hilarious hysterics of Rex Ryan could not, he hooked me into watching a professional football game this season. I found my own trolling amusing, but it cost me $50 bucks, damn you Tebow. 

Of course the NFL machine is doing just fine without casual fans like me, but they know for the playoffs and the Super Bowl they want BIG storylines and nothing is hotter than Tebow now. I, for one, do not want to see Tebow in there, but I do want one big playoff match just to watch every football fan squirm at the possibility of Mr. Undeserving possibly winning. They will tune in because they want to see Tebow put in his place. I have spent way too much time on this as is but I would be SHOCKED if Tebow's games were not the top 3 highest rated games each week. 

Because it is everyone's worst fear in sports, what if the best man doesnt win? Personally I dont give a fuck, I believe like Tebow, Sanchez and Eli do in the mantra of Al Davis:

LA Raiders now they were fuckin cool.

Just win, baby, win. 

Family Feud: Jarrett Edition

So for most members of the mainstream world there is only one pro wrestling company: WWE. In reality there are many independent promotions sprawled across America. Bigger than these promotions because they are on national cable (Spike TV) and have monthly PPVs is Total Nonstop Action Wrestling (TNA, get it? O the hilarity). It was named by the same guy who thought Hugh G Rection was a good name for a wrestler. (Vince Russo for those wondering).

Usually I am busy on Thursday, but having taken a final this morning and not having another one until Monday. I figured enough about music. Let's sit back, watch some wrestling and write about it.

Already, a good decision because the hot blonde chick is in the front row. That is the first difference between WWE and TNA. WWE tours every week throughout the week. TNA films almost all TV from Universal Studios in Orlando, FL. Therefore there are regulars that attend every show. There is this one hot blonde chick and a wicked hot red-head that populate the front row frequently. My fiery red-head is not in attendance. They are clearly plants to get more males to attend the show, but I dont mind some eye-candy. It is way better than the guy with the dopey, vacuous countenance that me and my brother mock every time we watch the show together.

We kick off the show with a bang. The nefarious TNA World Heavyweight Champion Bobby Roode, the self-proclaimed "Leader of the Selfless Generation" (They dont make monikers like they used to) retained his title over "The Phenomenal" AJ Styles at the PPV by taking a draw. BOOOOOO! The stipulation (TNA likes stips) was the winner was who could accumulate the most decisions (pinfalls/submissions/DQ/countouts) in a 30 minute time span. This is dubbed an Ironman match. So at 3 falls apiece, Roode shrewdly ran out the clock knowing a draw would retain his title.

The booking was hotly debated this week. Many smarks (a portmanteau of smart and mark. A mark is a sap for falls for a con. Smart indicates we are wise to the business.) look down on TNA as bush-league bullshit with poor booking. I agree TNA has ADD booking, but it can be entertaining and exciting. It is a breath of fresh air from the safe, sterile booking of WWE. Many smarks hate inconclusive finishes especially to main events of PPVs, which is sensible you want to see a clean finish for something you pay for. This is Roode's first run with the title and he needs wins over credible babyfaces, but the draw does drag the program out in a clever fashion.

Styles is who I consider the best American wrestler in the world. He is a perfect blend of high-flying, good-psychology and excellent selling. He has the task of making Roode look like a star and nobody could be better for that.

A wonderfully spirited 5-minute match that blows most of WWE out of the water. The chain wrestling was fluid there was some illogical breaks, but it was never dull. Roodes continued the story of trying to milk the clock, which led to a cool spot where AJ cut Roode off at the pass with a bicycle kick from the floor. Apparently, Styles' leg was targeted at the PPV and he re-injured it on a springboard 450 splash. The clock ran out again only for the current Authority Figure of the Month Sting (a rightful knock on TNA is the revolving door of authority figures. I am sick of wrestling authority figures) to make it a fall to the finish.

Summarily, Roode chop-blocked the knee and slapped on a vicious-looking half-crab for the submission victory. They should have just done that on the PPV. Good booking just do it on the PPV. Since they did not bad booking.

Next segment is Mexican Heavyweight Hernandez teaming with a Welsh Bodyguard Robbie T. in a what the announcers tell me is a wildcard tag tourney (partners drawn at random). I didnt hear what the winner of this tourney gets and if this is the first round. I presume it is. SCOTTY STEINER~! (Fellow University of Michigan Alumni). He is tagging with fr-enemy, Abyss, who is deranged, sociopathic monster who wears a mask. Steiner and Abyss used to be on the same team, Immortal, but Abyss kept fucking shit up. So they gave him a hard time, but the big lug has feelings. Now I could have sworn Abyss already beat the shit out of Immortal, but Steiner seemed to convey there was just tension and there was still a chance to make amends.

The match was decent. Steiner snaps off a couple sweet suplexes. Abyss cleaned house. Then feigned attacking Steiner instead tagging him letting him get the pin. Oooooooo SWERVE~! So interested see where this goes next! NOT!!! NEXT!

Kurt Angle, a real Olympic Gold Medalist in wrestling at the 1996 Olympics, is pissed he jobbed to James Storm (Bobby Roode's former partner). So he is out to complain to Sting. Sting says it is time for both them to move on. So Angle threatens to break everyone's legs in Storm's hometown to get him into rematch. I guess that is logical. Extreme, but logical. Good, simple storyline. Angle feels like he is a bigger badass and wants to prove it.

Next up is the X-Division (high-flying crusierweights). Some jabroni, who gets a jobber entrance takes on a guy named Zema Ion. Spot-rest-spot match. The spots were pretty good. Ion was intended to be the star of the match. He pulled up the jobber twice when he had the pinfall in hand before getting a win with a 450 splash off the top. Pulling up a wrestler at a 2-count is usually a death knell. This sign of hubris is usually followed up by loss by the arrogant wrestler. By letting him win, they put over Ion nicely. He could be good, I am keeping my eye on him.

So "Nature Boy:" Ric Flair is in the back hyping everyone's favorite vanilla heel, Gunner. I dont get what they see in this guy. They gave him some big wins over Sting and AJ early then decided to he wasnt ready and he got lost in the shuffle. Then he picked on Eric Bischoff's kid, who is a ref. Bischoff is a wrestling executive, who is very controversial, who's claim to fame is he is the only promoter to topple WWF for a time with his WCW. Flair wants Gunner to take out Jesse Neal because I read the dirt sheets. I know Neal is on his way out because TNA wanted him to go to the minor leagues to refine his skills and he quit. Jesse, swallow your pride because with that mohawk no girl is going to.

Predictably, Gunner drops Neal on his head on exposed concrete. I would have given Gunner the win and then had him take him out. Whatever.

Jeff Hardy (drug-addict) defeated Jeff Jarrett (good Southern veteran). Per stipulation (told you they like stipulations), Sting has the ability to fire either Jarrett or his insufferable, but hot wife, Karen. At first when they are together they both offer to step down for each other. However, when Karen is alone with Sting she throws Jeff under bus and says her position as the head of women's wrestling makes her indispensable where Jeff is just a wrestler. Plus she needs Jeff to watch the kids. Actually some pretty entertaining shit.

Per virtue of winning, Jeff Hardy is the number one contender to Roode's world title. Hardy is now on his 1064th chance to make good with wrestling companies after screwing up his career countless times with drugs. His promo ability sucks, but I cant believe I am going to say this, but thank God here's Bully Ray. I have thought Bully Ray as a member of the Dudleys has been stale for years, but his re-invention of the tough-talking, but cowardly bully has been thoroughly entertaining. They set up the main event tonight and Bully reminds Hardy that after his drug issues earlier this year, Bully took his spot as leader of Immortal. Love the continuity.

So Mike Tenay tells me this tournament is for a tag title shot. What a crock of shit and lazy booking. Here's a clue build-up a few real teams. Samoa Joe, the biggest disappointment of wrestling, a heavyweight that moves likes a crusierweight with impactful moves of a Japanese wrestler is teaming up with a smooth-talking Brit, Brutus Magnus. Due to inconsistent booking, Joe has grown lazy, but in this match against Robbie E. and Douglas William (great a British technician) he showed flashes of why he used to be the biggest potential star. Joe and Brtutus picked up the win.

Jeff Jarrett with Sting and he figures it is a foregone conclusion his wife is going home. He asks Sting to let her down gently after all she wants to be home with the kids.  Best backstage segments of the night so far.

Eric Young is a rambling dope that is very hit and miss with me. He is teaming with ODB, a nasty, filthy woman not in a sexy way like Ke$ha in like a trailer trash way. EWWWY

Ok, remember how I was entertained about Bully Ray's reinvention, well his partner, Devon has nothing, but boring and he is dragging the biggest potential superstar in wrestling with him: Pope D'Angelo Dinero. Ok, not entirely his fault, TNA soured on the Pope at beginning of the year. I dont know why because he can talk like very few can. The angle here is take on the famous Raven-Sandman angle where Raven turned the Sandman's family against him. The angle finally culminated after months with the Pope claiming to have sexual relations with Devon's wife and then Devon's kids joined in a beatdown against their father. Good angle, I just wish someone besides Devon was in it.

Jeff and Karen re-convene and outright lie to each other. Karen sayin that Jeff is irreplaceable and she needs to be at home with the kids. While Jeff says that Karen is the true star and he should be at home with the kids. I am loving this.

Woman;s match between Madison Rayne and Traci Brooks. Neither wrestles well. Traci has the worst DD-boob. They are so oddly shaped. Madison is absolutely smoking and that is my analysis for this match. Lots of hair-pulling and choking and throaty screaming. Madison Rayne rocking booty shorts reminiscent of "Mr. Ass" Billy Gunn, NOT a turn-on.

So Sting turns Jarrett and Karen on each other by ACTUALLY using the film from the show. HOLY SHIT!!! You dont know how many backstabbings could have been prevented if wrestlers actually watched their own show. Jeff is pissed at "1000 Jeff Jarrett's" line and Karen gets bitchy at "Women dont belong in wrestling" line. So Sting gets tired of their incessant bickering and fires the both of them. I like Jarrett, but that was good television.

Main event time. This is starting at 10:58, not going to get much time. This was pretty much the same main event I saw at the TNA house show back in early November in Toldeo (which was the worst live show I have ever attended). Bully went right to the heat segment on Hardy, he sold for like two minutes. Then Hardy made his comback and won with a Twist of Fate. Roode was on commentary scouting Hardy. He charged the ring after to get an advantage on Hardy. This leads to a double-team and Roode introduces a table to the ring. This leads to Bully Ray putting Hardy through a table. Sting tries to make the save, but is double-teamed.

The show peaked at the beginning. The tag matches were silly and inconsequential. They finally moved the Pope story along, but I dont give a shit about Devon. Jeff and Karen were fun and entertaining, but it ruins the momentum of the women's division as Karen did not get her comeuppance at the hands of the babyface women. Hardy/Roode is as good as program. Hardy is one of their bigger stars and Roodes needs the wins. Decent show, just as good as an average RAW.

URGENT!

Hey yo my fellow Children of the Beast,

So Chief Explorer Rick “Have Fun” Snyder’s twitter handle is @onetoughnerd. I am glad even General Studies majors nature are reveling in nerd culture. Governor Snyder is clearly just living up to what he exhorted all Michigan graduates to do: “be proud of your size”. (True to form this one tough nerd, had no idea why everyone in the audience was snickering when he said that direct quote not once but twice.)

Caution: If it is a fake account it is bereft of any humor and seems to serve as dissemination aid about Snyder’s achievements and whereabouts.  

If I remember one other thing from that ennui-inducing speech is that Rick Snyder strove to have fuckin fun in every venture he undertook. Whether it was being a bidnessman, a hubby, a daddy, an explorer of American culture or the Governor of Michigan he was going to have some GODDAMN fun along the way. Taking a page of the good governor’s book, I had me some fun these past days while grading and studying for exams by listening to a ton of music. 

What I love about albums from the 70’s and 80’s is that the albums are just 35-45 minutes. Every single minute of the album matters and is a consequential part of the album’s success. The one word I would use to describe these albums is “Urgent”. I think that is what music is missing nowadays with these hour long albums chocked with filler. Of course there are some exceptions, but everything sounds diluted because of the saturation. When you listen to bands from the early era whether it was punk or metal, there was a urgency to their music that hooked the listener with the feeling “this music needed to be heard now”. 

So here are some short reviews of some of the best albums I listened to over the past week.

70’s Hard Rock/Power Pop/Punkish

Heaven Tonight – Cheap Trick: Dark humor, fast rock n roll riffs with huge melodic choruses and harmonized back-up vocals. They play fast and loose like a punk band, but their sense of melody never lets the slip into a cacophony. Zander is too pretty in looks and sound to be a herald of anarchy. He sounds great singing catchy, hooky songs that are deeper than they appear. Their dark/strange humor explored on mega-hit, Surrender, Auf Wiedershen, and Stiff Competition. “California Man” is a kick-ass cover that is a great party song.  The eerie moody piece “Heaven Tonight” displays Cheap Trick’s darkest sides. The guitar work from Nielsen is chock full of riffs anchored by a rhythm section that sounds urgent. They need to get this album out and feels hungry. Cheap Trick would finally breakthrough in February 1979 with the live album, At Budokan like so many contemporaneous bands.

Thrash/Speed Metal

Kill ‘Em All – Metallica. I had always avoided Metallica’s first release because I don’t care for music with poor production values. However, I have mellowed on this stance. I had always loved the song, “Seek And Destroy”, with a great hook in that bridging riff. I first listened to the whole album a couple months ago and liked it. I added “Four Horsemen” and “No Remorse” to the rotation. It took this past spin for me to really realize how much of a tour de force this album is. I don’t how much of this is my own mellowing, but the album is well-produced and affords them the raw sound they were aspiring to. Unlike Megadeth’s dreadfully produced “Killing is My Business…And Business Is Good”, where only the title track is salvageable. “Whiplash” is incredibly cheesy without a hint of irony, but incredibly endearing because the lyrics describes exactly what I do when I hear the song “You’re thrashing all around. Acting like a maniac” (short Bass interlude) “WHIPLASH” COMMENCE HEAD-BANGING!

Beyond Magnetic –Metallica.  From Metallica’s first offering to their latest, this is an EP of the songs that didn’t make the cut from the enjoyable Death Magnetic.  A lot of fans are viewing this as a make-good for the atrocity known as Loutallica (Lou Reed & Metallica’s collaboration album, Lulu, good joke from my brother “Lulu sells…But Who’s Buying?”). The official reasoning is this is conjunction with Metallica’s star-studded 30^th Birthday celebration(Four days of kick-ass metal!). Anyways, there is a reason these songs didn’t make the album. They didn’t fit the mold of the renewed thrash effort that Death Magnetic represented and fit their 90’s catalog better. They are decent songs. I will give them one more shot, but I am not expecting much. I am a sucker for songs with “Train” in the title because it almost guarantees a sweet, chugging rhythm section. “Hate Train” was indeed my favorite of the four. Why does Lars’ drum sound on every album besides Ride The Lightning  and the Black Album absolutely suck? Yeah I love Master a lot, but the one thing that bothered me was Lars’ goddamn hollow drum sound. 

Thirteen – Megadeth. Ellefson is back and this album kicks ass. Merging the speed rhythm beds from Endgame and Rust in Peace with the melodic nature of Countdown to Extinction, this album boasts Mega-Dave’s most complete offering of rifftastic heavy metal since Countdown.  Endgame was the better thrash album and Youthansia was the better melodic album. This one is a more complete take on Megadeth’s two styles while being so totally Dave. The first single, “Public Enemy No. 1” features a galloping NWOBHM riff paired with Dave’s signature sneer and had me salivating for the rest of the album. “Whose Life is This Anyway?” and “Never Dead” are the thrashy songs of collection with double-bass attacks and heavy riffs.  “Black Swan” comes in as a speeding, yet melodically dark song about a shade haunting Mustaine.  “Sudden Death” is a great slab of metal that best highlight the killer solos this album offer. If you love riff-heavy music with bitchin’ flashy, speedy solos then pick up this burner. 

70’s Punk

Nevermind the Bollocks…It’s The Sex Pistols I first listened to this album at the beginning of college and threw in the discard heap due to the snarky, nihilist message, Rotten’s vocals, and its tinniest sound. However, after loving the Crue’s cover of the punk anthem “Anarchy in the UK” and most recently Vince Neil covering my favorite Pistols’ song “No Feelings”, an anthem for extreme self-lovers like myself. I went back and heard a totally different album. After listening to the Dolls, Stooges and Bowie, you can hear how talented Jones is. Matlock and him totally hold this Ode to Chaos with great glam-noise riffs. I derive more pleasure from Rotten’s urgent delivery that is filled with the sneer of sleaze rock. I still think “Anarchy in the UK” sounds tinny and could have used the wall of guitar sound that “Holiday in the Sun” and “No Feelings” benefit from.  The glammy gang-shouts of “No Future”, “Problem” and “So pretty” lend the album a catchy feeling that created a cult following.

Sleaze Metal/Rock

Tattooed-Beat Messiah –Zodiac Mindwarp & the Love Reaction. My new favorite album, it is like someone said let’s make an album where every song features everything Martin Fuckin Cuddy loves about hard rock and heavy metal. Absurdly sexual lyrics “Your lipstick flickers on my lightning rod” Check. Wonderfully sleazy sneer soaked in motor oil with a smart-ass strut. Check. Pseudo-Messianic Complex. Check. All choruses being mult-tracked lending to a huge sound. Check. Gang-shouts. Check. Fast, noisy, glammy riffs. Check. Bitchin, flashy solos. Check. Drums with gigantic reverb. Check. Big, clear bass to fill in. Check. Zodiac Mindwarp is right up there with Faster Pussycat and Vain as the best sleaze band of all time. “Prime Mover” is KISS on steroids. “Planet Girl” is Marc Boaln & T-Rex if they were a glam metal band. “Tattoo-Beat Messiah” is a sleazy, gutter anthem. “Backseat Education” fucking kicks so much ass, I don’t want to review it just go listen!

I know I still owe the top nine most BITCHIN glam metal albums of all time. I pinky swear I will finish them over break.

Until then “Horizontal Hold//Get YOUR LEGS IN THE AIR!!!”  

    

Nevermind the Nihilism: I Like The Sex Pistols

WARNING: Do not feed this ego.

Didnt your mommy tell you?

I have no feelings. No feelings. No feelings. NO FEELINGS! No feelings for anybody else. Except for myself. My beautiful self.

"No Feelings" by Sex Pistols was the one exception to my general loathing of Sex Pistols. Johnny Rotten's harsh vocal delivery, the clatter of music and just everything about Sid Vicious (the punk not the wrestler) all sent me running back to heavy metal. It was the nihilist attitude more than anything else that irked me. After all, as a person who seeks recognition and adulation for achievements with the childhood dream of being immortalized in "A History of the Modern World" by R.R. Palmer and Joel Colton, nihilism stands in stark opposition to who I am. 

For the record, the fact that the Sex Pistols were a meticulously, artificially produced brand of revolution never bothered me. People measure their words and put thought into their image. This whole corporate branding of rock revolution thing that Kurt Cobain peddled was petulant. Sex Pistols are the best boy band in the world and the joke is on you, Cobain. 

No Feelings was my anthem. The gutter-glam guitars, the energetic, quick burst of words that characterized the vocal delivery, the chants of No Feelings, it was like Chuck Berry and Sweet were dragged through the sewer and given a bad attitude. The song captures the essence of who I am. It is not that I am ice cold and have no feelings whatsoever. I just have "No Feelings" for anybody else, why would I? Just ask my family, I have been entertaining myself in my backyard with my fantasies since they can remember. Amusing myself with my own musings is my bidness and bidness is gooooooooooooooood.

Then a funny thing happened. I was watching the Carnival of Sins tour on TV with my brother. Motley Crue ended with an energetic number that I had heard before, but I couldnt place. I heard the huge chorus-call of "I WANNA BE ANARCHY!". I was like I remember hating this song, but this cover kicks ass.

Dont bother with the Megadeth version (way too tight), Motley Crue's version features bigger production and makes this an anthem for the ages while retaining the noisy, glammy sound. Motley Crue's early trademark was noisy, glam metal so they were the perfect to enhance this song.

I believe Vince Neil was born to do three things. Crash his car. Sing in Motley Crue. Sing Sweet, Cheap Trick and Sex Pistols covers. He is just really good at singing metal versions of the songs from those bands. His version of "No Feelings" rejuvenated my dormant love for that song. This provided the impetus for me to return to the seminal punk record, "Nevermind the Bollocks: It is the Sex Pistols"

I liked it. It was like when Mikey liked Life Cereal for the first time. I really liked it. 

Years of listening to horrible sleaze and thrash vocals have mellowed me on Johnny Rotten's vocals. I found myself really digging the polished noise-glam guitars from Steve Jones. "Holiday in the Sun" features a buzzsaw, glam punk riff reminiscent of the New York Dolls that complements Rotten's snark. The repeated chants of "Pretty" on "Pretty Vacant", "No Future" on "God Save The Queen" and "Problems" on "Problem" are great hooks. Steve Jones was too talented to be a punk guitarist and it is displayed all over this album. His main riff on Anarchy in the UK overshadows what should be the greatest chorus of all-time. Partly because of production values on the vocals on that song (they should have went with a gang-shout), but also because that simple, noise riff kicks so much ass.

The Sex Pistols musically were not a punk band. The Ramones were the sound of punk. The Clash was the intelligence and versatility of punk. Sex Pistols were a noisy glam rock band that did not play their instruments as well as the guys in David Bowie and Sweet. Sex Pistols were the attitude of punk. Attitude is more critical than music. 

The Sex Pistols never reached the level of savage chaos or the vicious snark of New York Dolls. For me, The Stooges' "Raw Power" is the soundtrack to ANARCHY! But that is ok because I dont like actual danger. I prefer the simulated stuff and Sex Pistols" "Nevermind the Bollocks" is a better record than "Raw Power", but not quite as good as the New York Dolls' eponymous debut.  All three are the standout albums of glam punk movement.

Now if you excuse me, I am going to take Dinah's pretty face to Hell with me. Hail Satan! Whoops, wrong genre. I mean, I WANNA BE ANARCHY!

I miss Charlie Sheen

What's edgy?

Tim Tebow. Yep.

LeBron James and the Bad Guys of South Beach need to return now.


My brother incessantly pushes Tebow down my throat. He is a Gators fan. But, Martin you and your family are from Boston. Little known fact amongst my Michigan friends, I have been a huge Michigan fan since 1997. I have always liked teams that win me money. I won $10 on their Rose Bowl victory over Ryan Leaf and Wazzu, I was like 8 years old. Though it was the first and only time I have won squares, won the first quarter. Anyways, point is I liked Michigan since I was a kid and my brother likes Florida. My brother has better taste.

I was thinking of troll-liking Tebow, but Rex Ryan beckons to times of yore when decorum was checked at the door (Edgar Allan Poe, I got you in my cross-hairs) and Rob Ryan has BITCHIN hair. But I cant even bring myself to perform that troll. It lies somewhere between pronouncing your love for dubstep (the ultimate troll) and making other people watch the Food Network with you (wait, they are not trolling me, I still dont think I fully understand this trolling thing).

Callin Bullshit. "Nature Boy" Ric Flair's shoes cost more than your house. Killer Mike knows what is up.

O yeah, that incredibly distasteful Rick Perry video is pretty controversial. It is not really unexpected, his base cheered the killing of hundreds on death row (bit biased I am arch pro-life and yes that means anti-death penalty) and booed an American solider who served in Iraq because he was gay. These GOP conventions have me questioning whether I should bother saving this world.

This is not a political blog. However, I love a good troll and some satire. So as sure as "Tebow is the Win made flesh" (all credit goes to Luke Mullan on that gem), the mock videos hit the web. The first and most prominently displayed on my friend's newsfeed follows:

That is a steaming pile of shit. Seriously THAT is the best they got. Ooooooo they called out the power of prayer and mocked God. It is 2011, bro, you seriously need to update your material. You have to go after the artificial, contrived nature of the video. He reacted to a generalized situation with generalizations. The best trolls happen as a function of the situation. If it was not for the jacket and the presentation, that could just be some pencil-neck geek doing a hack-job on a George Carlin bit. Thank God for Stephen Colbert.

Now unsurprisingly, this video is a big hit. Sadly, I think this is just representative of a culture that is complacent with the mediocre and the cookie-cutter. The content of this video spewed every trite barb in the book and thus presented the bare minimum. Of course, if they did something edgy they risked alienating the some people. I mean this is a relative slam dunk. So why fuck it up? Because the one-handed windmill looks so much cooler than the safe two-handed dunk.Well color me unimpressed.

Mick Mars once answered "Clear" to question of what his favorite color is. Colo me impressed.

I still need the appeal of the Food Network explained to me. While you are at it can you explain Lil Wayne to me?

I miss Charlie Sheen.

The Brief Moment When Pro Wrestling Is Real

A Brief Retrospective on the Career of Eddie Guerrero


So earlier today I tweeted, "He was the wrestler that was never supposed to be, BUT true talent and hard work always break the glass ceiling. RIP EDDIE GUERRERO."  For non-fans of wrestling, I am of course raising all sorts of red flags. He does know it is fake? I appreciate the terms, "pre-determined" and "choreographed", nothing fake about injuries and the pain these men and women experience. Jeez, I always thought Martin was kinda smart guy maybe I need to re-evaluate? (You should re-evaluate that just because I like wrestling and I wear zebra-print on normal basis)  He does know that Eddie did not actually win anything? I would say to last statement, Eddie won the respect and admiration of millions of devoted followers and that is all that matters.

Such a happy camper

A common mis-conception about wrestling is that anybody can be champion. Yes, of course, the promoter (in the case of WWE, Vince McMahon) decides who will be his world heavyweight champion. However, just like in real life anybody could be the Vice-President of Marketing at Coca-Cola. It would behoove of  the CEO of Coca-Cola to pick the most qualified. Of course there are times where nepotism and cronyism rears its ugly head, but for the most part the most talented and hard-working individual will win the position. The same applies to pro wrestling and the position of being the world heavyweight champion. There is a reason  more people know who "Stone Cold" Steve Austin is than Bob "Hardcore" Holly, (whose name sounds kind of like a pornstar ). This is because Stone Cold  worked hard and had talent both in and out of the ring that made him resonate with millions of people. In short because he was entertaining at the mid-card level, the powers that be continued to push him to the main event level.  So Vince made the decision to make Austin world champion because he was the lucrative superstar meaning he drew people to the arenas, sold PPV's and moved massive amounts of merchandise.


The world champion tends to be the highest-drawing commodity in wrestling (as much as I hate to say it, that is why Cena is always hovering around the title) and has a certain credibility with the fans. If I trained to be a wrestler, there is no way I would win the world championship in my first match because I have no credibility with the fans and I wouldn't have any sustainable drawing power. It would be just like me becoming the CEO of Exxon-Mobil, tomorrow. Ok, Martin, so I understand now that winning the world championship is like a promotion on the corporate ladder and that hard-work and talent are important in pro wrestling, BUT how come Eddie Guerrero was the wrestler that was never supposed to be?

The Guerrero Family: Mando, Gory, Chavo Sr., Hector, Eddie (left to right)

Eddie was the youngest of the prolific Guererro family. Guerrero's were a Mexican family stationed in El Paso, their father was the famous luchador (a Mexican pro wrestler), Gory  Guerrero. However, like most luchadors and Mexican wrestlers the Guerrero's (Mando, Chavo Sr., and Hector) had a hard time breaking through in the United States. Eddie is the general consensus best wrestler of his brothers and also was the most charismatic of the Guerreros as his brothers were about as interesting as potted plants, was the one who rose to the top of the pro wrestling world because of his in-ring talent and charisma.

Eddie honed his craft in Mexico and Japan (assuming one of the prestigious gimmicks in Japan that of being Black Tiger, given to the best foreign junior heavyweight in New Japan Pro Wrestling) becoming one of the best pure wrestlers in world today. There is a difference between one of the greatest wrestlers in the world between the ropes and being the most popular and well-known. Hulk Hogan is arguably the most famous pro wrestler, but any real wrestling fan will tell you he sucks in the ring. It is just like the difference between Britney Spears and Rush. Rush are technically some of the best musicians out there, but they lack cross-over appeal. With Eddie, he was technically the superior wrestler, but his charisma had not been the afforded the opportunity to shine through. His biggest strike against him was that he is under six feet tall, which is the ultimate sin in wrestling in the early 90s. Men such as 7-Foot Giant Kevin Nash have critical of "undersized" wrestlers because he feels that the fan can not connect with their lack of size noting that their lack of visual impression does not leave an indelible mark on the fans. He has gone so far as to claim he was a "vanilla midget" at one point, which draws even my ire. There was nothing vanilla about Latino Heat. Even in the ring against opponents like Rey Mysterio Eddie used his body language to emote in fashions that very few can. Since Eddie did a frogsplash and had athletic matches he got characterized as some sort of spot monkey by these jealous main event acts like Nash. Nothing could be furthered from the truth as Eddie worked harder than most of his peers at developing matches with great move selection and building them to a satisfactory climax.

My favorite Eddie look (heel circa 1997). Best mullet EVAH~!

So Eddie made his way to Philadelphia to Extreme Championship Wrestling where his wrestling acumen was displayed against a fellow member of the Holy Trinity of Pro Wrestling, Dean Malenko. (The other member of this elite group was Chris Benoit, who before his heinous crimes was one of the most remarkably gifted pro wrestlers I have ever seen). The Holy Trinity were what hardcore fans considered the greatest wrestlers in the world today even though they were stuck toiling overseas or in the independents or eventually floundering in the mid-card of World Championship Wrestling (WCW). They ended up floundering because of the death-grip Hollywood Hogan, Kevin Nash, Roddy Piper and others had on the main event. Out of the gate they were treated as a special commodity with Benoit joining the Horsemen and Eddie & Dean winning the Crusierweight title and the US Heavyweight title. By 1999, it was painfully obvious that WCW was a sinking ship and that the mid-card was never going to get a chance to draw as main event acts.

One of their classic ECW encounters for the ECW World Television Title

Eddie arrived in WCW  as apart of their new talent initiative to differentiate themselves from rivals, WWF. He played  technically capable, second-generation, but vanilla babyface. He captured the second most-important title in WCW, but it didnt mean much as WCW did not seem intent in developing his character and letting him play with big boys like Hollywood Hogan, Randy Savage and Kevin Nash. Over the summer of 1997, he re-vamped his character into a brutal, sadistic heel that was hell-bent on ripping off the mask of little Rey Mysterio Jr. This is just when I was getting into wrestling and I thought this guy was a total smarmy prick and goddamnit did I want to see his ass beaten. One of my favorite memories from this time period, is when Eddie and fellow bad guy, Chris Jericho teamed in a match. The fans were red-hot with chants of "Eddie Sucks! Jericho Sucks!" and each of them would cover the other's ears so as not to let the fans get to them. This only made the fans chant louder. They were true geniuses, but I was too young to realize it. My parents on the other hand, who thankfully tolerate my wrestling obsession, became huge Jericho and Eddie fans I think at first to troll me, but to this day my parents only care about how Jericho is doing and both were devastated when Eddie passed away. They are the only two wrestlers I think they have ever become true fans of. Funny aside, the first time I purposefully swore, was to scream "Jericho Sucks!" and my mom was pissed. Now, Jericho is one of my five all-time favorite enternati, weird, huh, I was sooooooooo lame as a child. Now I am so cool liking pro wrestling properly and out-dated heavy metal. Coolest kid in the room right here.

I couldnt find my specific memory. This one is still special because Eddie is ostensibly the heel in this match and he still gets a pretty big hometown babyface pop. Huge Jericho sucks chants though.

In a testament to WCW's mismanagement, I dont remember much about Eddie's career after late 1997. I loved WCW, but how the fuck you dont push guys that are drawing that much heat in a throwaway tag match is beyond me. In a very generalized sense that is how it should work in wrestling, you develop a character in the mid-card and if it gets over with fans then you keep pushing them and see if their merchandise numbers and crowd response follow. Now it wasnt all WCW's fault, Eddie had some personal demons that related to alcohol and drug abuse, which resulted in a pretty horrific car accident that almost cost him his life nevermind his career. In 2000 with friends Benoit, Malenko and Saturn he abandoned the sinking ship known as WCW to depart for the WWF.

Benoit was clearly supposed to be the star of this foursome (he was the biggest of the four and most aggressive in the ring), but Eddie's out-sized charisma and heart could not be held down. His Latino Heat persona was hilarious and afforded the position of being an entertaining mid-card act. This all but flushed down the commode when drug abuse reared its ugly head and he was released and shipped off to rehab. In one of the few successful stories in wrestling, Eddie actually did get clean and returned to WWE in 2002. He won the Intercontinental title, the United States title and the World Tag Team championships with his nephew, Chavo Guerrero Jr.. He developed the mantra of "Lie, Cheat, Steal" and accentuated his Mexican hertiage with calls of "Viva La Raza" calling everyone, "Holmes, vato, or esse". Originally intended to be a heel character, the "Lie, Cheat, Steal" gimmick was so entertaining the fans turned Eddie Guerrero babyafce, which is truly something special in pro wrestling that does not happen often.

World Tag Team Champions: Los Guerreros

When I began watching again in 2003, I was over-joyed to see Shawn Michaels had returned and Jericho was in a prominent role, but my dad was happy to see Eddie back and being entertaining as ever. (I had stopped watching because of the badly bungled WCW invasion storyline of 2001.) My dad, deferring to me on wrestling-related matters, always wondered why Eddie was never given a consistent push to the main event scene. I would respond, "He's too small, Dad. Look at Brock, that's their money draw." My dad accepted this and just enjoyed watching Eddie performed. We NEVER expected that Eddie Guerrero would get the honor of being WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

Brock why did you ever leave us? Great heel work here!

Then in early 2004, something unexpected happened, Eddie was going to get a shot at the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in a PPV main event against burgeoning superstar, Brock Lesnar. This was Eddie's first PPV main event in his career and I immediately informed my dad and he was definitely ordering this one. I reminded him that Wrestlemania was next month and this was just a throw-away PPV. He was like yeah, Eddie probably won't win, but it was worth it to see him get his shot.

The match is truly one of the best matches I have ever seen and is a great showcase of both Brock's and Eddie's abilities as pro wrestlers and show-men. The false finishes to this match was so brilliantly executed and even had me a jaded wrestling fan biting on the possibility that wrestling darling, Eddie Guerrero could pull of the upset. However, with each Brock kick-out, I was waiting for inevitable Brock victory. Then the unexpected happened, Eddie Guerrero in true "Lie, Cheat, Steal" fashion, countered Brock's F-5 into a tornado DDT onto a title belt with the ref unconscious and hastily got rid of the evidence before covering Brock for the three-count and his first and only world championship. (Read that sentence again, that's why I love pro wrestling).

What followed is one of those brief moments when pro wrestling is so very real. It was the only time ever, my dad's excitement for wrestling matched my own as my entire family celebrated Eddie's success. The absolute and utter joy in Eddie's eyes and body language tell the entire story. He was truly happy. There was no faking this, those were incredibly real emotions displayed by him, his family, my family and fans in the arena and assuredly around the globe.. He leapt into the front row before even getting the belt to celebrate with the fans. He hugged his crying mother and his older brother. Every fan was on their feet, cheering on Eddie because for Eddie was the world champion that was never supposed to happen. He was supposed to be the entertaining mid-card act that supported the main event players. On this night, he broke through glass ceiling and proved talent and hard-work do matter. On this night, Eddie Guerrero was recognized as the best damn wrestler in the world and he deserved it.

End of the match, Look up the rest of match if interested. Includes celebration.

I along with my entire family got the opportunity to watch Eddie defend his championship against Rey Mysterio Jr. (a favorite of my mother's) in Boston and is one of my favorite memories. Along with watching Eddie face-off against Chris Benoit in 1998 for my first live wrestling show ever, I am so glad I was able to watch Eddie live and in vivid, technicolor before he passed.

He was so entertaining, he couldnt be a heel no matter how he tried.

The story does not have a happy end as Eddie passed away on this day in 2005. Eddie was clean when he died, but years of hard living, the constant punishment of wrestling and life on the road caught up to Eddie. I am still remember having to tell my family and the amount of devastation on their faces. It was just another moment when pro wrestling is all too real.

Pro wrestling is one of the weirdest entertainment media you will ever find. One part sport, one part broadway showmanship, one part slapstick comedy, one part morality play and all-around entertaining. However the weirdest part is the fact that you grow up with these men and watch their journeys every week so that you become attached to them. When they die it truly does hurt because you are so accustomed to seeing them every single week that they become apart of your daily life. I miss Eddie Guerrero and my thoughts and prayers go out to this family and friends.

One of the greatest all-around pro wrestlers in history.

Viva La Raza, Esse! RIP Eddie

Smell The Glove Exhumed

Exhuming is SO Metal

In honor of 11/11/11, VH1 Classic, the last remaining bastion of Heavy Metal, has declared today, National Metal Day. If you dont understand this, I pray to Ozzy to have mercy to have on your soul, but let me take you to the learning tree and drop my knowledge all over you.

While many of you have watched the Rockumentary, This Is Spinal Tap (now lacking umlauts), many of you have not heard the ground-breaking, earth-shattering, metal masterpiece, Smell The Glove. Until now, because this incredibly good-looking motherfucker has EXHUMED this masterpiece and is ready to share it with all of you because I am a SELFLESS, not SELFISH person.

I have a string of pearls for those girls. Just another way I am SELFLESS!

So I have stumbled upon the track listing of the ultra-rare, Smell The Glove album by Spinal Tap, the LOUDEST metal band in well metal, of course. However, I only saw the song titles and then it hit me all these songs have been covered by other various metal bands and it is my job to alert everyone that Spinal Tap lives through these artists. So I, Martin Fuckin Boulevard, @Superstarsleeze, the #AAFolkHero, the Bastion of Humility and the Coolest Kid in the Room have compiled for the first time ever: all of the songs off the double-LP masterpiece, Smell The Glove,  Don't worry Canada and Japan I did not leave you out, there are both of the Canadian bonus tracks and all three of the Japanese Bonus Tracks. Up The Irons!Bang Your Head! Hail Satan!, but most importantly LETS FUCKIN ROCKKKKKKKKKK!

Personification of Heavy Metal

In the Name of Ozzy, Dio and Halford,
SHOUT AT THE DEVIL!!!!!

Smell The Glove Track Listing

1. Judas Priest - Breaking The Law

My brother and I decided if you don't like this riff, we don't like you.

2. Motorhead - Ace of Spades

This IS SPEED METAL. Motorhead stole the umlauts from Spinal Tap, too. Has anyone ever seen Derek Smalls and Lemmy in the same place? Just saying...

3. Van Halen - Aint Talking Bout Love

This is Nigel Tufnel's signature song while he was not talking about love, he was talking about fuckin. But David Lee Roth, King of Subtlety, decided to leave that portion out only because HE FORGOT THE FUCKIN WORDS (Diamond Dave Being Diamon Dave)

4. Megadeth - Tornado of Souls

I LOVE Dave's snarl on this (St. Hubbins would kill on this) and I would die a little inside too if Dave kissed me. EWWWY

5. Iron Maiden - Run to the Hills

Originally the song was "Run to the Stage", but then when Tap could never find the stage, it was altered to give the album a political song. The galloping riff is perfect for NWOBHM, Iron Maiden and Bruce supplies power that I dont think David ST. Hubbins had.

6. Deep Purple - Highway Star

Purple & Blackmore are the most under-rated and under-appreciated band in rock and metal. But that's probably because everyone knows this is Spinal Tap's song. Poseurs.

7. KISS - Shout It Out Loud

Best party song ever! EVAH~! KISS wishes they could write a song this good. But Gene Simmons invented Spinal Tap. So he get his royalties anyways.

8. Scorpions - Rock You Like A Hurricane

My favorite song as a child. Smell the glove vs Animal Magnetism (Cover art), More misogynistic cover? Gotta go with the original in Tap's, just another thing the Scorps ripped off from Tap. Nostalgia will rock you like a hurricane.

9. AC/DC - Whole Lotta Rosie

Preach on AC/DC, tits on sticks just aint no fun. Tap loved the Big-Bottomed Girls RIP Bon Scott

10. Led Zeppelin - Dazed & Confused

Soul of a woman was created below. I bet more than a fair share of women smelt Plant's glove. RIP Bonham

11. Slayer - Seasons in the Abyss

You cant celebrate National Metal Day without SLAYERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! But most Slayer is unlisetnable except for this thrash classic from Spinal Tap, which SLAYERRRRRRRRRRR covered.

12. Motley Crue - Shout At The Devil

Et tu, Nikki? My favorite song was a rip-off from Spinal Tap. It still fuckin rocks! Shout At The Devil!

13. Dio - Rainbow in the Dark

My favorite metal vocalist. So much emotion, but his best song was a cover? RIP Ronnie James Dio.

14. Def Leppard - Rock of Ages

I gotta fever and the only cure is MORE HARMONY! Def Lep's only addition to this otherwise, note-for-note cover from Spinal Tap.

15. Black Sabbath - Children of the Grave

Even the Riff-Lord bows down to Nigel.

16. Twisted Sister - I Wanna Rock

If you dont like this song, you take yourself way tooooooooo seriously and go eat a shit sandwich.

17. Accept - Balls to the Wall

Metal Midget! If only he was on stage for the Stonehenge performance!

18. Ozzy Osbourne - Over the Mountain

My brother's favorite song. I occasionally hear him mutter "This song is so good." just over and over again. I dont have the heart to tell him it was a cover. RIP Randy Rhodes

19. Metallica - For Whom The Bell Tolls

My mother's favorite metal song, which kind of makes it un-metal except its Spinal Tap at their fuckin best. Thank God 80's Metallica covered this song and not shitty Lou Reed & Metallica. RIP Cliff Burton

20. Quiet Riot - Metal Health

This is HEAVY METAL! So BANG YOUR HEAD!!! So both of Quiet Riot's hits were covers? That explains a lot. RIP Kevin DuBrow

Canadian Bonus Tracks

21. Ratt - Round & Round

Canada always gets the best stuff. Even the bonus tracks from Spinal Tap rAwK! Hallmark of a true band. RATT N ROLL 4 LIFE!!! RIP Robbin Crosby

22. Mercyful Fate - Evil

Because you arent metal without a little devil-worship Hail Satan!

Japanese Bonus Tracks

23. W.A.S.P. - L.O.V.E. Machine

Before Lady Gaga had exploding breasts, Blackie Lawless had an exploding cod-piece, which he was inspired by the fact that Spinal Tap drummer always explodes. Guess which one I think is cooler.

24. Skid Row - Monkey Business

This song was originally called Spunky Business and featured such lyrical gems as "I am going to make you gleam with cream" and "Sticky N Pretty, thats what you will be, when you are fuckin me!" Seb Bach and the boys re-worked the lyrics to get on MTV. MONK YEAH!

25. Steel Panther - Death To All But Metal

Spinal Tap was physic or the Goo Goo Dolls were some very well-crafted blow-up dolls that St. Hubbins loved to fuck. Totally fuckin radical, dude. Because in the 21st Century Heavy Metal still lives! Everybody shout Heavy Metal is Back!

Without question, Spinal Tap has created the greatest album in the entire world. Beach Boys' Pet Sounds can suck it, this shit rules so hard, it would make Pet Sounds sound like a moose in heat. Seriously, go listen to an audio track of a moose in heat, it makes dubstep sound bearable. If only one day, we could hear the real Smell The Glove...

RAW is Mediocre!

hey yo Street-Walking Gypsies and Children of the Beast


It's Monday Night at 9pm and that can only mean one thing: another blog that no one reads!

I'm going to Wrestlemania!!! So expect these blogs to be a permanent feature.

Tonight's Raw is on a tape-delay because they across the pond in Liverpool, UK.

Cena met by massive boo's to warm my heart. Lawler immediately covers this up by declaring that Cena is the most controversial figure in wrestling all over the world. I got my tickets, John, already and CANT WAIT to boo you out of the building. This promo is as boring as that Game of the Century, Bama-LSU. Awesome Truth out to salvage this segment and their characters. Miz harps on beating Cena at Wrestlemania. Smart because he got shat on last week. Miz rambles. So the main event is Miz/Truth vs Cena/Mystery Opponent I gather. I love R-Truth. Little Jimmies and someone is going to get got. I went to a horrible wrestling show over the weekend put on by TNA. So after saying I was an R-truth fan to the kids, they were horribly confused because he is disrespectful. I am so glad that today's youth still has decent moral values. Though one little ruffian was totally into the hilarity that is R-Truth.

Cena hypes his tag partner and Miz is less than impressed. Expectedly, it is the Long Island Iced Z, Zack Ryder, who comes out to save Cena from the imminent beat-down. Yes, the top two heels in the company just got taken out by a comedy jobber. I'm so confused by this company. Who is getting pushed? If you going to push Ryder, push him.   

Zigs vs Morrison up now. YAY! When the kids are noticing you are on a losing streak, you know you are in the dog-house. Morrison is going to job hard. If they give this match some time, it should be pretty killer. Morrison has succeeded in developing the worst shirt in wrestling history. "Jo-Mo Sapiens, And We Are going to Eat your lunch." Yep, I got nothing too.

Good chain wrestling to start. This match is already better than any of the matches I saw this weekend. TNA should be ashamed of putting that house show on. Vickie out in some fashionable New Wave , skinny-tie attire.  Big clothesline from Ziggler. Very good match so far.  Commerical

So I am going to see the ALMIGHTY Judas Priest next weekend. Thin Lizzy and Black Label Society are opening. I just started to re-listen to some of the Thin Lizzy catalog. Wow, I forgot how much their stuff smokes. Just a great twin lead guitar attack, you can really hear their influence on the NWOBHM movement. Really digging Emerald and Cowboy Song.

Cole completely misses the point of the Vickie's outfit claiming it looks Beatles-esque. Shut the fuck up, tool. Great, on-the-button dropkick by Zigs. It used to be true that only jabronis threw good drop-kicks, but it seems to be a move catching on the main eventers. Zigs taunts Morrison, which leads to a flurry of offense for Morrison. Crowd seems lukewarm, shame. Zigs working over the surgically repaired neck. Good psychology. Dueling chants and the Zigs chants are louder. Good finish sequence leads to a backslide pin for Morrison. Damn. Guess he is out of the doghouse. Good for him, he is far too talented in between the ropes to be on job duty. Zigs loses two in a row. Ouch. He needs to drop the US title though so he can ascend to the main event.

The Randy Orton phenomenon is something I will never understood. He is totally and utterly mediocre in every facet of wrestling. Yet, he is the second/third biggest star in pro wrestling (CM Punk is his competition). Maybe I am just out of touch what is cool.

Some generic body-builder stiff, Mason Ryan aka Batista Jr. is out next to squash JTG. They love putting over the fact he was from Wales. As my Dad would say "The Welsh couldnt beat themselves out of a wet paper bag." Argentine backbreaker was kinda cool. MASON RYAN IS ANGRY!!! Full-Nelson slam is his finisher? Lame. Somebody should bring back the F-5 that was some cool shit. Mason Ryan smiles too much.

Miami: Land of Hot Latina Chicks. I need some good Latina-specific sleazy pick-up lines. That is definitely going on the to-do list. Of course, my natural #AnimalMagnetism should just have the ladies lining up to taste my vanilla-flavored inner beauty.

Zack Ryder fails to pick-up the Bella Twins. Which reminds of last Saturday night, where surprisingly, I shit you not was actually doing pretty well with the hottest chick at Rick's. Yeah, I am talking about the blonde in that flesh-colored, skin-tight dress, you know who I am talking about. Yep, I lasted 5-minutes. I am such a stud. However, I got detained by her less attractive friend (but still pretty attractive) and she wandered off with some other dude. Fear not, my Street-Walking Gypsies, for not all was lost because I still had her friend, who thought I was the funniest thing since Eddie Murphy in the mid-1980's. Then in a flash I became as funny as Eddie Murphy in the 21st century. I broke the number one rule of picking-up a woman, I called someone in the nearby vicinity fat. Never say the f-word, no matter how justified. Such a rookie mistake.

Del Rio squashes one-half of the tag champion, Kofi Kingston to get his heat back. The yo-yo booking of Del Rio continues. Del Rio does well in these squashes, he has loads of passion and his moveset is slick and effective. Punk is out to interrupt Del Rio's post-match beatdown with pipe-bomb in hand.

Del Rio doubts Punk's cajones. CM Punk is WICKED over in the UK! Good news, the little kids love CM Punk. CM Punk's facial expressions are the among the best in wrestling ever! EVAH~! The most attractive thing a girl can have is really good facial expressions, save a set of wicked big EYES, of course. Punk JUST BURIED Del Rio on the mic and that bad thing for Del Rio is it was 100% on the mark. He points out every Del Rio promo is one-dimensional and it has gotten so repetitive that people just fast-forward through his promo segments and they miss nothing. HA! Sad but true. Then Punk does not let Del Rio rebuts, one of Punk's most irritating habits. Look man, you basically just shredded the man's credibility on the mic, the least you could do is see if he can improv something to salvage himself. Instead, Punk continues to bury Del Rio as boring, Ouch, there is no greater sin to commit than being boring.

Promo's like these are fun in the short-term because they are good for shock-value. But it really hurts Del Rio's drawing ability when 50% of his work just got shit on. Punk at least gave credit to his wrestling ability. However, it is on Del Rio to develop his promo skills. He has never matured beyond one-dimensional, smarmy, sleazy cheap heat heel. He is/was really good at that, but the problem is that is only adequate for the mid-card. He is a world champion now and he needs to become more creative with his promos. Maybe this will light a fire under his ass to deviate from his script and add a little of his flare.

SWAGGAH!!!! Lookin extra pasty tonight. Come on, Jack it was just one job, take some pride in yourself and hit the tanning salon, brutha. Swagger reminds us he is a former World Champ, who lost to a freakin muppet. He could have done a better job re-gaining his heat there. If Santino goes over again, I will riot in my bedroom. O wait, my room already looks like a crack's head room according to Peter, so I dont think it can be anymore of a disaster area. Some fun chain wrestling from Swagger. He is so talented, too bad he has a lisp and cant cut a promo to save his life. HUGE OKLAHOMA SLAM! My brother's favorite move. Belly-to-belly suplex. He finishes in short order with a ankle lock and the tap out is academic. This match has featured the most wrestling moves per match time, I have seen in quite some time. Swagger with a victory lap to some nice heat. Soak it in, brutha, you are jobbing to Orton this Sunday.

Kelly Kelly (so nice they named her twice) is looking extremely fit and is out I assume to promote her being in Maxim. With the WWE being PG now, they have ended their relationship with Playboy, which I am not totally sad about because everyone is air-brushed to hell. After awhile, fake-breasted, fit blondes all look the same, but it was pretty exciting when they first did it with Sable. Even though Sunny >>> Sable. Sable was still fuckin hot, regardless. King Leer (see what I did there? O you dont well, Jerry The King Lawler loves to ogle divas and make a general ass of himself when calling divas matches.) himself introduces his all-time favorite diva, Kelly Kelly and the crowd goes mild. #AreYouSeriousBro? Over-sell, much? Kelly Kelly cuts a great graduation-esque promo about growing up and overcoming all these obstacles to achieve her true dream, to be on the cover of Maxim. Beth and Nattie Neidhart, muscular women, still pretty good-looking come out to announce it is "CRY TIME!" for this barbie bitch. I lol'd. They get run off and we get the big unveil. Meh. She looked better tonight than she did on the cover. The fact I chuckled at all means thus segment was way better than it should have been.

Big Sexy is out next! WAHOO! This show has not been as actively as bad as last week's show. It just has been pretty boring and forgettable. Nowhere near as good as the string of shows from over the summer. Alas, I guess it was  a fantasy for their hot streak to continue. Survivor Series (the fourth biggest show of the year) only has four matches announced for it and this last show before the event. I figured they would try to sell it harder, but it seems like they think Cena/Rock is enough to garner enough buys. They should really go-ahead announce Ryder/Ziggler because

Johnny Ace is out to mild heat and to announce KEVIN NASH to nWo music! Let's part like its 1996. After all Tim Allen has a TV series and Eddie Murphy is in a movie. Maybe Hanson will make a comeback to??? O JOY! Nash jokes just come naturally to me. In all seriousness, Nash's promo ability is among the best. So this should be pretty good. Nash on point, good fire, good history lesson, explains his motivation and then brought it home with his heinous actions from 2 weeks ago. Listen up kids, that is how you cut a solid promo. Not something that belongs in Pantheon of Promos, but a promo that gets the job done. Good segment.

Johnny Ace is talking to David Otunga, his gimmick he is a tool that wears a bow-tie. Punk shits on Ace and Otunga. After taking exception to a lame joke by Otunga, he beats him down only to get Pearl Harbor'd by Del Rio. Guess Punk is going over Sunday. Poor Del Rio.

Main event time? I think so. O FUCK YES! The best entrance music starts to play. O BOOOOOOOO! Ya see R-Truth usually does live rapping over the music, where the chorus is "People over there, you suck! People over here, you suck!" directed towards the audience and Miz shouts in the background "You all suck!" I fuckin love it. Cena is out to NUCLEAR heat. Nobody is getting boo'd as heavily as Cena on this show. The announcers ignore this talking about Cena's popularity.  Ryder is pretty over, but not as over as here in the States. "We Want Ryder" chants starting popping up while Cena is in the ring. Big pop for the tag. That is the most popular thing, Cena has done all night. R-Truth increases his awesomeness point by having "Shut Up" printed on his jeans. He is such a good heel. Hard bump over the top rope by Truth. O I see the selling point of the PPV is can Cena/Rocky get along because clearly either one could kill these guys by himself. Ugh, way to sell the PPV guys. Ryder has added missile dropkick to his moveset. Ryder gets boo'd because he tags in Cena. I love the UK. Truth is one tough SOB for still being in this match after that rough bump. Heat segment on Cena and the crowd is red-hot for Ryder. Some boring chinlockery, does not enamor me to this match. Nice front suplex by R-Truth, best part of Truth being heel is that got rid of all those ridiculous spinning moves from his moveset. I think 90% of Miz's offense involves knees or neckbreakers. "CENA SUCKS!" overwhelms "Lets Go Cena!". Ryder tag gets you a huge pop. Cena is finally over because he dons the broski sunglasses does a little fist-pumping "Woo Woo Woo" and hits the stereo face-washes in the corner with Ryder. Heat on Ryder now, lets not forget who the real superstar is. They should really be selling this PPV on the merits that it is Rock's first match since 2004. That is really something note-worthy. I cant believe the WWE is dropping the ball on that one. Ryder selling so much better than Cena and the crowd is revving now. Dueling chants for Ryder and this kid is fuckin over, "Lets Go Ryder! WOO WOO WOO!" Cookie-cutter Cena superman offense. Looks like stereo five-knuckle shuffles. Weird finish. Literally 30 seconds after that, heels no-sell, then Miz off a kick to face pins Cena while Truth holds down Cena's leg. It was a feel-good house show main event, with a weird finish to give Awesome Truth a little credibility before the PPV. The ending was really disjointed and felt forced.

Pretty lame show. The booking was at least sensible this week save for the Ziggler loss. Nothing really stands out from tonight. Nash promo was the best segment of the night and moved his story along nicely. I think the WWE is really dropping the ball by not promoting this Sunday as The Rock's first match back since 2004. Miz, Truth and Del Rio are dead in the water. So maybe it is time for Ziggler to get his crack at the main event scene. Yep I had a better chance of getting with hit chick from Rick's. Well for tonight, RAW is Mediocre! Next week, The Rock returns to RAW in my hometown of Bah-stin. So that at least should be fun, I hope, maybe, they cant fuck that up, can they?